Sleb Safari Celebrity Awards of 2018
HELLO and welcome to the Sleb Safari Celebrity Awards of 2018. As always, it was a close-run race and a game of two halves. There were winners, there were losers, but what mattered was the taking part.
Best Advice To Come From A Celebrity in 2018
Kirstie Alley is the winner of this illustrious award for the advice she dished out in August while incarcerated in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Instructing the younger, hungrier, contestants, Kirstie offered these sage words: "Let me tell you, girls: it doesn’t seem important whether someone has a private jet, but it is. As you get older, you do not want to hang out in airports.” It’s not your traditional 'marry someone who makes you laugh/doesn’t leave laundry on the bedroom floor' advice but hey ho.
Most Overdue Celebrity Confession
And the winner is… drum roll please… Jermaine Pennant who finally, finally, admitted to ex-girlfriend Jennifer Metcalfe that his dog savaged her cat and she had wasted her time putting up missing posters because the cat had been buried “far away and very deep”. Jermaine made this confession via his autobiography and Sleb Safari hopes Jennifer took her complimentary copy and buried it far away and very deep.
Best Celebrity Car Boot Sale
Russell Crowe was streaks ahead of the other competitors in this race. In the spring Russell had what you might euphemistically call a bit of a clear-out of the props he had acquired from film sets over the years. It wasn’t so much a car boot sale as a Sotheby’s auction of items which included a chariot from Gladiator. The auction was called Russell Crowe: The Art of Divorce and took place on what would have been his 15th wedding anniversary. Who said romance is dead?
Most Overdue Celebrity Endorsement
Finally a book is being written about actor Jason Statham, the man who can out-stare a dead dog; the man who put the -ion in action movies; the man. Academics are penning this tome which will be studied in places of learning around the world, smuggled into jails and quite likely tucked in Richard Branson’s man bag when he catches that flight to Mars. Quite why we’ve had to wait this long for academia to see the light is anyone’s guess.
Film of the Year
Crazy Rich Asians by a long way. The perfect rom com.
Best TV Show of 2018
Derry Girls for the win with Killing Eve in second place. Sr Michael is life.
As far as sleb mysteries go this was a multi-layered humdinger. There was daring, there was intrigue, there was Beyonce. That’s right, for a while April became #WhoBitBeyonce month. Tiffany Haddish revealed that someone actually had the audacity to gnaw on Beyonce's face at a party, but the culprit has never been confirmed. Let’s be honest #WhoBitBeyonce is the who shot JR of this millennium.
And so, on that note, all that remains is for us to bid adieu to Baby Shark and the Floss and say a big cheery hello to 2019. Happy new year!
Gemma Collins is smashing it on Dancing On Ice
We couldn’t end 2018 without checking in on Gemma Collins and her preparations for Dancing on Ice.
The GC is, predictably, smashing it.
“Just think Beyonce on ice, honey. That’s me. Beyonce for the first week, Mariah for the second, Celine Dion for the third, and then full GC for the fourth.”
Isn’t it marvellous how Beyonce, Mariah and Celine are merely the warm-up for the full GC?
“I’m like Lady Gaga aren’t I? The more over the top the better. I’m working with the costume department really closely. I’ve asked for grade A Swarovski crystals, and as many feathers as they can find. They’re totally on board.”
The Only Way Is Essex cast member has also promised that we’ll be “absolutely taken back” when we see her first routine.
That we don’t doubt Gemma. Best of luck.
In Goop Health Is Coming To London
Here's the news you didn't know you were holding your breath for – in goop Health is coming to London next year.
The immersive event will take place in June and founder Gwyneth Paltrow will be there live and in person. How (free) rad(-ical).
If it's anything like the most recent in goop Health which took place in Vancouver at the end of October Gwyneth will be putting a call out for volunteers to work at the London event. You'll get a T-shirt, free meals and snacks and the dissatisfaction of having volunteered at a profit making event. Sounds appealing, non...?