Sleb Safari: Who bit Beyoncé?

FOR legal reasons Sleb Safari would like to make it clear from the outset that it did not bite Beyoncé.

By now you’ll all know that someone did bite Beyoncé on the face because Tiffany Haddish told GQ all about it.

The internet has been doing cartwheels trying to join the dots. #WhoBitBeyonce is trending on Twitter. The Beyhive can’t sleep. Humanity hasn’t been this vexed since Who Shot JR?

Top human rights lawyer (and possibly the only human rights lawyer most people could name) Amal Clooney may have to get involved. Truly these are troubling times.

Cultivating something special at Flax Lane

Anyone with eyes in their head would want to gnaw on Beyoncé so the list of suspects is looooong. When the biter is identified they’ll have to answer the big question: What does Beyoncé taste like? Sugar and spice and all things nice?

The drama played out at a party to celebrate the last night of Jay-Z’s 4:44 tour.

Tiffany Haddish is bracingly unfiltered and told GQ that the biter was an actress who was “doing the mostest” which culminated with her having a nibble on Beyonce’s face. As you do.

Tiffany elaborated: “So I said to Beyoncé, ‘Did she really bite you?’ She was like, ‘Yeah.’ I was like, ‘She gonna get her ass beat tonight.’ She was like, ‘Tiffany, no. Don’t do that… She not like that all the time. Just chill’.”

Tiffany did chill; aided and abetted by Beyoncé agreeing to a selfie which is surprising given the circumstances. Remember how the first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club? The same goes for hanging out with Beyoncé.

Tiffany has no further comment. But has suggested she signed a Non Disclosure Order, which is entirely possible but could also be a joke.

Confusingly Beyoncé’s publicist Yvette Noel-Schure told GQ, "I absolutely cannot comment on any of this, as I have no knowledge."

Never one to let a celebrity publicist kill a good story, sleb smut hounds have been ruling in, and out, potential biters. Slebs have been getting in on it too since it might well be the only time their name is linked to Beyoncé’s.

Exhibit A: This tweet from Lena Dunham. 

As always Shaggy says it wasn’t him. Blue Ivy is strangely silent.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this very of its time mystery Sleb Safari would say this, in its best Crimewatch voice: If you were at that party please come forward so you can be ruled out of the investigation.

Russell Crowe's Spring Clean

AND so to film star Russell Crowe who has been, in no particular order, a gladiator, singing policeman, boxer, Robin Hood and whistleblower.

Russell is carrying out the mother of all spring cleans and having a car boot sale, celebrity style. To wit, he's auctioning off his belongings at Sotheby's. The lot is entitled Russell Crowe: The Art of Divorce and goes under the hammer on Saturday.

Up for grabs are memorabilia from his films, including a violin from the film Master and Commander and leather cuffs he wore in Gladiator along with several life size prop horses from the film.

The pièce de résistance is a "fully functioning replica Roman chariot" from Gladiator. Sleb Safari would urge anyone who car pools to consider clubbing together with your poolers and buying this chariot. You'd have the wind in your hair and every other commuter's envy. What a way to travel. What a time to be alive!

High Five Amy Poehler

This week’s Sassy Lady Award goes to the fabulous Amy Poehler. There are a million reasons why Amy deserves the prize but we’ll settle for this one – her new film Wine Country.

Amy is directing the film about a group of friends who go to Napa Valley for a 50th birthday, drink wine and have a laugh. Better yet she has cast her actual friends, including Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch and Ana Gasteyer. High five Amy. What a pal you are.

Social Media Smut