Sleb Safari: Take Kirstie Alley's advice – marry the man with the private jet
WELCOME to week two in the Celebrity Big Brother where we’ve had allegations of bullying, racism, narcissism. Plus ca change...
Putting that to one side, Sleb Safari can confirm that week one provided us with a number of life lessons, starting with Kirsty Alley and her advice on private planes.
As predicted, Kirstie has been regaling housemates with tales of lost love, namely Patrick Swayze and John Travolta, and passing on the wisdom of her years to the younger, hungrier inmates.
"I almost ran off and married John. I did love him and still love him," Kirstie began.
Warming to her theme she continued: "And if I hadn’t been married I would have gone and married him. And I would have been in an aeroplane because he has his own.
"Let me tell you girls: it doesn’t seem important whether someone has a private jet, but it is. As you get older, you do not want to hang out in airports. This was a gross error."
Young women of the world, this is why you must listen to your elders. A £24.99 Ryanair flight seems like fun now, but that is a gross error. Marry the man with the private jet. If you can find him in the Cathedral Quarter.
The next valuable lesson we learned was that anyone who is anyone in Hollywood and anyone who wants to be anyone is drinking cockroach milk.
That information came courtesy of Rodrigo Alves and Sleb Safari has checked and can confirm that he’s definitely referring to Hollywood, Los Angeles and not Holywood, Co Down.
Unfortunately, Rodrigo did not explain how one goes about milking a cockroach.
"Cockroach milk is fantastic," he enthused.
"It’s a very powerful antioxidant. It’s very good for you. It’s a big trend in Hollywood right now. All the A-listers, all the celebs, friends of mine, are drinking cockroach milk.
"It’s also very expensive. The beauty of it is now that I have the cockroach at home. I have about 10 cockroaches at home. They live in a little aquarium."
How much milk can 10 cockroaches produce in a day? Sadly, we may never know.
The final lesson gleaned from the CBB house involved Nick Leeson and his 1995 flit from Singapore to Germany to avoid fraud charges after bringing down Barings Bank.
It turns out that, should you wish to evade capture, the only disguise necessary at the airport is a hat and an upturned collar.
Take it away Nick: "They knew I was in Malaysia. You’ve got this long walk up to the immigration guards… he looks at the passport and whatever else and he stamps it.
"We get on the flight and we go to Brunei. I’ve got an eight-hour stop over in Brunei.
"The departure gates have all these TVs above them. My face is on every one of these TVs.
"I’ve got the collar up, I’ve got the hat on. I get on the plane and then they come round start giving out newspapers. Doesn’t matter if it’s a German newspaper, French newspaper, English newspaper: it’s all me."
From Brunei he flies to Bangkok then Abu Dhabi and on to Germany and it’s when he’s on the tarmac at Frankfurt that police arrest him on behalf of Singaporean authorities.
So there you have it, a hat and a popped collar will get you halfway around the world. Sleb Safari can’t help but wonder how the story would have ended if Nick had had access to cockroach milk and a private jet.
:: SISQO KNOWS HOW TO WOO A LADY
Early noughties ‘artist’ Sisqo married his long-term love recently and did what any self-respecting singer would do by serenading his bride.
Faced with the choice of a million love songs (no, not the Take That song) Sisqo found himself with no choice but to perform his own classic, Thong Song.
Here’s our Graham with a reminder of the lyrics:
"I like it when the beat goes
Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go
Duh dun duh
Baby I know you want to show
Duh dun duh
Sisqo told The Baltimore Sun, in an email presumably sent from his honeymoon, that "I initially sang Thong Song about the first thong that I ever saw, so it was only right to sing it about the last one I will ever see... in private, that is."
He told the paper to insert a wink after his comment.
Congratulations Sisqo and Elizabeth. Here’s to many happy years as husband and wife.
:: CRAZY RICH ASIANS
Have you read Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan? If not then you really really should. It’s the first in his trilogy and the other two titles are China Rich Girlfriend and Rich People Problems. It’s a satirical look at the extreme wealth enjoyed by the Singapore elite which is a world the author grew up in in.
Crazy Rich Asians has been made into a film and the opening date for Britain and Ireland has been moved up from November to September 14, which is why Gemma Chan and her CRA cast mates are jumping for joy in that picture. There are umpteen reasons to see this film so Sleb Safari will give you two to whet your appetite – Awkwafina and Ken Jeong.
Sleb Safari isn’t counting the days until the film opens (19), only the hours – 456.
:: SOCIAL MEDIA SMUT
Ryan Reynolds on Instagram
Have you ever had a dream to meet someone so badly and somehow it comes true? You’re welcome, Paul.