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Sleb Safari: Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen casts aspersions on Simon Cowell's home decor decisions

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
Maeve Connolly

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen is in a flap because the house down the road has been sold and he’s worried the new owners are going to renovate and make a mess of it.

LLB’s idea of ‘a mess’ is a grey or beige palette and he once described understatement as “the hallmark of poverty, both intellectual and financial”. 

Laurence prefers full-fat interiors and colours that are “rich and juicy and rumpy pumpy”. While he is the Marquis of Maximalism, his new neighbour is Simon Cowell, the Prince of Plain. Simon has worn two outfits his entire adult life - blue jeans and a white t-shirt, or black trousers and a white shirt. Is his house going to be the chrome and glass box Laurence fears? You bet your butt.

Laurence and his wife live in the Cotswolds with the next two generations of the Llewelyn-Bowen dynasty and Laurence has already spoken to the Daily Mirror of his concerns; endearing himself to his new neighbour no doubt.

"I’m quite disturbed by what Simon Cowell’s going to do with his Cotswolds manor house because he’s only down the road.

“I’ve got a horrible feeling he’s going to be stripping everything out and making the windows bigger".

Warming to his theme, Laurence continued: “There are going to be people out there that want to do the grey, that want to do the beige; Simon Cowell, Stacey Solomon, Mrs Hinch. Good luck to them all.

"But actually I think the vast majority of people understand that personality comes from colour. History, storytelling comes from pattern. The things that make us who we are come from the objects that we own."

Sleb Safari would like to pitch a reality TV show please - a house swap, or at least a Laurence and Simon swap, where each has to live in the other’s house for a week and dress from their wardrobe. Laurence would come out in hives if he had to wear a t-shirt.

Ironically, when Laurence wished to convert the barn beside his sixteenth century Grade II listed manor into an additional two-storey home last year he was informed by planners that permission would be granted on condition he painted the external woodwork a shade of Dulux grey called Flake Grey.

There were 13 other planning conditions but none as offensive to the man who, weeks before the planning decision, had written in a newspaper article: “Grey is the colour of death — the hue of depression”. 

Laurence has written a new book, a design guide to maximalism, entitled MORE MORE MORE and it’s odds on that he will hand deliver it to Simon’s door as a housewarming gift. And after reading what Laurence said about him there’s every chance Simon will invite him in, show him the new windows and Elephant’s Breath walls and toss that book in the fire, right in front of him. 

 

 

Paris Hilton's dog is missing

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton)

SPARE a thought for Paris Hilton who is frantic with worry after one of her dogs went missing.

Diamond Baby is a chihuahua and with a name like that she wouldn’t last a night on the mean streets of LA. Luckily Paris Diamond Baby lives in Beverly Hills.

Paris is understandably distraught and doing everything in her power to find her dog. In Paris’ world that means hiring a “pet detective, a dog whisperer, a pet psychic” plus researching “dog finding drones”.

Paris, you do what you have to do to find Diamond Baby and bring her home.

 

Kevin Bacon, the dancing, talking M&M

Trust Kevin Bacon to have a great story about turning down a job.

Kevin ‘Seven degrees of separation’ Bacon was once offered the chance to star in an M&M advert but had to say no.

“I love peanut M&Ms, although my wife is the chocoholic and sweet eater. I’m more of a salty, crunchy kind of guy,” he told The Guardian.

“But it is true that I had to turn down dancing to Footloose dressed as a giant peanut M&M for a commercial, because my wife doesn’t like it when food talks. It’s just a thing she has. If she sees a talking grape, it freaks her out. When there was the possibility I might be a talking M&M, she just said: ‘No, that’s too far’.”

 

 

Social Media Smut

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

A post shared by Paul Feig (@paulfeig)

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