Sleb Safari: Jermaine Pennant finally tells the truth about the grisly fate of Jennifer Metcalfe's cat

Jennifer Metcalfe and Jermaine Pennant in happier times

SLEB Safari joins you this week shaken, but not stirred, after narrowly avoiding being struck by a car at a crossing. The green man was resplendent, Sleb Safari stepped out, the car kept on coming, Sleb Safari did a hip swivel, jumped backwards and broke a commandment, loudly, and that was that.

It was a peculiar way to start the day but all’s well that ends well.

Not so for Hollyoaks cast member Jennifer Metcalfe who only last week found out via her ex-boyfriend’s memoirs that her cat hadn’t in fact run off, but been torn apart by his dog.

Jennifer and her two white Persian cats had set up home with former Arsenal player Jermaine Pennant and his dog, an Akita called Shadow who, in Jermaine’s words, “was a very scary guy”.

In his book Mental: Bad Behaviour, Ugly Truths and the Beautiful Game, Jermaine explains that his friend, Sam, would pop in to check on the pets when the couple were away.

Jermaine Pennant's book went on sale last week

The arrangement was working well until the day Sam rang Jermaine “in a bit of a state” and sent a photograph of “ a really horrendous, distressing scene”.

“He said, ‘Shadow’s killed the cat. I mean, J, he’s absolutely massacred it. The back door onto the patio, it wasn’t locked, and he must’ve forced it open. Shadow must have caught one of the cats on the landing – there’s blood everywhere’.

“Sam took a picture of the scene on his phone and sent it to me. There was blood all over the carpets, the wall, on the bannister. The Persian cat was very dead.”

Very dead indeed. So, did our protagonist do the honourable thing and tell Jennifer? Did he heck.

“I was feeling sick and panicking like mad. Myself and Sam came up with this story that the cat had escaped. We had to organise a professional carpet cleaner and a painter and decorator, because we needed to completely repaint the walls and get new wallpaper... I had to tell Jennifer we couldn’t go home straight away, and had to ask Sam to bury the dead cat far away and very deep.”

Far away was probably enough. Jennifer was unlikely to take a shovel to any shallow graves she encountered on a country walk.

Jermaine says Jennifer was determined to find the 'missing' cat and printed posters offering a reward.

“There I was, driving into training, and seeing posters all round Liverpool appealing for a white cat. It was the most mortifying experience of my life.”

Not so mortified that you let the person who used to share your home find out about it years later, in your book. Off side Jermaine, off side.


Clip-On Man Buns Are A Thing

MAKE a note of the date people because students of oldie worldie times will peer back at August 13 2018 and laugh aloud at the very mention of clip-on man buns.

Yeah, you heard. Clip. On. Man. Buns. Why? Who knows.

They’re being sold by who are all about “improving every day in a hilarious way” and that includes selling a large soap dispenser shaped like a nose – press a nostril and the soap runs out.

It will come as no surprise that last time Sleb Safari checked no-one had left a review of the attachable and detachable man bun.

Billed as “the hair extension that attaches to your head” the clip-on gives “the perfect man bun, anytime, anywhere”.

“Simply tie up your hair. Open up the man bun. Then secure it to your head and enjoy the new hairstyle you deserve.”

Sleb Safari has bought one as a Christmas present for everyone it knows. They might get one that matches their hair colour. They might not. You’re all welcome.


Mother-Daughter Love 

TRACEE Ellis Ross – star of Black-ish – is the daughter of Diana Ross and you might think that growing up with such a bright light as a parent could leave a child feeling overlooked or vexed at being compared rather than celebrated in their own right.

Not so says Tracee Ellis Ross who spoke about her mum to Elle Canada.

“I felt like I grew up in her embrace, not her shadow,” she said.

Isn’t that beautiful?


Social Media Smut


Not being able to share Ted’s snacks every day is *for sure* the worst part of wrapping a season.

A post shared by Jameela Jamil (@jameelajamilofficial) on

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