Sleb Safari: Kirstie Allsopp and the vanishing AirPods

TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp admitted that she smashed her children's iPads when they broke rules about screen time
Maeve Connolly

MONDAY again chums and no matter how bad your morning it’s highly unlikely that in your haste to get ready and out the door you swallowed something you really, really shouldn’t, á la Kirstie Allsopp.

Kirstie ate an AirPod. Just the one, mind. She tossed it into her mouth alongside a variety of veterinary sized multi-vitamins and washed the concoction down with a glass of water.

“I just swallowed an AirPod while downing my vitamins, I don’t recommend it,” she tweeted. “I’ve managed to chuck it back up without having to go to hospital — but my throat is really quite sore.”

The naysayers of Twitter weighed in hot and heavy and Kirstie offered clarification plus a picture showing her platter of tablets with an AirPod among them, blending in nicely. There looked to be a couple of cod liver oil capsules in there and Sleb Safari would rather swallow an AirPod than cod liver oil too.

Kirstie explained how it happened: “AirPods in pocket, put vitamins in pocket while getting glass of water, chucked vitamins into mouth, gulped water. Go for second lot, see one AirPod in hand, check pocket, check handbag. Realise there’s only one place it could be.”

Kirstie and Twitter are wonderful bedfellows. There was the smashing up of the iPads incident when her children broke the agreed terms and conditions plus the tweet about the “disgusting” practice of placing washing machines in kitchens.

Kirstie is all about location, location, location and when she lobbed into what passes for conversation on Twitter that her “life’s work is in part dedicated to getting washing machines out of the kitchen”, people’s brains short circuited.

“Where are we supposed to put it, you mansion dweller?” Twitter thundered.

"Bathroom, hall cupboard, airing cupboard, google tiny laundry rooms," she parried.

And then, one year into the pandemic, social media grabbed the opportunity to be outraged when Kirstie revealed she ironed her tea towels. Sleb Safari’s feeling about the matter is this: If Kirstie’s method of relaxation is smoothing out the creases in French linen tea towels while watching Real Housewives, she should crack on.  

Kirstie wasn’t bothered by the backlash of a bazillion bored Twitter users.

“Those who iron tea towels are not wasting their lives. They are creating order, and providing themselves with a lot of free therapy. Join our ranks — you’ll never look back.”

And now she has swallowed an AirPod alongside her horse tablets and there’s a corner of Twitter that’s in a tizz, muttering in disbelief and ‘calling her out’. 

They’re daft if they think Kirstie’s bothered. Once that AirPod has been disinfected and dried out in a bag of rice she’ll pop the pair in her ears, turn the volume up, up, up and get back to ironing her tea towels.


Peter Andre and the first book he loved

 Peter Andre

READING a good book is one of life’s greatest pleasures and Sleb Safari is always interested to find out which book converted someone to the joy of reading.

Peter Andre had to wait until adulthood to find his book.

“I was never into books as a child, but when I was 21 I went to New York and read The Firm by John Grisham over a coffee in Starbucks,” he told The Times. 

“I was captivated by it. I could picture everything he was saying. I could even smell the wood in the firm’s office. It made me love books. I then went on to read every John Grisham book.”

What a gift, to write a book that changes someone’s life. And how wonderful to have found that book at the right time in your life.


Italian mayor tells hairdressers to stop wasting water

AND so to Italy where the mayor of a town is cracking down on hairdressers who wash clients’ hair twice.

The mayor of Castanaso, near Bologna, says the practice is unnecessary when the region is suffering from a severe drought and he’ll be handing out fines of up to EURO 500 to hairdressers and barbers who break the rules.

There are only 10 such businesses in the town so enforcement shouldn’t be too taxing although Sleb Safari would advise the mayor to get his hair trimmed out of town if he doesn’t want a revenge cut.


Social Media Smut

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