Sleb Safari: Martha Stewart's well-fed dogs killed her cat.
Sleb Safari is going to level with you, it did not expect to be bringing you an update on Martha Stewart’s dogs so soon. Possibly ever..
It’s only been a fortnight since Sleb Safari shared news of Martha’s four hounds. News that came courtesy of a very detailed post on Martha’s Instagram account about spending an entire Sunday holed up in her kitchen (professional, fully staffed) making enough food to last four hungry hounds two and a half months.
It wasn’t any food though, it was MS food.
Martha explained: “Included in the food are the following: carrots, broccoli, quinoa, kale, Swiss chard, peas, corn, butternut squash, sweet potatoes, venison, salmon heads and bones, blue fish, and a whole farm turkey poached and carefully removed from the bones. The fish, vegetable and turkey stock are used to moisten everything.”
It’s not just you, even Martha acknowledged it was a “monumental” undertaking.
Sadly, in this instance, well-fed does not equate to well behaved and it is with a heavy heart that Sleb Safari shares the news that the family dogs killed the family cat. No one ever said blending a family was easy.
Martha once more took to Instagram to scene-set and illustrated the tragic tale with a photo of three men digging a sizable grave for Princess Peony the cat. Reader, it was bleak.
She explained that the dogs had “mistaken” the “beautiful and unusual” Princess Peony “for an interloper”. A cat burglar perhaps? No, you’re right, now is not the time for tasteless jokes.
Martha wrote: “Burying the beautiful and unusual Princess Peony. The four dogs mistook her for an interloper and killed her defenceless little self. I will miss her very badly. RIP beauty”.
RIP beauty indeed. What a horrible death for the cat and what a horrible discovery for the human(s) who loved her.
Martha kept her chin up and threw herself into work. And work took her to Oklahoma. How does Sleb Safari know? Because Martha’s very next Instagram post showed her sitting on a private jet alongside eight saplings she had bought on her work trip and was flying home to her farm in upstate New York.
Stand down health and safety officers, Martha followed the aviation rule book.
“By the way we did not fly with the trees in the aisle. There were four of us in the back four seats and the eight trees occupied the middle four seats!! We are compliant and we have great pilots who watch over our safety!!!”
Sleb Safari likes to think the trees will be planted close to the beautiful and unusual Princess Peony’s grave but only time - and Instagram - will tell.
Kevin Hart Hearts Belfast
Kevin Hart is having a whale of a time in Belfast. Yes, Sleb Safari is playing photo assumption but why not imagine the man loves three minutes of sunshine after 57 minutes of rain? Why not?
Here he is with his wife and children enjoying a meal in the Kitchen Bar. Kevin adheres to the Mark Wahlberg school of 4.30am work outs so he likely ate half an onion ring and then arrived in the gym at 4am the following morning.
The family also visited Belfast Castle. If we don’t get a Giant’s Causeway visit by the end of the week questions will be asked.
Derry Girls 4ever
The sofa, 9.15pm tomorrow night? You’ll be there I know; sure where else would you be when it’s the first episode of the final series of Derry Girls?
Lisa McGee is right to bow out now when the show is perfection.
Still, it’ll be a sad day when we have to say goodbye to Sr Michael.
Adult looks different than childhood self shocker
ONE of Sleb Safari’s very many pet peeves is any article with the headline ‘Former famous person looks completely different now than when they shot to fame at 16’.
Really? You think?
The most recent example came courtesy of The Daily Mirror.
‘Hit-making girl group Cleopatra look totally different years on from chart-topping days’.
Do you remember Cleopatra? They were comin’ atcha circa 1998? They were teenage sisters Cleo, Yonah and Zainam Higgins and they had a music and TV career here and in the US before splitting up in the early noughties.
And now they are 38, 39 and 41, and look “incredibly different”. They are also “... all doing different jobs and with different career paths”.
And FYI Cleo has 5,000 Instagram followers while Zainam “has almost 4,000”. Did. You. Ever?