BUT a week ago Sleb Safari pitched a new TV show that had Channel 5 written all over it - All Creatures Great And Small meets Magaluf hen weekend. Brace yourselves because Sleb Safari has had another brainwave - a Masterchef meets The Masked Singer mash-up. Ladies and gentlemen, Sleb Safari presents to you The Masked Chef.
Picture it, Gordon Ramsey dressed as a rooster cooking coq au vin for Gregg with two Gs Wallace and John Torode. Watch them flip through a mental rolodex, comparing this giant rooster to every chef they know, plus every Masterchef contestant, plus every Celebrity Masterchef contestant plus every celebrity on earth and any nonagenarians knocking about space. “It’s Fred!” they’ll yelp, thinking the coq au vin is a clue and the Rooster is Fred Sirieix.
Then, just as in The Masked Singer and sister show The Masked Dancer, the contestant will give the judges a proper clue in a digitally altered voice. Gordon’s could be “I like to shout” and “I believe in motivating my team by yelling”. Whether Gregg and John can speak squawking rooster is another thing altogether.
Next up, Gino D’Acampo in a prawn costume and cooking spaghetti cacio e pepe. Who could it be? Gregg looks at John, John looks at a camera that isn’t on him, Gregg pulls a face and holds it for a beat too long… “Stanley Tucci” they conclude. Wrong. You wish. Stanley’s sitting at home with a Negroni, laughing gently, but not mockingly, because you think he’s Prawn. Stanley would never wear those shoes with that outfit.
Our third contestant will be Mary Berry dressed as a cinnamon stick and making a Sunday roast and we absolutely must have Ainsley Harriott in the mix, wearing a spatula costume, plus Clodagh McKenna as Gravy Boat, Nadia Hussain as Leek and Nigella Lawson as Twice-Buttered Toast making pasta puttanesca. If John and Gregg with two Gs don’t guess Nigella’s identity within the first five minutes there’s no hope for them.
And the rogue contestant has to be the newest celebrity ‘chef’ on the (kitchen) block - Master Brooklyn Beckham. He will be making his signature dish The Breakfast Sandwich, a recipe handed down to him by his great grandmother which he debuted on a morning TV show in the US watched by millions. But what costume to put him in. A microwave? Take away menu?
Move over Strictly, I’m A Celebrity and Love Island, Sleb Safari has just dreamt up the newest, biggest, daftest TV show in town.
High Five Andie MacDowell
This week’s high five goes to Andie MacDowell who decided the pandemic was as good a time as any to stop dying her hair and embrace her salt and pepper curls.
Andie has spoken to Vogue about the decision that involved her team since she’s a Hollywood actor and therefore aging is disallowed.
Andie is 63 and says that in terms of work she thinks “it’s more interesting to see me like this”. And personally?
“I suffered in this business as an actress, with people always wanting me to look younger. For me, it kind of hurts my heart that I can’t embrace where I am because honestly I feel like I am enough right where I am. I’m in great shape. I exercise all the time. I can pretty much keep up with the kids. I feel valuable where I am. I don’t want people to have the expectation that I need to look younger to have value or to be beautiful or desirable. We don’t do that to men. We love an older man. We love men as they age. I would love the same expectation for women, and we’re getting there… you know, baby steps.”
High five Andie MacDowell. Really, a woman in the public eye rocking their natural hair colour shouldn’t be a high five moment but that’s where we still are. For now.
Lost hiker ignores rescuers' calls because of unknown number
SPARE a thought please for the Colorado hiker who spent 24 hours lost and alone in the great outdoors after ignoring calls from rescuers because they were from an unknown number.
It’s very relatable. How and ever if you were facing a night in the wilderness wouldn’t you take a risk and answer that call even if it was from someone in a call centre asking you if you’d been in an accident recently?
Paris Hilton and her twin flame's wedding day approaches
ONLY 10 days until Paris Hilton marries her twin flame and we get to see the 10 dresses she has chosen for the occasion.
The hotel heiress, collector of Chihuahuas, podcaster provocateur, DJ, model, reality TV star and wearer of fingerless gloves is marrying venture capitalist Carter Reum after he proposed with a Cartier diamond.
They’re tying the knot next Thursday and none of us are invited but we can overlook that slight because Paris is treating us to a reality show, sorry, docuseries, detailing the build-up to the wedding and the big day itself. There are 13 episodes which is most definitely excessive but hey, this is Paris Hilton we’re talking about. Congrats to the twin flames and may they live happily ever after.
