MY FIRST marriage ended badly two years ago. My ex-husband was a selfish man, who put his own needs above his family. He was cold, miserable, and rarely showed affection – but what really hurt was the way he all but ignored his two sons. He never spent any time with them, except to tell them off, and it always fell to me to look after them and pick up the pieces.
When he left, I was glad to see him go, and I saw nothing of him for about 18 months. However, he’s now moved into a house nearby and we see him out and about a lot. It seems he’s re-married and now has a stepson. What really galls me is that he spends a lot of time happily playing football in the local park with his stepson, something he never did with his real sons. And if we see him with new wife, he seems like a totally different man.
My sons see him too, but he never even acknowledges them, and I am sure this must be upsetting for them. I am now in a new relationship and my new partner is everything my ex wasn’t: caring, loving and great with my boys, who think the world of him.
So why can’t I simply ignore my ex’s behaviour with his new family? Believe me, I’ve tried, but I can’t and it’s making me angry. What was so wrong with us that he couldn’t behave this way? How do I get over this, and what the heck do I say to my boys?
KM
FIONA SAYS: Please don’t blame yourself or your sons for your ex’s inability to be a decent, loving husband and father to you and them. The failure here was his. As is it his failure now to not even acknowledge his sons when he sees them. He may seem like a happier, changed man, but these actions still seem selfish and cold to me.
I know he harmed you and that it is probably very hard to forgive or forget, but please don’t let it spoil what you have now. You have a happy, stable relationship with a good man, who seems to have successfully taken on the role of father to your children, who appear to like him too.
I assume you have no intention of ever letting your ex back into your life, so what do you gain by continually agonising over how happy he seems?
If you continue obsessing, you also risk damaging your relationship and perhaps your health too. Rather than invest all this emotion in him, try focusing on the family that YOU have. Then, if you do see him again, remind yourself of the good things you have now and how they are so much better without him in your life.
The trickier issue is what to do about your boys. The accepted guidance is that children adjust better to separation when they have some sort of contact with their father. In this instance, I am not convinced that this would be in their best interests, but perhaps this is a conversation you should have with your sons.
Encourage them to talk about how they actually feel seeing their biological father around so much. They may need space to process their feelings, where they’re not going to be anxious about upsetting the adults around them by talking about it or saying the wrong thing.
If they seem to be struggling though, you may find it helpful to contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) for guidance on how best to proceed. This charity runs an online chat service and a helpline. Readers in Scotland can contact Children 1st (children1st.org.uk).
WHY DO I BLUSH SO MUCH?
WHENEVER someone tries to talk with me, I blush. And I don’t mean a slight pinking, I mean a real beetroot red.
It started when I was about 13 and just seems to be getting worse. I always thought it was the kind of thing that you grew out of, but I am 23 now and it’s showing no signs of improving.
It’s particularly bad if I have to speak in a group setting or, heaven forbid, talk to room full of people. My job requires me to do this on occasion and it’s really embarrassing. What causes it and is there anything I can do to make this stop?
EL
FIONA SAYS: Blushing is largely caused by blood capillaries getting signals to expand at a time when they normally wouldn’t, which pushes more blood to the surface of the body. It’s a completely automatic reaction and once a bout is started, it’s almost impossible to stop consciously.
Certain medical conditions can cause blushing too, as can certain medications, so it is probably worth speaking to your doctor first, in case they need to rule any of these things out. Although, very often there isn’t a medical cause.
In adults, blushing is typically triggered by emotions like anger or embarrassment and social anxiety. And the more intense the emotion, the redder a person becomes. You’re right, blushing does generally decline the older we get, and this is probably because we generally become more confident as we age.
For some though it does persist, and an ongoing lack of confidence would seem to be the main cause. If you think this applies to you, look for ways to bolster it. Don’t avoid those work situations where you are required to speak, seek them out if you can. The more you do it, the more adept you will become. And it sounds like you’re doing really well.
Prepare well and don’t be thrown if you feel yourself flushing. Your face is probably not as red as you think it is and, even if it is, does it really matter if the presentation is done well? Confidence building courses do exist and you could also try counselling or hypnotherapy.
Perhaps the simplest intervention is a good make up base layer to hide it. Finally, try not to get anxious about the blushing itself. The more you worry about blushing, the more likely you are to blush.
MY 10-YEAR-OLD KEEPS ASKING ABOUT SEX
OVER the last few months, my son has started to ask some awkward questions about sex. To date, I have managed to deflect him, but I can tell he’s getting a bit frustrated by the fact I am avoiding the issue.
My sister thinks I should just answer his questions because if I don’t, he’s likely to get the wrong information from his peers or look for answers on the internet, which could be so much worse. I can understand this up to a point, but surely 10 is far too young to be curious about sex. Not that I would know how to talk to him about it anyway.
PU
FIONA SAYS: I hate to disillusion you but it’s normal for children of 10 or so to start being curious about sex. They will often start having romantic feelings towards other people at about this age, joke about sex, or use sexual language. It is also not uncommon for them to start masturbating in private.
In view of this, I think your sister is probably right. Far better to get accurate information from someone who cares about him, than to be confused by half-truths bandied about between his friends. It may also deter him from trawling the internet for information.
In this context, please make sure that any devices he has access too have controls in place to stop access to harmful material. If you feel unable to have this type of conversation with your son, there are many books available to guide you. An established classic in the field is Lets Talk About Sex by Robie H Harris, which should answer most questions in a safe and clear way. Please try and share it with him though, rather than just give it to him to read. That way you can answer any questions that might occur to him.
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS AFFAIR?
I HOPE you can help me, as I have a problem with a married man I have been seeing for three years. Two years ago, he promised to separate, but there are always reason why he hasn’t or can’t do this. And he’s still not done it.
I have an eight-month-old baby from him. I have asked him to leave me alone, but he doesn’t. He looks for me and comes to see me in the house. I don’t know what to do.
DG
FIONA SAYS: Your letter is very short and has little detail about your situation, so it’s rather difficult for me to recommend a course of action. One thing I will say though is, if you have asked this man to stay away from you and he continues to visit, you might consider talking to the police.
In the meantime, refuse to speak to him if he calls, and simply close the door. If he has a key then change the locks. It should be clear to you by now that he has no intention of ever leaving his wife – married men are often reluctant to break up a marriage after an affair, even if there’s a baby involved.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
