I AM 36 and recently divorced for the second time – because, I think, of the pressure put on my ex-husbands and I to have children.
I got married the first time when I was 23 and my husband was 25. His mother actually started on at me about having grandchildren at our wedding, so I knew, even then that I was in for problems. After endless rows with her, my husband and I split after four years.
Two years later, I met my second husband. He said he definitely didn’t want kids either, so I thought it would be alright and for several years we were happy – but then it started. He said he’d changed his mind and wanted me to rethink my position. I was adamant though and after some terrible rows, we split, when his need to breed outweighed his need for me.
I know I don’t want children – I never have and never will – and I don’t really understand why any woman would want to stay at home with a crowd of screaming brats. On top of that, I think the world is a pretty terrible place and I don’t think it’s worth bringing more people into – there are enough here we don’t look after already. I’ve had some stinking rows with people who’ve told me that there is something wrong with me, that I am selfish and heartless, but I disagree.
Both times, I thought my husbands understood my position. But both times I was wrong, they wimped out because of family pressure. Are there any men strong enough to think like me, or am I destined to spend my life as a single woman?
HP
FIONA SAYS: I’ve edited down your letter quite a lot, because you are certainly passionate about your views – and quite rightly so. However, you don’t seem to question whether the rather aggressive stance you’re taking might put some people’s backs up? You have an absolute right not to have children – but, by the same token, people who do have children have an absolute right to their decision too.
You say that both your ex-husbands were being pressured, but could it be that your very firm attitude to children as ‘screaming brats’ had something to do with the splits? Personally, I’m glad that not everyone wants children – if everyone did then the world would be even more over-populated than it is already.
To have or not have children is a human right that everybody should be able to exercise without judgment or criticism. That goes both ways – I absolutely support your right to remain childfree. But I’d encourage you to try to extend the same lack of criticism and judgment to those who choose to have children.
I’d really like to encourage you to relax more and be confident in your decision, and I am sure you will find many men who agree with you.
I believe that nearly one-fifth of women in the UK are now childfree – some because they are unable to have children, but a great many because they have chosen not to. Like you, their reasons are many and various – it may be economic, it may be lifestyle, it may be one of dozens of possibilities. There are certainly a significant number of men who have also made the same decision and just because you haven’t found one yet, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
There is support out there and perhaps reading something like Childfree By Choice by Dr Amy Blackstone might help you to express your views logically to people who don’t understand. Your choice is not something you should have to defend though, and I hope you come to realise you really aren’t alone in this decision – many people feel the same.
HOW CAN I CONVINCE MY WIFE TO COME BACK?
AS A Catholic, I have always believed in my marriage vows, so I was deeply shocked when my wife left me after more than 20 years together. She has been living with someone else for two years now, and although I have tried hard to get her to come back to me, she says she won’t.
I thought we were happy together – we did have disagreements but nothing more than most couples, and I never dreamed she’d walk out on me. She says she wants a divorce, but I have refused as it is against my beliefs.
She won’t talk to me on the phone or answer my letters and I’ve even tried calling at the house she is living in, but she won’t see me. How can I convince her to come back to me and honour the vows we made?
PM
FIONA SAYS: Your wife has decided that your marriage is over, and I think that, after two years apart and another man on the scene, the chances of her coming back to you are slim.
I am sorry that this goes against your beliefs and that you feel she is breaking the vows you made together. But to offer you any hope that she will come back to you would be hypocritical. She has made her decision.
You have to decide how you are going to live with that and, because of your religious beliefs, I would suggest that you talk to your priest about it. While you might think you are holding out against a divorce, you should know that the law has changed and your wife doesn’t need your agreement any more. She can apply for a divorce with or without your consent, and continuing to try and persuade her to come back to you will, I’m sure, be hurting you more than it’s hurting her.
I am sure your priest will have some thoughts, but I feel any attempts to try and persuade her to come back now are doomed to failure.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
