I HAVE two daughters, both of whom have left home, though you’d never know it. In some ways, I see more of them now than when they lived with me.
My elder daughter has two boys, who I look after for two days a week while she works. I’m happy to do this – I like them. In fact, I volunteered when she said she wanted to work, but it is exhausting, especially during school holidays. She works long hours and some days I have them from 8am through to 8pm. The boys are also getting bigger and it’s becoming more difficult to keep up with everything they get into. I thought about suggesting she might want to look at childcare, but I know that this is expensive and money is tight.
My other daughter doesn’t work and is in a messy relationship with a man I really don’t like. She is totally disorganised and pops in all the time without warning, just for someone to talk to. The problem is, I work part-time from home when not child-minding and can’t just stop what I am doing to talk with her. She doesn’t seem to understand that the only way I can continue to help her financially is if I am able to work.
She and her boyfriend also argue a lot, which means that once or twice a month she’ll walk out and expect to stay with me. This usually lasts a few days (the last one was a week) until they make up again. That doesn’t stop her from bringing a pile of dirty washing along with whatever set of problems set off the latest row.
I have tried to stay patient, but I feel it’s only a question of time before I lose my temper and say something I might regret. I also feel tired, depressed and angry all the time; I’m not sleeping well, and I can’t shake the feeling that there must be more to life. I do love my children, but I can’t help feeling they are taking me for granted and I’m not sure I can cope any more. Is this unreasonable?
AF
FIONA SAYS: Not really, and I suspect the chief reason you feel as though you cannot cope any more is that you are exhausted. That’s not really surprising if almost everything you do seems to be to the benefit of your children. Yes, I know you love them and want to help – but when this starts to affect your health, I think it’s time for something to change.
I would start by seeing if any local schools run holiday play schemes. There is usually a small charge for this, but if your daughter agrees, perhaps you could reduce your childminding down to one day per week during the holidays. Then use this day to do something just for you, something you like doing and that will give you the chance to genuinely relax.
Then make sure your other daughter knows that this is your down time. In many ways, she presents the trickier problem because she has become dependent on you as a financial and emotional backstop. But you need to talk to her and soon – nothing will be gained by losing your temper. Explain that you will always be there for any real emergency she faces, but she needs to understand that you have to work and that you can’t do that if she interrupts too often.
You could even suggest that perhaps she could help look after her sister’s children, again assuming your other daughter agrees to this first. This might give her a sense of purpose and allow her to think about other peoples’ problems rather than her own. Finally, please don’t be too heavy-handed or critical of your daughters. I get plenty of letters from people who hardly see their children once they have left home.
MY SON IS ANXIOUS ABOUT BEING BULLIED AGAIN
MY SON is due to start secondary school in September and rather than looking forward to his summer holiday in a few weeks, he is already fretting about his new school. He has never been hugely outgoing but has a few good friends at junior school. Sadly, none of these are going to his new school.
One lad that IS going is one who bullied him quite badly during last year, and it’s this which is worrying him. I have tried to talk to him about it and reassure him, but he’s clearly still anxious. In truth it’s bothering me too, but I am unsure what to do about it. Should I warn his new school in advance about the lad who bullied my son?
KW
FIONA SAYS: You say this lad bullied your son last year, does this mean that it has now stopped? If this is the case, is it possible that he has genuinely changed his ways? Given this, it might not be a good idea to name him before he gets to the new school. Doing this could bias the new school against him unfairly and potentially drive him back into the one thing it’s trying to prevent.
Better perhaps to acknowledge that children do change and give him a second chance. Remember that bullying takes place for all manner of reasons, and often because the bully has problems of their own. It could be that the child doing the bullying is struggling to deal with issues in their own lives, such as parents divorcing, death of a relative, abuse or humiliation of some sort. I’m certainly not trying to say this makes bullying behaviour OK, but it’s often the child who has problems and is trying to cover these up who is the worst bully.
The school will need to address this, and hopefully your son’s primary school has done so. That said, I am sure the new school would want to know if your son is anxious about being bullied, or indeed anything else. Talk with your son and really listen to his concerns. Help him to understand that it’s alright to talk to you or someone at the school if anything is bothering him or someone starts to bully him again.
The move from primary to secondary school is stressful and it’s not possible to remove all the anxiety that he’s probably feeling. It’s a time of great change and some anxiety is to be expected. You could help him, though, by getting him to see that bullying doesn’t need to dominate his life, however difficult it is. If you can help him to develop new skills before he starts at secondary school, it might well increase his confidence.
Joining a club of some kind – perhaps some form of sport that’s a bit different, like judo or archery. Alternatively, an activity like drama or self-defence would help to build his confidence and make new, different friends outside the school environment.
These days, schools are so much more aware of bullying, and they’re required to have an anti-bullying policy in place. I hope your son’s new school will do whatever it can to make his move a happy one.
HOW CAN I HELP MY DAUGHTER MAKE MORE FRIENDS?
I HAVE two children. My son, who is nine, is into everything and has a lot of friends, but his sister who’s 10 has only one really good friend. Her ‘bestie’ is a great kid, but they are forever falling out.
What worries me is what my daughter will do if this falling out ever becomes permanent. She doesn’t mix with other children at school and has no other friends outside of school. I wish I could get her to be more sociable. What should I do?
LD
FIONA SAYS: Having one ‘best friend’ at this age is not uncommon, and it’s also common for children to fall in and out of friendships. They soon make up and forget previous grievances. I would, therefore, avoid making this into too big an issue. If you do, you risk your daughter thinking she has a problem, which could trigger other problems later in life.
Better to encourage her into activities that give her as much exposure as possible to potential new friends, and which she also enjoys – that is important. In time, I am sure she will be fine.
If you feel a bit more guidance in dealing with this would be helpful, consider contacting Family Lives (familylives.org.uk). This organisation offers advice and support to parents through a network of local support groups, and confidential help and chat lines.
REALLY WANT A BABY
I HAVE been married for a year and am desperate to start a family. My husband thinks we should wait. He says we are still relatively young so have plenty of time, as women can have babies well into their 40s. He also says we need to save and buy our own place, rather than continue to live with my parents.
My brain sees the sense of this, but my heart just can’t – I really want a baby. It’s not helped by the fact that my parents talk constantly about wanting grandchildren. I am also worried that we will never be able to afford to house, so why wait?
HC
FIONA SAYS: It’s understandable that your husband would want to be financially and physically independent of your parents before starting a family. I get many letters from struggling young parents, who cannot cope with the stress of starting a family before they are really ready. I know you don’t want to hear this, but the decision to start a family at any time must be a joint one, it’s the only fair solution.
If you force your husband into this before he’s ready, it will most likely cause resentment and might affect the long-term health of your marriage. Nor should you let the wishes of your parents have any influence on this.
I know it seems hard, but try to view this as a delay only.
Your husband hasn’t said he never wants a family, he just thinks you’re both not ready right now.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
