MY FRIEND runs a friendship group on Facebook and she’s constantly worrying about people from another group trying to infiltrate it. She started it because she was thrown out of the other group for trying to organise a get-together. The woman who ran it wanted to be involved with everything.
Now she thinks that woman is jealous because the new group is so popular, and that she is sending ‘spies’ to find out what she’s up to. Many other people from the original group have left to join the new one, and it’s hard for my friend to know which ones are genuine.
We’ve offered to help but although she says she wants help, she never takes any of us up on the offer. She keeps finding excuses for not getting together to try and sort it, and when we put questions to her in the messages group that we have, she glosses over them.
When we do manage to pin her down, she just makes excuses and says we didn’t understand her and that she’s not worried about ‘spies’ at all and everything’s fine. We get so frustrated for her, but we love the group and want to help.
DC
FIONA SAYS: It’s great that you want to help and as the group grows, I’m sure she will need to involve others to keep it going smoothly. For now though, it’s her baby, and while she wants and may even need help, she’s reluctant to let anyone else take care of it.
She sounds a little paranoid, to be honest – running a friendship group through Facebook doesn’t exactly sound like something worth spying on. What is she trying to hide from the woman who threw her out of the original group?
Would it really matter if there were ‘spies’ – what would they find out?
You don’t say if your friend is a friend you meet in person or someone who you know through social media. If you know her in person, then think of other ways you can support her – for a start, call and see her when you can – she may appreciate the offer of a shared cup of coffee sometimes. Maybe suggest the two of you go for a walk together – getting out in the air can help anxiety.
If you only know her through her online presence. you may not know what insecurities she’s trying to cover. You can try reassuring her that there’s nothing to hide, so why does it matter if people try to infiltrate the group. You can certainly encourage her to put some strict rules in place for the group around data protection; things shared within the group shouldn’t be shared outside it, for a start.
Perhaps you could put together a small group of the original group members to support her by monitoring new members and reporting back to her, so that she doesn’t have to do that by herself.
If the new group is more popular than the old one then presumably, in time, it will cease to matter about this woman and her ‘spies’. I would gently point out to he, though, that by trying to monitor and control everything, she is sounding rather like the person who runs the group she was thrown out of...
SO FED UP WITH MY HUSBAND NEVER WANTING TO GO ON HOLIDAY
AFTER all we’ve been through with Covid, I really want to have a holiday this year, but I suspect it’ll come to nothing again. Every year – apart from last year of course – we go through this, and each time it seems to cause more trouble and upset.
My husband won’t make any decisions but then moans about those I make. He doesn’t want to spend money and rejects even the cheapest holidays. I could understand, I think, if it was because he was worried about Covid still, but he’s always been like this.
I suggested in May we should organise a holiday, but he started making excuses and I’m so fed up with him. The children could really do with a break, so I’ve decided we’ll just go, and he can come too if he likes.
The problem is that our youngest asked if we were going away and then said she really wanted daddy to come to. Now I’m confused – would it be wrong to go away without him? We’re not well off but we’re not poor either, so why can’t we have a normal family holiday?
MB
FIONA SAYS: If your husband rejects even cheap holidays, then I think you are making the right decision in going away with the children by yourself. Don’t let yourself get confused by what your youngest says – agree with her that it would be nice if daddy came too, but explain that he doesn’t seem to like holidays. The sooner she learns that people can and do think differently, the better.
I don’t think you should just slip away without telling him, but let him know that if he would like to come too, he would be very welcome.
Be aware, though, that holidays abroad at the moment could potentially involve having to quarantine and that prices for UK holidays have gone up considerably. I hope you and the children find somewhere nice to get away to – and that your husband decides to join you.
MY WIFE IS DYING – IS OUR SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER TOO YOUNG FOR FUNERALS?
MY WIFE has terminal bone cancer. She’s only 38 but she’s dying and there’s nothing that can be done. I’m devastated, as you might imagine, as she’s the love of my life.
Between us, we are managing to put a brave face on things, even though we know it won’t be long now. Together we’ve talked to and tried to explain things to our seven-year-old daughter, who obviously gets upset at times but is mostly being very strong and thoughtful.
My wife has planned out her funeral and she’s deliberately involved our daughter in the arrangements.
There have been tears, but it’s actually been very helpful as she knows she’s doing something positive to help her mum. She’s helped to choose the words and the music that will be used, and I think she feels proud of her contribution.
When I mentioned this to my mother-in-law, she was horrified that we wanted our daughter to come to the funeral at all. She said she thought it would be cruel to put her through such an ordeal. She has obviously discussed it with other relatives because, since then, I have had several phone calls from other relatives, all going on in the same vein.
What should I do? I don’t want our daughter to suffer more than she will anyway. Now she’s been involved in choosing the ceremony, I think she would be devastated at being kept away.
DT
FIONA SAYS: I am so sorry that you are facing such a tragedy, and very much admire the way you and your wife have had the courage and sensitivity to be able to include your daughter. Children have vivid imaginations, and if she did not know what was going on, she might think she was in some way responsible. A staggering number of children do feel they are in some way to blame when a parent dies.
In the same way, I think to exclude her from the funeral might also mean she imagines something terrible is going on. You have, presumably, explained to her that the event won’t just be about the words and the music? She presumably understands that it’s an occasion when people will say their final goodbyes to her mother? If she understands that, then maybe she should be given the option on whether or not she wants to go.
You can explain to her that it will be a sad and tearful occasion – that you, yourself, may well be upset and unable to comfort her. While they are distressing occasions, funerals can also provide comfort and support and I am sure she will feel this – despite the opposition from relatives you are facing about this.
Perhaps talk to some of the relatives who have not voiced their opposition, and I am sure you will find some who are supportive. When the day finally does come, it would be a good idea if you asked one of those she trusts from the supportive group to pay special attention to your daughter. It may be that your own grief is such that it becomes too much for you, and it would be good to know your little girl is being looked after by someone she is comfortable with.
SCARED I MIGHT BE PREGNANT
I THINK I’m pregnant and I’m scared. I haven’t had a period for two months and have only been married for three. I know absolutely nothing about babies and certainly don’t feel ready to start a family.
I feel even more isolated by the fact we’ve just moved to a new area to be nearer to my husband’s work, and I don’t have any female friends nearby. This probably sounds silly, but I don’t even know when the right time is that I should go and see my doctor.
CM
FIONA SAYS: The ‘right’ time is right now – because you’re concerned and worried (and there is nothing wrong in feeling like this). Your doctor will be able to confirm whether you’re pregnant. At present, it’s not definite that you are. You may not have had a period, but the stress of a wedding and moving might have disrupted your menstrual cycle, or something else could be going on. Go and see your GP right away and find out what’s happening.
Although you don’t have many female friends at present, it’s amazing how babies bring people together. Once you start mixing with caring medical staff and join other mums-to-be at antenatal classes, I’m sure you’ll find all the support you need.
The National Childbirth Trust (nct.org.uk) helps expectant parents with a range of classes before the baby is born and a wide range of support afterwards. Getting to know other mums-to-be and, in due course, their babies can really help you get to know other people nearby who are going through the same thing as you. Do look at the website to find out what’s on offer.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
