HELLO again, how is lockdown treating you? We’re all feeling it in different ways and it’s important to take the whole thing very seriously indeed, including adhering to that one daily foray into the outside world to stretch your legs.
If you're not getting enough exercise Sleb Safari can highly recommend putting the teabags in one room, biscuits in another, the kettle in a third room and keeping the milk where it is in the fridge because no-one will benefit from food poisoning during lockdown.
And if you’re lucky/unlucky* enough to be sharing a house with someone at this time you can really up your step count by getting that person to hide the tea cups.
* opinions can fluctuate from one day to the next
During this daily treasure hunt your productivity at work will plummet but at least it’ll be the first time your boss has heard ‘I couldn’t find my cup’ as an excuse.
Top tip: Sleb Safari would look in the shredder first.
Sleb Safari is chockablock full of incredible ideas of things you should and shouldn’t do while staying at home and out of harm’s way and feels a compulsion to share them with you.
Do not:
1 Belt a pillow to yourself and attempt the celebrity endorsed and cleverly named #pillowchallenge. It is less a challenge and more an exercise in vanity. Much more satisfying to watch Stanley Tucci make his wife a Negroni.
2 Leave candles unattended and destroy your home gym, a la Britney Spears. If you’re forgetful at the best of times or having an alcoholic drink don’t bother lighting a candle. Sleb Safari doesn’t know the circumstances surrounding Britney’s blaze but “one thing led to another and I burnt it down” she says. All she’s left with now are two pieces of gym equipment which may well be the dumbbells she’s using in her explanatory Instagram video.
The things you should do:
1 Create a home gym immediately. Put a rolled up yoga mat in the corner of your living room and hey presto you have a yoga studio. Leave your still-boxed TK Maxx dumbbells in the bedroom and you’ve an instant weights room. Next time you have a shower use that towel you got free when you joined a gym aeons ago and voila, you’ve been to the gym. Do you feel fitter yet?
2 Listen to Kelly Clarkson’s cover of Madonna’s Like A Prayer or any other Kellyoke track.
3 Watch some of the reunions of film and TV show casts that are happening online, like The Goonies and The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
4 Do the Blinding Lights TikTok challenge and watch more of Tadhg Fleming and his family’s dance efforts.
5 Have more baths.
Apologies, Sleb Safari seems to have typed out its to-do list for the week ahead.
Can someone check in on Anna Wintour please?
SLEB Safari would like to register some very real concern about Anna Wintour’s whereabouts.
Exhibit A: Anna Wintour wearing tracksuit bottoms or leisure slacks or comfy capris or whatever Vogue is now calling them. Anna has made her feelings on leisure wear perfectly clear through the years: The devil does not wear joggers.
Exhibit B: Anna Wintour running. In a tracksuit.
Where is Anna Wintour and what have you done with her?
High Five Katherine Ryan
This week’s hat tip goes to Katherine Ryan who had no time for someone’s online cheek.
Katherine posted a picture on Instagram and someone wrote “Awesome doctor, share his number” to which Katherine replied that she’d never had surgery and was simply a fan of sunscreen.
A third person weighed in, suggesting that the comment might have been genuine, but Katherine had the final word: “I didn’t get porcelain skin by not recognising shade.”
High five and indeed hat tip to Katherine.
Hairdressers, send help to Keith Urban
Keith Urban, singer/songwriter and husband of Nicole Kidman, loves his hair straighteners and highlights so lockdown must be excruciating for him.
He shared this picture on Instagram the other day and it’s a worry.
