OK, here's the plan. I’m going to move in to Vanilla. I’ll just book a table and never leave. I’ll nip into the toilet now and then to freshen up, brush my teeth, sleep, and what have you. I reckon if I can brazen it out for a couple of days, make it look like I’m meant to be there, then the staff will be too embarrassed to say anything.
I can use my iPhone to order a change of underwear once a month or so – I do have standards, you know – and that’ll make it even more convincing. After all, if I’m getting parcels delivered, I must belong there.
This place is just the bee’s knees, you see. In fact, if you rang the day before, they’d probably make you bee’s knees; I don’t see why not – they do a crispy pig’s head (I was tempted by that, but gave it a miss, as I already have one).
From the outside, it’s quite ordinary, with no hint of the fantasticness awaiting you inside. You step straight in off the high street into one long, narrow room, simple, elegantly decorated, with the tables laid out in a line along each wall. It’s relaxed, friendly, informal, no airs or graces. And brilliant.
I started with the ravioli. (If there was one fault, it was the Italian grammar. Ravioli is the plural of raviolo. I only got one. I didn’t say anything: Heaven knows, I’m neither pretentious nor pedantic.)
Leaving aside il sbaglio, the pasta was exactly firm and thin enough and the fish was beautifully enhanced by the delicate flavours of the lemongrass and coriander. My wife’s goats cheese was gorgeous. It was warm and soft and encased in a crisp crumb, and accompanied by a deep beetroot and a wonderfully sharp, sweet sorbet. Such a mixture of textures and tastes!
That same combination was there in the mains. My lamb was tender and full of flavour, and then there was this kaleidoscope of colours and notes alongside. The shallot and onion puree gave sweetness, there was earthiness from the artichoke, and a wonderful consistency from the gnocchi.
I think there was a crunchy walnut in there, too, but it might have come from my wife’s plate. It was one of those meals where you keep passing over/demanding forkfuls, saying You’ve got to try this, or Give me some of that.
Her beef was cooked to perfection, the gratin was deliciously balanced, and the horseradish and bone marrow crumb added wonderful dimensions to the meat.
That love-filled exchange of food came to a screeching halt when the puddings arrived, however. I was allowed to look at my wife’s sticky toffee pudding, but no more. Who’d have thought a spoon could be an offensive weapon? It was, so I’m told, amazing – rich and moist and yummy.
I didn’t mind too much, as my lemon brulee was more than good enough to make up for missing out on the sticky toffee. The topping was perfect and the brulee creamy and keen.
Before the meal, I’d ordered a Martini, and afterwards the barman came over and asked what I thought of it. He chatted about the difference between straight up, dry, and extra dry. I, of course, have no idea. I asked for it because I fancy myself as a bit of a 007 (the first bald Bond – a long shot, maybe but worth a fiver), but I bluffed my way through.
The fact he came over was telling. He’s interested in his work, takes pleasure in it, and relishes the enjoyment of his customers. Everything about Vanilla shows this same relish – the atmosphere, the service, the food. It’s assured, confident, at ease, and very special.
If you want me, I’ll be at Vanilla.
THE BILL
Starters
Organic beetroot terrine, warm Ardsallagh goats cheese, mandarin sorbet, basil – £5.95
Langoustine, lobster, and salmon ravioli, chilli, lemongrass, coriander, ginger, parmesan emulsion, fennel and carrot salad – £8.95
Mains
Herb crusted rump of Black Face lamb, pulled neck, gnocchi, caramelised onion puree, spring greens, roast shallot, artichoke – £22.95
Hay-roasted Hereford beef, mushroom and potato gratin, horseradish crushed carrots, Bordelaise sauce, bone marrow crumb, micro greens – £22.95
Side dishes
Pont neuf potatoes and garlic aioli £4
Onion rings – £3
Pudding
Sticky toffee pudding, vanilla ice cream – £5.95
Lemon crème brulee – £5.95
Drinks
Bottle of Jumper Sauvignon Blanc – £21.95
Vodka Martini – £6.80
Total: £108.45
Vanilla, 67 Main Street, Newcastle 028 4372 2268
