Sleb Safari: Cheryl's ex wades in, imaginary fists flying
IF THERE’S one thing Sleb Safari loves it’s mysterious quotes from a ‘pal’ or ‘source’ in a celebrity article. Often the story will leave you with a nasty suspicion that the friend in question is entirely fictional – mainly because their responses read like a Dalek who’s trying to pass as human.
There were some particularly entertaining quotes this week following the split between singer Cheryl (surname now unclear) and that fella Liam thingy from One Direction.
We had the usual ‘pals’ claiming Chezza is looking for houses in glamorous Barnet to move closer to her friend Kimberley out of Girls Aloud and others claiming the singer’s mother Joan was the real reason the pair split up.
Look, I know what you’re thinking dear reader: you’re wondering what Cheryl’s ex-husband (no not Ashley Cole, the other one) has to say on the subject. Please, I hear you cry, we can’t rest until we hear the thoughts of ex-Mr Cheryl, French restauranteur Jean-Bernard Fernandez Versini. Well, wait no longer.
It seems that the improbably double double-barrelled Frenchman, who was married to the singer for, ooh months, a few years ago, had a recent ‘run-in’ with her baby daddy Liam at a top London eatery.
"Liam was worse for wear,” a ‘friend’ of Jean-Bernard told The Sun. “He was goading JB but JB said he was not going to get involved with a ‘little 24-year-old boy’.”
This sounds like the perfect response, too perfect if you ask Sleb Safari who can only think of a witty retort two years after the event.
Another unnamed friend told New! magazine: “Staff were worried that JB would be provoked as he boxes every day”.
Sleb Safari loves the idea of restaurant staff having an intimate knowledge of a customer’s exercise regime. That really seems to going above and beyond a waiter’s job description.
The friend continues: “But he assured them he was not looking for a fight and he would leave.”
Phew! The imaginary threat of an imaginary fight certainly would have been terrifying. Thankfully fake crisis averted.
These quotes all sound so suspiciously favourable to Jean-Bernard that you can’t help but wonder if he’s the actual ‘friend’. Sleb Safari likes to imagine JB ringing up all the tabloids and celebrity magazines with a tissue over the receiver, like a rubbish spy.
You do wonder why JB still cares, other than to make another desperate bid for relevance. The truth is that now Cheryl and Liam have split, JB has become the third least interesting person she’s ever gone out with. He really needs to move on.
In the immortal words of Vanessa 'Nessa' Shanessa Jenkins from Gavin and Stacey “you had your chance”.
DRAKE'S CENTRE COURT LURKING
THERE’S a section in the funniest book ever written, Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction, where Adrian writes an advice letter to English tennis player Tim Henman, urging him to stop inviting his parents to his matches.
“In fact, if they try to get on to the Centre Court, have them thrown out by security staff,” the letter reads. “If my parents were watching me do my work, I would also go to pieces.”
Sleb Safari was struck by the same fear when she noticed rapper Drake lurking at the side of Wimbledon’s Centre Court during Serena Williams’s quarter-final match last week.
The Canadian star stood up between points, clapped and generally made a spectacle of himself while watching his ex-girlfriend play.
Thankfully the Greatest Of All Time wasn’t put off her game.
But still, Sleb Safari advises Serena to have a word with the security staff in time for next year.
Nothing would be more hilarious than watching a burly guard tell Drake ‘hold on, we’re going home’, while man-handling him out of the Royal Box.
We look forward to next year’s Wimbledon with added interest, and extra popcorn.
IDRIS ELBA WRITES THE THEME TUNE, SINGS THE THEME TUNE
IN the strangest bit of mis-casting ever seen, Idris Elba is to play Quasimodo in a new retelling of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Elba will also direct and produce the Netflix project, and produce its original music.
Sleb Safari has her fingers crossed that like top Minder actor Dennis Waterman, who sang the theme tunes of at least four of his programmes, Idris will also delight us with his own vocal stylings.
SOCIAL MEDIA SMUT
Eamonn Holmes as 'Donald Trump' with 'Kim Kardashian' Keith Lemon