Afterlives Harry and Anne Radio 4
Patrick was 25 years old when he died. He was extremely bright and had a gift for friendship.
He left a scribbled note: “No funeral … just play The French Inhaler - Warren Zevon.”
His father, Harry, said he would play that song over and over again, asking himself why was this the song his son wanted people to hear before he took his own life?
Toby was just 23 when he went into a field and ended his life. He was an only child. His mother, Anne, was in total shock at first .. there was no hint or clue. It was, she said, a bolt out of the blue.
Afterlife took these two parents with the shared experience of losing a child to suicide and gave them space to talk.
It is not the easiest listen – but what happened is too familiar.
For Harry, who was a headmaster at the time of his son’s death, it led to serious questions.
“I was a headteacher guiding parents about their children’s welfare … but this was a headteacher who hadn’t been able to keep his own son alive,” he said.
The family never hid the fact that Patrick had taken his own life. In the end, Harry stopped working because of grief.
“I was sure I would never smile again. I would never find joy in anything again,” he said.
Anne said her life was split into a before and after Toby’s death
“You’re trying to bear something that in your brain tells you is unbearable.”
There was a song, Green Day, with the lyrics: “I hope you have the time of your life.”
She told Toby she wanted it for her funeral but ended up playing it for his.
Harry’s son Patrick had struggled with his mental health for half of his life… as a small child, he used to talk about killing himself regularly.
He was in a “big hole”, he said and he killed himself to end the pain.
Anne said she would have liked a note.
“He could have stuck around but he didn’t,” she said.
But if such unbearable grief does anything, then it makes you more compassionate to others.
When you see homeless people in street doorways you feel more connected to them, said Harry.
Papyrus – a charity for the prevention of young suicide - has given his life meaning.
Anne trekked the Sahara in memory of Toby raising £4,000 for Papyrus.
Nothing can take away such grief, but here were two parents who found a way to move forward in the face of utter devastation.
