Sleb Safari: A handbag for my watermelon? Don't mind if I do

The Tsuchiya Kaban watermelon bag is price on request

NOTHING screams Christmas like the surge of a second wave of a highly contagious virus. No, wait, Sleb Safari is going to have another pass at that. Nothing screams Christmas like the goop gift guide and, global pandemic or no global pandemic, Gwyneth Paltrow will not see you stuck for the perfect Christmas gift.

The first item you might want to circle with a felt tip á la any toy catalogue that entered your childhood home is the rather more grown up goop X Avocado Green mattress.

Coming in at $38,000, the “trip to the moon of beds” has 29 layers of things Sleb Safari would like to sleep on until spring.

“We source the finest organic certified materials: pure latex and heritage wool from our own farms in India, royal alpaca from the Peruvian Andes, cashmere, coco fibre from the temperate zones of Asia, ‘non-violent’ organic silk, extra long-staple cotton, organic flax...”

Gwyneth, you had Sleb Safari at royal alpaca. But in the immortal words of Jimmy Cricket, c’mere, there’s more.

“Of course, everything, from the nesting of materials and assembly of the springs, to the stitching of the side panels and tufting, is done by hand. As a result, each mattress requires a team of 12 craftsman several weeks just to produce one goop X Avocado bed.”

The Sleep Foundation recommends changing your mattress every six to eight years but with $38,000 worth of royal alpaca wool stuffed in there you couldn’t blame anyone who wanted to squeeze a few more years’ sleep out of it.

If fashion trumps snoozing you might like the look of the Tsuchiya Kaban watermelon bag, price on request. You’ve been goop warned – come next summer, if you’re seen leaving an organic store in the Hamptons with your watermelon in a jute tote, know that you’ll be judged accordingly.

The PlantWave device will “capture, graph, and translate” the electrical currents given off by plants and translate them into sound

Meanwhile, for $299, you can pick up a PlantWave device, which will “capture, graph, and translate” the electrical currents given off by plants and translate them into sound.

Goop explains: “Just attach the sensors to the leaves of any living thing (your ficus, your fiddle-leaf fig, the fronds in your backyard), connect wirelessly to your phone, and enjoy the soothing sounds that drift out of it.” Love it, want it.

A $4,425 Hermés skateboard

The ‘ridiculous but awesome’ guide has a wealth of gifts, including the $4,425 Hermés skateboard; the $65 Air Company carbon-negative vodka (rest assured any hangover will be as fierce as the carbon-positive version) and a $210 lamp made out of bread. But is it sourdough or banana bread?

A $210 lamp made out of bread

Finest of all the gifts is a concrete, self-heating, free standing bath tub with a $100,000 starting price. Concrete doesn’t scream comfort does it? “Ooh, Sue, do you know what you should do? Pour yourself a large glass of dilutable, grab a book, squeeze some Matey in the tub and climb into a warm, concrete bubble bath.”

Gwyneth, Sleb Safari is happy to be proven wrong so be a dear and pop that mattress and concrete bath in the post and don't forget to bubble wrap them well!

A concrete, self-heating, free standing bath tub with a $100,000 starting price

Keeping Up With The Beckhams

Now that there’s a Keeping Up With The Kardashians shaped hole in the TV listings (small waist, great bum) there’s never been a better time for the Beckhams to offer their lives on a Netflix-shaped plate.

Rumours have been swirling for a while that the Beckhams were in talks about a show and happily The Sun has the inside track on the whole thing.

"This is a real coup for Netflix – and will show a completely different side to David, one the public very rarely get to see,” a source told the Sun.

“David’s family are all massive archivers; they’ve been proudly documenting his career since he was a boy and have kept all the old local newspaper cuttings, school records and team photos throughout the years.

“Needless to say, David is bound to come off brilliantly while viewers will get to see Victoria’s quick wit.”

The scene Sleb Safari most wants to see is the one where Brooklyn comes home with his fianceé’s eyes tattooed on the back of his neck. Presumably one parent cries while the other stands behind them, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

  Brooklyn Beckham has had his betrothed's eyes inked on to the back of his neck. Reason unknown. Picture from Instagram


Tom Daley wouldn't thank you for a soak in the bath

Olympic diver Tom Daley and his husband Dustin Lance Black 

CONCERNING news from the home of Olympic diver Tom Daley and his husband Dustin Lance Black.

Tom has casually mentioned that he doesn’t enjoy a soak in the bath because of all the time he spends training in swimming pools.

“I don’t like baths, and we have a hot tub that I don’t like getting in. I spend my whole day in water, so the last thing I want to do when I get home is get wet again,” he told Grazia.

Does that animosity stretch to showers one wonders? Is Tom trying to tell us that he partakes of a dust bath? Over to you Tom.

Social Media Smut


thank u, cord, for wanting so badly to be showcased in this photo. you look incredible , powerful, effortless

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on

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