Sleb Safari: We're sending chicken nuggets into space now
2020 has set a lot of records but let’s keep a special place in the history books for the chicken nugget launched into space to mark the 50th anniversary of supermarket chain Iceland.
The nugget was catapulted into the stratosphere from a location close to Iceland’s head office in north Wales and it took two hours for the breaded snack to reach 110,000ft, or 33,528m in new money, above the Earth.
Having reached peak altitude, the nugget headed back towards home at 200 miles per hour, with its parachute deploying at around 19,000m to enable a “safe landing”.
But this is where the trail goes cold. What became of the chicken nugget? Where was the site of this ‘safe landing’? Was there a team of people on standby holding the corners of a blanket to catch this pioneering space nugget?
If this chicken nugget – the first to be sent into space – was sacrificed for a PR stunt Sleb Safari is going to be clucking cross. Is this how we treat our heroes now? Send them into space, nameless, and expect them to do a thankless task? Show the nugget some respect, Iceland.
On the subject of anniversaries, the Spice Girls celebrate their 25th next year and Melanie C reckons they should reform, all five of them, and go on tour.
“It would be rude not to,” she told Lorraine.
Well, quite Melanie C, quite. The only problem Mel C foresees is the pandemic delaying things. If they can’t tour on their 25th anniversary how should they mark it properly? Send half a chicken nugget into space?
Are chicken nuggets going to become the new paper lantern? Are we going to have farmers complaining about their livestock snacking on chicken nuggets coated in space dust and the Coastguard launching rescue crafts when they see a chicken nugget with parachute streaking across the sky?
And continuing with the nugget theme, Stacey Solomon has some advice for anyone thinking of putting their Halloween decorations up early.
Stacey learned her lesson the hard way. She decorated just before her partner was taking the oldest boys away for the night, leaving her alone with Theo the dog and Rex, 18 months, who’s very cute and would giggle if he came face to face with a ghost and offer his sippy cup as a token of friendship.
Stacey got so scared in her Halloween-ed home that she upped sticks and drove to her sister’s in the middle of the night.
"Late last night I creeped myself out so ended up packing up Theo and Rex and coming to my sisters,” she shared on Instagram.
"I'm such a loser I know but when I'm home alone the slightest noise or shadow gives me the creeps. I'm missing Mr Grumpy and the gang," she added.
The last time Sleb Safari checked in on Stacey and Joe Swash was in July when Stacey accidentally locked him out overnight. Joe had been celebrating his sister’s birthday and came home to a locked door and a sleeping household.
Our hungover hero had to bed down in the shed and got so thirsty that he drank from the garden hose, then spent the rest of the day wondering if he’d caught anything from it.
Joe, the nugget of wisdom for you from all of this is that you should have stood outside the living room window with a tarpaulin over your head making woooooooh noises. Stacey would have been up like a shot and had the front door unbolted ready to make a dash for the safety of her sister’s house before you’d even produced the shears.
Stevie Nicks has some Halloween advice
Stevie Nicks, she of the lyrics, the voice and the shawls, has an important public health announcement and she wants everyone to hear it.
“Let me tell you, Botox only makes you look like you’re in a satanic cult. I only had it once and it destroyed my face for four months,” she told The Guardian.
“I would look in the mirror and try and lift my eyebrow and go: ‘Oh, there you are, Satan’s angry daughter.’ Never again.”
In conclusion, if the look you seek this Halloween is Satan’s angry daughter then be prepared to pony up for Botox.
Leaving the last word to Danny Dyer
AS is often the case, it is Danny Dyer we look to for spiritual guidance.
Danny wants you to know that 2020 is a challenge and it’s OK not to be OK.
“There’s still that gender thing where men don’t feel natural opening up, talking, and it is something that is so important.
“This mental health thing what’s going on as well at the moment, the pandemic really is just a sideshow to what’s going on really with people’s f****** brains and the anxiety.
“It is tough and you have got to talk about stuff, you have got to get it out there. Even if you talk to a f****** tree, talk to something.”
Listen to the man. Talk to someone.