Sleb Safari: Coleen Rooney and the mystery of the leaky Instagram account
MOVE over Nancy Drew, there’s a new detective in town. Coleen Rooney, nee McLoughlin, has out Famous Fived the Famous Five and humiliated the Hardy Boys.
You all know what Sleb Safari is talking about – Coleen suspected a fellow footballer’s wife of selling, or at least feeding, stories about her to the tabloids so she set up a social media sting and her big reveal last Wednesday hijacked the news agenda.
Did anyone else hear the EastEnders music when they read “It’s… Rebekah Vardy’s account”.
My word that Coleen Rooney plays a long game. Five months she’s been running this sting operation for. Five months! Patience of a saint. Which makes sense when you consider that she’s married to Wayne Rooney.
And if you could keep the noise down please that would be great; Rebekah Vardy has a forensic investigator trawling through her phone data to clear her name and they need peace and quiet to work.
Clearly it’s the easiest money this forensic investigator will ever earn and the one job they can dine out on forever. Hopefully they haven’t signed a non-disclosure agreement or else they’ll be talking about “my client Tribeca and her friend Noleen whose husbands play fussball at a very competitive level”.
If there’s any justice in this world Lady Hale is going to have to weigh in. But which brooch will she wear?
Coleen Rooney is very clear who’s at fault and after issuing a lengthy j’accuse on social media her spokesman backed it up with the statement: “It is irrefutable that the leaks came from one account, and one account only.”
This spokesman was channelling Ted “one thing and one thing only” Hastings and for that we’re grateful.
The reaction was swift and mirthful.
The official Agatha Christie Twitter account posted:
Gary Linekar tickled Twitter with his gag “Glad they’ve brought back Footballers’ Wives. And what an opening episode”
Netflix UK and Ireland tweeted:
we're going to have to make a documentary about this, aren't we— Netflix UK & Ireland (@NetflixUK) October 9, 2019
But who should star in this documentary forward slash feature film? Liverpuddlian Jodie Comer will play Coleen, naturally.
Lea Michele of Glee could handle the role of Rebekah Vardy who is either the villain of this piece or the scapegoat, only the forensic investigator can tell us.
In the meantime Coleen Rooney has been drafted in to locate Shergar and the Loch Ness monster and is considering rival offers from film studios keen to reboot both the Agatha Christie and Nancy Drew franchises.
Dyson scraps plans to build electric car
AND so to James Dyson, head of the Dyson empire, who has announced that the company has scrapped its plan to build electric cars.
James, don’t feel bad about it, Sleb Safari has also scrapped its plan to build an electric car. It’s no biggie.
Squirrel causes car trouble
SLEB Safari’s second favourite story of late concerns a car owner in the US who noticed a burning smell coming from the engine.
Upon investigation they discovered that a squirrel had hidden some 200 walnuts under the bonnet, along with swathes of grass.
Sleb Safari feels sorry for the enterprising squirrel who will have to recommence stockpiling its winter supplies.
Stephen Fry is no fan of Strictly Come Dancing
SPARE a thought for Stephen Fry who hates this time of year.
Stephen loathes dancing and says Strictly Come Dancing is "nails on a blackboard".
"It’s an allergy. I can’t bear dancing. It makes me cringe.”
How is he coping? Strictly is on the telly on Saturday and Sunday nights and It Takes Two is on Monday to Friday so there's no escape.
Poor Stephen, it must be a challenging time.