I AM a single mum and have three children aged 12, 15 and 16. They have always been handful but over the past year or so, they have been making my life hell. It’s like a constant war zone, one conflict after another, accompanied by slammed doors, sulky moods and loud music. They ignore or disagree with everything I say, yet moan that I’m the one who doesn’t listen.
The fact is, I spend far more time tending to their needs than my parents did for me. They accuse me of being too strict and, if I ask them to do something, they complain it’s unfair. I just can’t win, nothing I say seems to make a blind bit of difference.
They also complain their friends get far more freedom than they do, though to my mind, they get far more leeway than ever I did. The youngest is proving the most difficult just now. He seems to think he can do everything that my eldest does and refuses to accept that he can’t.
I have tried to be patient, but I feel increasingly frustrated and angry towards them. I feel stressed all the time and feel it’s only a question of time before I blow my top. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits, but at times, I find it really hard to like them. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to let them do or say whatever they like. Would that be so terrible?
HA
FIONA SAYS: It might be easier for a while, but I’m sure they would soon find something else to complain or argue about. Let’s face it, rebellion is in their job description. Their bodies are undergoing major hormonal and physical changes that can create powerful emotions and behaviours. So please take some consolation from the fact that they aren’t doing this to upset you or deliberately make your life more difficult. They do it because they can’t help themselves and because they need to develop their own sense of independence as they transition into adulthood.
None of this makes it any easier to deal with of course and, were you to talk to the parents of their friends, you’d probably find they are having much the same problems as you. Like you, they probably wish they could simply give their teenagers free rein to do as they please. However, I think deep down you know it would be a mistake.
Young people need to accept that, while they may wish it, they are NOT adults and that life has to have some boundaries, if only for their own safety. They also need to learn that living with other people involves treating them with respect, as well as a willingness to do a fair share of life’s chores.
I accept that this easier said than done, especially without someone to help share the load. To assist you in this, and for the sake of your own emotional wellbeing, please consider going on line and looking at NetMums (netmums.com). This commercial website provides a forum for parents to meet on line – and perhaps in person too – with loads of advice and support available.
I’d encourage you to look at the Parenting section – particularly the bit on Teens and Tweens; it’s a comprehensive section covering teenagers, which you might find useful. You’ll certainly soon realise that you’re not alone and that other parents are going through very similar issues and concerns.
WE NEED A CHILDMINDER BUT I’M WORRIED ABOUT MY TODDLER
MY partner and I have two children; a three-year-old toddler and a 11-month-old baby. I gave up my job four years ago, but we are now struggling for money and I need to return to work, which will mean having to find a childminder.
However, I am worried about my children, as my toddler has been acting very aggressively towards his baby sister. He was never like this as a baby, but he’s turned into a demon now. If I turn my back on them for moment, he either hits her or throws something at her. Last week I caught him trying to drag her from a bouncy chair and biting her at the same time. I have told him off countless times, but he keeps doing it and if he does this while I am nearby, how on earth will a childminder cope? I am sure they won’t be anything like as attentive as I am. We desperately need the money but what can I do about my toddler?
OF
FIONA SAYS: Your son isn’t really a demon, he’s just jealous. He sees his baby sister getting attention, perhaps more than he gets, and does what he can to get it back. And in a way, it works because you then tell him off – and he gets the attention he wants. As long as this continues to happen, he has no reason to change his behaviour.
Rather than tell him off or shout each time it happens, instead, direct your attention immediately to your baby girl to spend some time reassuring her and making sure that she is ok. In time, if he sees that hurting his sister just gets her more attention, he might just stop doing it.
However, don’t neglect him completely. If possible, spend an equal amount of one-to-one time with him, it’s important he sees that he’s loved as well. Also, find ways to let him see that he gets priority attention at times. For example, make a big show of doing something for him first.
It would also be a good idea to encourage him to get involved in his sister’s care, perhaps with feeding or playing. In time, his behaviour should improve, but I know time is pressing for you, so you could consider seeing how he’d react if you were not around.
Try leaving your children with someone you trust for a while and warn them about your son’s behaviour. Ask them to observe see how he reacts. It’s possible he might behave better if he doesn’t have to compete for your time. If so, you might find it easier to consider going back to work a little sooner.
You might also find the organisation Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) helpful. Their comprehensive website makes it easier to explore subjects you’re interested in, and you will quickly be able to negotiate through it to look at advice on toddler behaviour. When it all gets too much, do call them, as they can really help you find support when you need it. There are local support groups too, which might help to point you in the direction of good childminders that might be able to help you.
MY TEENAGER WANTS TO BE BAPTISED
MY 15-year-old son says he wants to be christened. It was a complete surprise to me, because I had no idea that he had any religious convictions. He was, at first, a bit annoyed that he wasn’t christened as a child. I explained that the reason we didn’t do it was because neither his father nor I have any fixed religious beliefs and it seemed hypocritical at the time to do it. He accepts this now, but is still adamant that he wants to get it done. I realise it would be futile to try and talk him out of this (he’s stubborn like me) but he is only 15, so should I be concerned about this? Would it be better to wait until he’s an adult? And how do you go about getting christened anyway, and what’s the difference between this and a baptism?
JL
FIONA SAYS: I agree, trying to talk him out of this would really serve no purpose. He will only resent it and probably find a way to do it anyway. When young people reach a decision about a faith, they usually do so with a great deal more commitment than those who are indoctrinated from an early age. He is old enough to explore different theologies and visiting a variety of local churches would give him insights into different faiths, and perhaps what feels right to him. It would also give him the opportunity to talk about christening.
It’s important he doesn’t rush this. If you are still concerned, ask if he’d allow you to accompany him on these visits – he may welcome the support. As far as I can understand, the difference between baptism and christening is that baptism is a sacrament and christening is more often associated with the naming of a baby.
MY HUSBAND’S HEARING LOSS IS AFFECTING OUR LIVES
MY husband is 65 and going deaf. Unlike most sensible people though, he refuses to accept this and get a hearing aid of some sort. Instead, he complains that everybody “mumbles these days” and gets angry or miserable when he can’t hear what people are saying. He’s all but stopped socialising and won’t even go to the cinema. He also complains he can never hear the TV, so either puts it on so loud that neighbours complain, or he wears headphones. In short, he’s becoming a grumpy hermit and I wish I could shake him out of it.
WV
FIONA SAYS: By refusing to accept that he has a problem and seeking help, he is gradually cutting himself off from everyone around him. I’m sure he must feel isolated, so it’s no wonder he gets grumpy. Please continue to try and talk him around. Explain he is missing so much and that it upsets you seeing him so grumpy and miserable.
The sad thing is it’s unnecessary. Modern hearing aids are so much more discreet and effective than they used to be. Encourage him to get his hearing tested and make it easier for him to do this by leaving contact details around your home. He can do this through the RNID (rnid.org.uk) which offers an online hearing test, on the NHS via his doctor, or privately without referral though hearing clinics. Having a professional confirm he has a problem may give him the spur he needs to do something about it.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
