I MET and moved in with a great man about seven months ago. I love him to bits and we have a great relationship that seems to work, so much so that we are planning to get engaged soon. However, for some reason my mother has taken against him. She’s only met him a few times but each time she does, she is rude and refuses to talk with him.
I asked her shortly after they met for the first time what the problem is. She replied that it’s his attitude and the fact that he clearly doesn’t respect me. When I tried to explain that nothing could be further from the truth, she cut me short and walked away. I still go to see her regularly and have tried a few times since then to get her to talk about what is bothering her, but she just won’t listen. She either changes the subject or repeats that he doesn’t respect me. I don’t know where she’s got this from because, the fact is, he is kind, generous and respectful, so I find her attitude bizarre.
If I was a teenager or still living at home, I could perhaps accept that she is just being protective. However, I am 32 and haven’t lived at home for over 10 years. My boyfriend says to just let it go, as she will come around in the end when she sees us staying together. I’m not sure I can, as it hurts to see her treat him like this. What is her problem?
SB
FIONA SAYS: Your mother’s behaviour is odd, as is the fact that she won’t tell you what’s bothering her. It is possible that she is just being protective, but I think it’s unlikely. If this is the only thing bothering here, why can’t she tell you? After all, she is your mother, and it would be natural for her to be somewhat protective as you start a new relationship.
No, I think it more likely that she has convinced herself that your boyfriend is not good for you, but how she’s arrived at this conclusion I don’t know. It could simply be that she just doesn’t like him for some unknown reason. A gut reaction with nothing rational about it, which could explain why she’s unable to tell you exactly what’s bothering her. It’s also possible that she has heard something about him that is completely untrue, something so bad that she can’t bring herself to talk about it.
The flip side of this is the possibility that the rumour might be true, or worse, that she KNOWS it to be accurate. In this scenario she might not want to be the bearer of bad news. Whatever her reasons, if she continues to duck the issue with you, all you can do is trust your own judgment and hope that your mother does indeed eventually come around. To this I would add that it might be a good idea to speak quietly with a few trusted friends or other family members (who your mother might have spoken with) to see what they think.
You are planning to get married, so it wouldn’t hurt to get confirmation that he really is as wonderful as you think. Just take care that this man, who seems so wonderful, really is.
MY DAUGHTER’S HUSBAND BLAMES AFFAIRS ON DEPRESSION
I AM worried about my daughter’s marriage. Her husband has a high-powered job, something to do with investment, and is under huge amounts of stress most of the time. As long as I have known him, he has always visited bars after work. He says it’s to help him unwind, but I have never understood why he couldn’t just as easily have done this at home with his family after work.
To the best of my knowledge, he’s had at least two affairs in their 14-year marriage, and I suspect he’s having another one now because he often stays away from home overnight and blames it on work. Despite this, he has told my daughter that he loves his children and never wants to leave them or her, and for her part, she seems to accept all this.
Two years ago, she persuaded him to get some counselling help to deal with the stress. He was diagnosed with depression and stuck with the counselling for about three months. I can’t say it seemed to make any difference and I have no idea whether he is still taking the antidepressants his doctor prescribed. I know my daughter has spoken to him recently about his drinking and the affairs, but he says it’s the only way he can keep his depression and stress under control. And if she pushes back against this in any way, he gets angry.
I have heard him say some awful, hurtful things to her, even when the children are around. I can’t say I understand any of this and I wish there was something I could do. However, I also don’t want to take sides in case it drives them towards separating. I would hate to see the children get hurt this way. Do you think their marriage will survive?
AT
FIONA SAYS: Your concern for your grandchildren does you credit, but don’t lose sight of what this must be doing to your daughter. Her husband has been abusing her and trampling over her self-respect for years. He’s been using treatable stress and depression as excuses for some truly unacceptable behaviour. So rather than siting on the fence here, it might be more appropriate to ask your daughter why she has put up with this for so long?
Personally, I would be encouraging her to take a stand and make some demands of her own. The danger is, if she doesn’t start to assert herself a bit more, she will eventually get to see this as normal behaviour and become a complete doormat. It is possible she may even be at this stage already. None of her husband’s issues are unsolvable; if the job is too stressful, find another one; if he genuinely has stress and depression, see a doctor and get these treated.
As things stand now, he must feel he is getting all the benefits of home and children, while also being free to drink and sleep around. There is nothing acceptable about that and something needs to change, not just for your daughter but for the sake of their children as well. If this is allowed to continue, they too may grow up to think that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship. If your daughter feels unable to tackle this issue alone, please encourage to speak to a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). Readers in Scotland can contact Relationships Scotland (relationships-scotland.org.uk).
SO CONFUSED ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP
I’m 18 and I’m gay – I’ve known my boyfriend since I was 16 and he was 17. We started living together two years ago, and I’ve always thought that we were happy together, but recent events have made me wonder.
At a gay party a few months back, I got friendly with and ended up kissing another guy. I don’t know why I did this and nothing else happened, but when I got home I told my boyfriend what had happened. I suppose I just wanted to be honest and to reassure him. Although he said it didn’t matter, something has changed and got me thinking about our relationship.
For some time now, he’s been down and not going out. He seems to have lost his spark and drive, while I just want to get out there and do everything. He also hasn’t bothered to look for another job when his company closed down a few months back. Although he says everything is fine and wants us to be together, it feels wrong. I used to think that we’d be together forever but now that prospect just scares me. What’s wrong with me?
LO
FIONA SAYS: I don’t think it’s just you. I think you are both giving signals that not all is not well in this relationship. You’ve both changed and perhaps grown apart, and what once may have appeared solid now seems to have some cracks.
This not surprising because you were both quite young when you got together. If you are genuinely scared about a future with him, you owe it to yourself to make a change, even if it’s only temporary.
It may be hard, but perhaps you need to find a way to tell your boyfriend that you need some time alone to think about what’s right for you going forwards. A break would also give you the freedom to consider the things you want to do, including explore other relationships if that’s what you want.
WISH MY MOTHER WOULD MOVE IN WITH US
MY MUM lives in sheltered housing and is really happy there. She had me late in life and following in her footsteps, I am now a 42-year-old mum with a three-year-old and a four-month-old baby. I try to see her regularly but with such small children it isn’t easy.
Recently, she had Covid at the same time as my eldest got chicken pox. She’s better now but this has left me wondering if it would be a whole lot easier if she moved in with us, so I could look after them all in one place. She says she’s fine, but I feel really guilty.
RL
FIONA SAYS: Caring for young children and elderly parents at the same time is not easy. It’s a difficult balancing act and one that is becoming a problem for an increasing number of people, as our population ages and couples delay having children until later in life. Like you, they find parents needing more support at a time when their children are still quite young.
So, if your mother is confident that she can manage on her own, and the sheltered housing manager agrees, then perhaps its best to respect her decision. If your mother does eventually move to be with you, make sure you get all the support from agencies, friends, and other relatives that you can.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
