THERE’S a bloke at work I really fancy. He’s 37 and I’m 55. Age doesn’t bother me, although I’m not sure about him as we haven’t spoken about age. Anyway, I took the bull by the horns and just asked if he was single. He said yes, so we exchanged numbers and said we’d go for a drink. Since then, I’ve asked him twice when he’s taking me for coffee, but he doesn’t get back to me.
I made him a Christmas card, but he didn’t say it was nice or anything. I’ve phoned him a few times, but he doesn’t pick up (well he did but only once). When we talk at work, he is nice to me and we laugh, and I’ve made him cakes and cheesecake, which I know he likes.
Do I ask him face-to-face one more time if he’s going for a chat and drink with me? Do I write him a note expressing how much I like him, and ask him to just give it a chance to get to know each other? Or do I just try to forget him, which is hard as I’ve never fancied anyone like this before.
I split from my ex five years ago – after I got breast cancer and he went off with a someone 10 years younger than him. As a result, I was in a bad place for a while, but five years on I feel I’ve found someone I really like and would like to get to know more. I’ve never in my life asked a bloke if he’s single or asked for his number or even for a drink, so I thought it’s time to start putting me first and take the chance, not that it’s worked yet sadly.
I think deep down, I’m just chasing nothing and wasting my time, but I’m holding on to a little hope he will say yes one day and put a big smile on my face. Am I living in a fantasy world?
HS
FIONA SAYS: You’ve come a long way in five years. You’ve coped with breast cancer and all the ramifications of that. You’ve coped with separation from your former partner when you really needed him, and you’ve coped with him going off with a younger woman. You’re clearly a strong person, who can stand up for herself and hold her own in difficult situations.
This man at work is clearly polite, but I think you need to face the fact that he’s being just that and trying to avoid a difficult situation. You are making moves on a colleague, and he’s trying to avoid a difficult work situation. Hence, in the workplace, he’s responding politely, giving you his number, being nice to you, laughing and joking. Away from work though, he’s not picking up your calls and is trying to avoid commenting on anything personal – like the card you made him.
Putting you first is exactly the right thing to do after all you’ve been through. And asking someone for their number or asking them out is fine. It’s assertive and that’s a good thing. To keep doing it though – when they are trying to show they don’t want to take things further – is not such a good thing.
Having a relationship with someone at work is always tricky at the best of times. If things go wrong, it can sour working relationships not just for you but for other colleagues too. You’ve proved you’re more than capable of building a life for yourself again, so why not look outside the circle you’re currently in for new and different people? Take up new activities where you meet new people; go to different places; have a variety of experiences – they will all increase your chances of meeting people you might like.
MY MARRIAGE IS IN A RUT
AFTER 20 years of marriage, I feel as if my husband and I are stuck in a rut. We both work hard, and the long hours mean when we get in from work, we end up flopped in front of the TV, rather than talking about things as we used to.
We’ve got three lovely children, but they are all off doing their own thing these days. I thought that would mean we’d have more time with one another, but it doesn’t seem to have worked out that way.
I love my husband, but I am so bored, so how do I spark things up again? I’m sure my husband is as bored as I am really, but he might be funny if I initiated anything!
CM
FIONA SAYS: Many marriages reach a stage where the couples feel things between them are stale and unsatisfactory, often because the couple has become so used to one another that they stop trying.
It’s not really anyone’s fault, just a case of over-familiarity and a hectic lifestyle. While you may not be able to recapture the heady rapture of the early days of your relationship, it is possible to making things sparkle once more.
It does require both of you to try however, so I suggest that one night soon – not when he is watching his favourite programme though – that you turn off the TV. Tell your husband that you miss the chats you used to have together and want to just sit and talk for a while.
Start telling him what you’d like to be doing instead of sitting in front of the TV.
Suggest that you’d like to spend more time with him; that you’d like to just go to bed early and cuddle occasionally – anything that encourages him to realise you still want him.
I suggest you keep things positive and be careful not to criticise. Don’t tell him that you think the passion has gone and that you are bored, but make it clear you still find him attractive and want to enjoy his attention.
Look at the Relate (relate.org.uk) website too and the section on ‘Relationship Advice’. There’s all kinds of advice and guidance on moving forward when you feel you’re in a rut together.
SHOULD ADULTS WET THE BED?
IS IT normal for adults to still wet the bed at night? The reason I ask is because my friend, who is 20, still does so and she’s worried that it might mean something is very wrong. She last saw a doctor about it when she was 13 and was told she would eventually grow out of it – but she hasn’t.
She still wets the bed most nights and it’s ruining her life. She avoids going anywhere that involves sleeping in a different bed because she is embarrassed about what might happen. That means she hasn’t had a holiday in years.
We’ve been friends since schooldays, and I always used to wonder why she would never do sleepovers. She’s only just confided in me about it, as I’ve been trying to persuade her to come and stay with me for a few days. I’d like to help her if I could, but she’s terrified of going to a doctor in case they think she’s a freak.
LL
FIONA SAYS: Your friend really isn’t alone, and she certainly isn’t a freak. It’s estimated that as many as one in every 100 adults still ‘wet the bed’ at night, although these days most people wear incontinence pads of some kind. She certainly needn’t worry about wetting other people’s sheets.
For some, this is a temporary or intermittent problem that comes and goes, perhaps linked to an illness or stress. For others, like your friend, it may have been an on-going problem that has probably persisted for many years. She has taken a brave first step in admitting her problem to you – it takes a great deal of trust to speak up about something she obviously finds embarrassing.
These days, there are all kinds of incontinence products – including full briefs that look quite glamourous! She could always use these when she is staying away from home, so she doesn’t have to let this stop her going away from home.
If she hasn’t seen a doctor about this problem for over seven years, then it’s probably time she had another consultation. In most instances, it is caused by a pattern of behaviour that is established early in childhood, rather than an underlying physical cause. If that’s the case then in all probability, counselling could help your friend overcome it. It may take several sessions but I’m sure she can be helped.
However, the doctor may want to rule out any possibility of a physical cause too. Neither of these things means she’s a freak, just as I said before, but it could mean that there’s something which, these days, can almost certainly be corrected. I know she is embarrassed about this but do what you can to keep her positive – in almost every case, the problem can be resolved, and if not, it can be helped.
I’VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY BOYFRIEND’S MATE
MY BOYFRIEND and I were supposed to be going to Spain on holiday this summer, although because of all the Covid rules, I’m not sure it will now happen.
The problem is, he wants one of his mates, whose father has just died, to come too. My boyfriend feels sorry for him and thinks it will cheer the guy up – but he doesn’t know I had a real steamy affair for a while with this guy.
What’s more, I still really like him, and I think he likes me too as we slept together the other week when I went to see him to say how sorry I was about his dad. I didn’t mean to, it just happened.
EM
FIONA SAYS: I think this holiday stands a real risk of turning into a disaster, and you clearly don’t know which of these two men you really want to be with! What do you think your boyfriend’s reaction will be if he finds out you have slept with his friend? Not good, I’m sure, and I think you have recognised that things could easily get out of hand, which is why you are looking for a way to sort things out.
Be sure your feelings for your boyfriend’s mate aren’t really a confused way of you showing you are sorry about his dad’s death. I think the best way out of this is to be hugely supportive of your boyfriend’s idea of cheering his friend up. You could bow out of the holiday yourself and send the two of them off together, saying they’ll have far more fun as two lads together, rather than a couple with a spare man.
Be aware that, fuelled by holiday alcohol, the fact you’ve been with both of them might come out, and your boyfriend might well be very unhappy about it.
Meanwhile, take a good look at yourself so you can figure out how you really feel. It may be that neither of them is right for you.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
