I'M 16 and still live with my parents. My brother – who is 19 and left home earlier this year – and I had a really close relationship. We were more like friends than brother and sister. I'd always wondered if he was gay, but he'd never said anything to me, and I'd never seen him with a boyfriend or anything. I thought, at some point, he'd come out quietly and that would be that but, instead, he made a big dramatic announcement at a family party, and followed up by declaring his love for his partner. He even requested a love song on the local radio.
Since then, I've had to put up with all kinds of teasing from people who I thought I knew better than this. Even my boyfriend (now my ex, because of this), who I would have expected better from. He made remarks about my brother which really hurt. And now I dread going out in case people tease me.
I'm avoiding my brother because I'm so cross with him. He has called me several times, but each time I have just hung up. How could he do this to me?
IG
FIONA SAYS: When you fall in love with someone, you do tend to be excited about it and want people to know. It sounds as if your brother has kept quiet about his sexuality for a long time so, having found love, he wants everyone to know. I'm absolutely certain your brother didn't do this to hurt you and I suspect he hoped you would be pleased for him.
He's made an honest statement about his sexuality and, while you may not like the way he did it, I think you should be pleased that he's found love and is being open about it. He certainly doesn't deserve to be cut off like this. He has probably had to face negative reactions from people, if your boyfriend is anything to go by, so he may well need your approval more than you realise. So please, don't let other people's immature comments affect your feelings for him. I find it staggering that, in this day and age, people can be so bigoted and prejudiced. Ignore the people that tease you; they're not worth caring about.
When anyone makes a big pronouncement about themselves, it does affect those around them - it doesn't just have to be about their sexuality – politics and religion can polarise people too. Those who don't understand try and joke about it in order to cover their own feelings and anxieties. I suspect this is what the people who are teasing you are doing - it's a sign of their immaturity though.
You don't talk about how your parents have reacted to this and I can't help but wonder why. Are they homophobic too, or are they happy for your brother? It does seem that they haven't considered how this has affected you so, if you haven't already done so, do please talk to them. I really hope they are supportive of your brother and are able to support you, too.
You admit that you've always wondered if he was gay so, if you're honest with yourself, his coming out wasn't a big surprise for you. What was though, was the way he did it and the reaction of people around you. Whilst the split with your boyfriend might have been hard to take, do you really want to be with someone so small minded?
Please call your brother and talk this through with him. If you can't bring yourself to do this – at least send him a text and try not to hang up the next time he calls you. Finally, don't mourn the loss your boyfriend for too long. Anybody stupid enough to let something like this affect a relationship isn't worth having in the first place.
SHOULD I MAKE A COMPLAINT?
I WENT shopping with my elderly mother to help her buy a new winter coat. We went to one of the shops she likes and has used many times before and she found a coat she wanted to try on. The buttons were a bit stiff and, as I had my toddler with me, she asked the assistant to undo them for her (mum has arthritis in her hands). The assistant was really rude and said if she couldn't undo the buttons herself, there wasn't much point in her trying it on. Then she accused my mum of removing the ticket, so she could try and buy it cheaper. Mum's tough and gave as good as she got, but I know she was hurt and shaken by this. Since then, she's been reluctant to go shopping with me. Should I go back to the shop and complain? I'm not one for getting people into trouble.
PV
FIONA SAYS: You may not be one for getting people into trouble, but this assistant's behaviour was unacceptable. If it continues, it could – and may already have – affected sales figures at the shop, and the owners won't be happy about that. There may be mitigating circumstances; perhaps she was new and didn't know that your mother was a regular customer; perhaps she was simply having a bad, stressful day. Whatever the cause, though – your mother didn't deserve this sort of treatment. You could go into the shop and confront the sales assistant yourself, but you might find this embarrassing. My preferred route would be to go in and ask to speak to the manager. Explain what happened and point out that your mother has been a regular customer who has now been deeply offended and is reluctant to return. If you can't cope with doing that face-to-face, you could phone or write instead. You don't say if this was a branch of a larger chain but, if it is, and you don't get a satisfactory response, then contact the shop's head office. I would hope that they would not only apologise, but that they'd offer some kind of compensation to encourage her back. As for shopping in the future, I hope your mother can be encouraged back – perhaps you could take her into shops that you know well and where you are confident she will be welcomed.
SHOULD I LET MY BOYFRIEND TAKE PHOTOS I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT?
MY boyfriend wants to take pictures of us in bed. He says that our love life has become a bit dull and he thinks that spicing things up will help us get back some of our earlier passion. I'm not sure though, as I am worried it seems a bit perverted. When I said that, though, he told me I was overreacting and clearly not interested in saving our relationship. I can't see why he should think it was in need of saving anyway, because as far as I am concerned, we are happy, and I love him. Do you think he will leave me if I don't go through with this?
AP
FIONA SAYS: In a caring relationship, no one should pressure you to do something you are uncomfortable with. What's more, considering the problems people have had with ex-partners posting revenge pictures on social media, I'd strongly caution you against agreeing to this. Why does he think taking pictures will improve your relationship anyway? If he genuinely wants things to work between you, there are far better ways to build a relationship than by bullying someone. Some couples are quite happy to use intimate photographs as part of their love life, but it requires an enormous amount of trust on both sides. If you don't feel you can completely trust your boyfriend, or can't be sure how he'd use these photographs at some point in the future – or if you simply don't like the idea – then don't do it. If he can't or won't accept this, then he's a bully – and you're better off without him.
WHY IS MY SON LOSING HIS HAIR?
MY son is only 22 and already his hair is starting to fall out. He's very distressed by this and thinks no girl will fancy him if he's bald. I've tried reassuring him, but it hasn't helped; nor have the dozens of products and special shampoos he's tried. There is no history of baldness in our family, as far as I know, so I am wondering if there is something else wrong. He's generally fit and healthy, but he's very stressed by his high pressured job, so I'm wondering if this could be part of the problem,
AS
FIONA SAYS: Do please encourage him to check with his GP. Sustained stress can certainly create health problems, and hair loss is not uncommon under such circumstances – both for men and women. If there is no history of baldness in your family, it makes sense to rule out any medical cause first. Until he's done so, I'd also suggest he stops using products that could be making things worse.
Meanwhile, perhaps you could encourage him to look at ways of relieving stress; learning relaxation techniques, taking up yoga or Tai Chi would be good, but might not suit him. In which case, taking up a physically-active sport could help channel his stress levels. Finally, point out that, far from being a turn-off, many women find bald heads attractive.
