I REMARRIED some nine years ago, and my ex-wife and I agreed between us that we would always have a flexible relationship when it came to our children. They get on so well with my new wife and they seem to be really fond of her, which is great.
However, it seems my first wife resents this and has caused a number of scenes at family gatherings, where she has accused my present wife of trying to steal her children from her. Nothing could be further from the truth.
My daughter had a baby two years ago and, so she could return to work quickly, she asked my wife (who works from home) to look after him for two days a week. My wife was delighted to help out, but the last nine months have been absolute hell for her. She's had to put up with a barrage of phone calls from my first wife, who calls daily to accuse her of trying to drive a rift between her and her grandson.
It's made my wife so unhappy that, in the end, we had to tell my daughter we couldn't continue with the arrangement. That really upset her as it means it's no longer worth her while going out to work; it makes us feel guilty, but we don't know what else we can do.
MG
FIONA SAYS: If anyone ought to feel guilty here, it's your ex-wife. I don't know what caused the break-up of your first marriage, but it happened – and while it can take someone a while to work through a break-up, nine years is long enough.
You're not to blame for creating this current satiation, she is, and if she doesn't realise how difficult she's making life for her children then she's not being much of a mother either.
When I started reading your letter, I assumed your children were young, but it rapidly became clear that they are old enough to assert themselves. Your wife has done far more for your daughter than many stepmothers would have willingly done, and you are lucky that your children have such a good relationship with her.
Perhaps it's time that they stood up to their mother and told her that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. In fact, it's far more likely to mean they become alienated from her than anything you or your wife might be doing.
It sounds to me that your ex-wife is a very unhappy lady who hasn't ever really adjusted to the fact that you're remarried. This doesn't, though, give her and excuse to make other people suffer.
Were you in a position to suggest it, I'd say encourage her to seek counselling help in order to overcome her resentment. Under the circumstances, though, it might come better from one of your children. Relate (relate.org.uk) or a local family mediation service might be able to help, and you should find a number of these through an internet search engine.
They say that getting over a relationship can take about half as long as the relationship lasted. You don't indicate how long you were married for previously but, as you've now been remarried for nine years, if your first marriage was less than 18 years then your wife definitely needs help.
Are my children too young to be told their uncle is dying?
MY BROTHER-in-law has always been very close to my two children, who are now nine and seven. He is a wonderful uncle and they adore him. Sadly, he has terminal cancer and will probably die during the next year.
He wants to tell them that he's dying but I am very anxious about this, as I think they're too young to understand what death is about. Should we allow him to tell them or should we ask him to wait?
WM
FIONA SAYS: It may seem a harsh question, but what would you be asking him to wait for? If the doctors are correct, your children are not going to be very much older before they are faced with the very stark reality of their uncle no longer being around.
That could be very frightening for them and hard for them to adjust to. By talking to them now and helping them to prepare for his death, he will be helping them to come to terms with it.
It is going to be hard for him to explain it to them, and perhaps you should be there too when he talks to them. They are going to have questions – many of which will seem very direct and very hard and I strongly recommend you and your brother-in-law visit the Marie Curie website (mariecurie.org.uk). They have a very comprehensive section on talking to children that explains the best way to go about it. I would really encourage you to read it thoroughly.
You say they are very young to understand what death is about but if it's not explained to them in language they can understand, they can become very traumatised by it. Using words like "going to sleep" may leave them anxious about going to bed each night. Some children even end up feeling responsible. I'd encourage you to also look at the Barnardo's website (barbardos.org.uk) leaflet on child bereavement for examples and advice around this.
