MY husband and I were in our teens when we got married, and we had two of our four children before I was 20. Now we have four in total, and at 31, I'm feeling old, whereas he seems to have reverted back to his teenage years.
Our marriage has run out of steam as I don't have any energy to do anything, and he wants to start doing the things he never had the chance to do when he was younger. He goes out nearly every night, but as the kids are too young to be left alone, I'm always stuck indoors looking after them.
Even if I wanted to go with him I probably wouldn't be able to, because I've got no energy. The strain on our marriage is starting to tell and although I've I tried to get him to stay in a bit more, he says there's no point because I'm never interested anyway.
I suppose that's true because all we seem to do these days is nag each other, but I'm afraid my marriage may be on the rocks.
MP
FIONA SAYS: I think your husband is acting very unfairly, but the first thing to tackle here is your health issues. Please do make an appointment to see your doctor. While four young children are hard work and very tiring, you need to make sure there is nothing else wrong. Even something as simple as an iron deficiency can knock the stuffing out of you and mean that you're tired all of the time.
Depression also leaves you feeling exhausted and, from the way your husband seems to be behaving, that might also be a possibility. Successful marriages require work – they don't just happen. When they're in trouble both parties have to be willing to make a real effort to get things back on track.
By writing to me you've indicated you're prepared to try and resolve things, but your husband has to be as well. The fact that he says that there's no point staying in with you, because you're not interested anyway, makes him sound both angry and resentful about the way your relationship has deteriorated.
He could also be feeling rejected by you, even though your attitude towards him is simply down to the fact that you're exhausted, not because you're no longer interested. You were both very young when you got married and he might also be feeling trapped by the responsibilities of a young family. Your feelings are also probably just as mixed too.
If you could sit down and talk openly, I am sure you would see that there is a vicious circle going on that you both need to break out of. He needs to understand your problems and to give you some time away from the children. You need to be prepared to make a few adjustments and understand some of his needs; tackling your health issues is just the start.
If both of you were prepared for a bit more give-and-take, then I'm sure your marriage would stand a chance. You might be able to do this without outside help, but don't feel you have failed if you decide you need to involve a counsellor.
It sometimes takes outside help to really get the two of you talking, so contact Relate (relate.org.uk) to get a better understanding of one another's viewpoints. Don't wait any longer – either start speaking or get help to do so. The longer you leave it, the more resentment will build on both sides.
MY HUSBAND'S TEENAGE SON RESENTS ME
My husband and I have only been married for a few weeks but I can already see problems on the horizon in the shape of his teenage son. We've both been married before and, aside from his son, I have a four-year-old daughter who lives with us.
Once we're settled, the plan is to have his son stay with us every other weekend and for longer periods during the school holidays. However, the boy really doesn't seem to like me at all and looks very ill at ease whenever he visits.
I've tried talking to him but all I normally get is grunts in return. At the moment, he spends every moment of his visit with his dad and seems to resent my daughter and I having any interaction with either of them.
I'm unsure whether I should be trying to involve him in our family or just let him be with his dad – which is OK every other weekend, but the long visits will be unbearable. What should I do?
SR
FIONA SAYS: While blending families can bring their problems, I have to say your stepson doesn't sound vastly different from a lot of teenage boys. He's probably quite uncomfortable with the new arrangements and will be unsure what it's OK to talk about and what is off-limits.
For example, he won't know how you feel about his mother and whether talking about her will cause any upset. Please try not to judge him too harshly because he will almost certainly adjust given the time and space to do so.
Meanwhile, I suggest that rather than let him spend all of his time alone with his dad (which could be seen as you ignoring him), try to mix-up his visits. Give him some time alone with his father but also try to get him to engage in activities with the rest of the family too.
Continue to make him feel welcome and, if possible, let him have a private space in which he can store his belongings between visits, or where he can retreat to if he wants to be alone.
If you need any help and advice about step-parenting or about teenage boys, please contact Family Lives. The website (familylives.org.uk) has whole sections on step-parenting and on parenting teenagers, which I'm sure you'd find helpful. If you need more advice, you can always phone them for help.
SHOULD I TAKE IN LODGERS TO EASE MY LONELINESS?
Since my wife died last year I've lived alone in a very large house and while I miss her enormously, I also miss having other people around.
My children have all grown up and moved on, so I'm thinking of taking in a lodger or two. The kids think that this is a terrible idea and everyone says that I should simply sell up and move into a smaller place, but this house has so many good memories that I couldn't bear to move away.
FS
FIONA SAYS: I completely understand why you want to stay in your home and there are advantages to having someone else live in the house with you. There are, of course, disadvantages too, so please don't rush into things. Make sure you read up about it first.
Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) has a great section under 'housing' that details what you need to think about, and there's also lots of interesting stories on the internet.
Think carefully about how you'll react to having people you don't know in your house, using your rooms, furniture and items your wife may have used and loved. Rather than take a lodger, you could consider taking in a student. Language students, for example, are often only with you for a couple of weeks, which would give you a chance to see how you feel.
They also have the advantage that the school pays you and deals with any problems, so you won't have any issues with non-payments from the person living in your home. Be aware, though, that they are looking for somewhere to live, not necessarily someone to share a home with, so you may want to combat your loneliness a different way. I suggest that you look elsewhere for activities.
You could also consider getting a dog, which would provide companionship and also get you out of the house regularly, when you take it for walks.
AM I TOO OLD TO LEARN NEW SKILLS AT 41?
As a single mum with two daughters, who are now in their mid-teens, I feel it's time for me to branch out by getting some training so I can go for a better job.
My daughters are actively encouraging me to do it, but I've never had any proper training. I left school with three A-levels, so I know I am not stupid, but it's just that I rushed into marriage and kids. Am I too old to learn new skills at 41?
I've done some computer work that I really enjoyed but I don't know if I could cope with a college course alongside teenagers. Would it even be worth it or would everyone think that I was too old to employ?
JK
FIONA SAYS: A fast-moving career like IT does tend to favour younger people but computer skills are highly valued, whatever your age. You're certainly not too old to train and go to college, and I suspect you wouldn't be the oldest person there anyway, as lots of people change direction in life.
Many employers recognise that maturity and experience are valuable commodities and older staff can sometimes be more reliable than younger ones. There are many options open to you; perhaps start with your local library to see what's on offer.
You could look at evening classes or an Open University degree, but basic IT courses can be found online. You might even find an employer willing to train you while you work – look out for part-time study/part-time employment options.
You might also like to look at the Women Returners Network (womenreturners.com) for help, advice and even work opportunities. If confidence is the only thing holding you back (and I suspect it is) then just realise you have been juggling work and family on your own for years, so you're more than capable.
If you have a problem and you'd like Fiona's advice, email help@askfiona.net
