JUST over 10 years ago, my current husband and I had an affair that caused the breakup of both our previous marriages. Obviously, this wasn't without a lot of stress and hurt on both sides, but fortunately, we've since been able to rebuild relationships with our families.
His ex-wife has remarried and now accepts me as a friend, for which I'm hugely grateful. Things weren't quite as easy with my ex-husband, but he's now in a relationship again, so we cope quite amicably with issues around the children.
There are some members of my new husband's family who still seem to resent me, but his children have always been fine – which is why my problem seems so odd to me. The issue for me, is that he hasn't told his children that he and I are married.
My husband has even managed to persuade their mother to keep the secret from them – even though she's told me she doesn't understand his reasons.
What's wrong with him? Is he ashamed of me?
YF
FIONA SAYS: It may be that your husband still feels guilty about the breakup of his first marriage which, presumably, had an impact on his relationship with his children. He knows he hurt people and now he's afraid of causing them any more pain by admitting to something big in his life that they had no part in.
Presumably, when his ex-wife remarried, his children were aware and probably present at the occasion. They were able to celebrate and enjoy the fact that their mother had found happiness.
It's clear that they played no part in your marriage and your husband may be afraid that they'd be upset about that. The fact that he's trying to protect his children is no bad thing, as it shows he's a caring father, but he's doing it at your expense.
It's time he was made to realise this, so talk to him and explain how you feel. He cannot go on indefinitely feeling guilty and denying your marriage because, sooner or later, the truth will come out. If that happens, his children could be even more upset that he's kept this secret from them – they may even feel he doesn't trust them.
You mentioned that his ex-wife has told you she doesn't understand why she's being asked to keep your marriage a secret, so you obviously are able to talk openly to her. Explain to your husband that, if she has adjusted to what has happened and is happily re-married, then his children will probably have adjusted to things too.
You have been together for some time now, so presumably they know a relationship exists between you and their father? Point out to him that if the children have been able to accept their mother's remarriage, then surely they can accept their father's too.
Finally, if his problem is that your marriage took place behind their back, then perhaps consider a public renewal of vows? Your local registry office could arrange this, and you could make it into a special day of celebration involving all three families.
It would be a great way of helping to mend bridges between those that still seem to resent you, too. It's also a great way of showing all the children that it's possible to move on in life.
Caring for my elderly mother is putting a strain on me
My 82-year-old mother is no longer very mobile and is also becoming a bit vague, so I need to help her out quite a lot.
I don't begrudge her the time at all, because she's been a wonderful mum who is always prepared to help me and anyone else who needs it.
Looking after her, my family and holding down a job does become a bit of a strain at times though. We haven't been able to take a holiday in ages, as I don't feel I can leave her.
She says she'll be fine, but she needs someone around a lot, so I don't think it's really an option. I suppose I could arrange for her to go into care or something, but I really don't want to do that.
BS
FIONA SAYS: Arranging temporary care for your mother while you have a holiday really isn't a terrible thing to do at all. There are a number of specialist agencies that offer care at all levels of need, sometimes in hotel-like venues in interesting locations.
Please don't feel guilty – all carers need a break which is something that Carers UK (carersuk.org) recognise. Of course, there is an expense involved – which may or may not be difficult for you – but perhaps you could look at the options, as it could be like a holiday for your mother too.
It can't be easy for her to feel that she is dependent on you all of the time, so offering her this option might be beneficial in other ways too.
Finally, do talk to them about what else may be available for your mother, locally. There might be things she'd like to consider doing that could take some of the pressure off you.
My widowed husband still has his ex-wife's belongings
My new husband's first wife died 18 months ago. It sounds like he's rushed into a new relationship, but she'd been in residential care a very long time before she died.
I'd just come out of a long-term relationship and although neither of us expected to get involved quite so quickly, now that it has happened, I'm very happy – and I think he is, too.
We've decided to live together and he's said I must think of his house as my home, but there are photographs and pictures of his first wife all over the place.
Of course, I don't expect him to forget about her, but what's even more difficult is that there are still some of her clothes in the cupboards and her jewellery in the main bedroom. It doesn't seem to bother him but I find it hard.
The last thing I want to do is spoil our happiness, so should I tell him how I feel or just put up with things as they are?
BL
FIONA SAYS: While I do think it's important not to rush things, I can understand how hard this is for you. I rather suspect your husband doesn't even notice these things, and the pictures and photos will probably get replaced in time as you gather your own mementoes.
His wife's clothing and jewellery is another matter, and I think you'll have to talk to him about those. Ask him if it's OK to move her things into another room and, if he doesn't object, ask him if there's any reason why he's keeping them.
If he does object, then explain to him that having his previous wife's clothing and jewellery alongside your own makes you feel uncomfortable. If he loves you (and you do this gently), I'm sure he'll understand and either dispose of her things himself, or at least pack them away.
Hopefully, when they're out of sight, they won't bother you as much. If he hasn't got rid of things in another year though, I think you may have to be a bit more forceful.
My husband doesn't believe that our son is his
My partner and I have been together for over 20 years, but our relationship is on the rocks because he has started to doubt that our son (who was conceived just after we met) may not be his child. There is a very small chance he's right as I was with someone else when we met, who I left to be with my current partner.
Our relationship is crumbling around me and nothing I do seems to make any difference. It's as though we're becoming strangers and the longer this goes on, the worse things seem to get.
Our son doesn't know there is even a chance his dad isn't his dad and I dread to think how this will affect him. My partner says he wants to get a paternity test, but what on earth will happen if it turns out he is not the father?
RH
FIONA SAYS: There's more to being a parent than being involved with the conception and for the the last 20 years or so, your partner has been a father to your son.
Before taking such a test he needs to consider how he'll feel about the results. Will he suddenly stop caring for the young man he's loved for so long?
Your son will need to provide a test sample too – so this will almost certainly alert him to the possibility his dad is doubting his parentage. This could irrevocably damage their relationship and, whilst your partner is striking out at you, does he really want to strike out at his son as well?
If you can talk to him, explain that, whatever the outcome of the tests, his son will be hurt. The bottom line is: What difference will it really make to your relationship?
This will stand or fall, not on the results of a blood test, but on whether you are both prepared to work at resolving the long-standing issues between you.
It sounds like you need professional help to resolve these, so please contact Relate (relate.org.uk) and arrange to see a counsellor. Your relationship may or may not survive this process, but at least your son will not be hurt unnecessarily.
If you have a problem and you'd like Fiona's advice, email help@askfiona.net
