Sleb Safari: David McIntosh's new ITV2 show Bromans looks hideous but it beats driving a van full of dead badgers for a living
IT’S been a few years since we’ve heard from everyone’s favourite driver of Transit vans full of dead badgers, David McIntosh.
You might remember David crashing that Transit van into a bus stop (accidents happen), or you might remember him as Kelly Brook’s fourth, or perhaps fifth, fiancé or for having thighs that would look at home hanging on a hook at the back of a butcher’s shop.
Indeed you might even recall him described (by himself) as being one of a group of former Royal Marine commandos “who escaped from an African despot's henchmen after a gun battle at sea”. No? Only the dead badgers ring a bell? Pity.
Either way it’s a welcome relief to see David return to the spotlight in the new ITV2 show Bromans in which eight men ‘train as gladiators’ in fake ancient Rome. Paging Mary Beard.
David McIntosh will train the hopefuls for events such as chariot pulls and wrestling as they compete for a place in the grand finale which will be held in a [cardboard] colosseum where they'll be chased by a denture-wearing retired circus lion.
They will be cheered on throughout by their girlfriends who for reasons still unexplained are wearing bikinis in the promotional pictures.
The winner will limp away with £10,000 after a light spanking from the lion who is travelling to Rome on his free bus pass.
“It's an amalgamation of all the best shows in one,” David told the Daily Mail.
Sleb Safari begs to differ. Unless it’s a mash up of 30 Rock, Will & Grace, ER and Magnum PI it is definitely nothing of the sort David.
David says he’s ready to show the world his skillz.
'I've got a good jawline and a good set of abs but I don't want to use them anymore.” Settle down David.
“I want to use my words, use my history and my knowledge and be able to pass it on to other people, so be more of a commanding figure rather than just be a piece of eye candy. That's not me.”
Our gladiator trainer also touched on his relationship with Kelly Brook, saying “I've been tarnished and not in a good light sometimes.”
Tarnished? Mate, if it wasn’t for Kelly Brook you’d still be driving dead badgers for a living.
He added: “I don't need anyone else to tell me what I can do. This just helps me deliver my message. I don't care about what people say or think I've done.
“I care about how people develop. I care about giving a message to people who need a message.”
Absolutely David, you deliver that message and don’t let anyone stand in your way. If they try simply cry “Release the lion” and scarper.
Bromans starts on Thursday on ITV2. Be sure to catch it because a second series looks unlikely.
Joan Collins on undressing at work
DAME Joan Collins has spilled the beans on a particularly unpleasant love scene with George Peppard.
Dame Joan, who once lamented about the state of supermarket Britain after a bruising encounter at the cheese counter, says she hates "embarrassing" love scenes at the best of times.
The 84-year-old doyen told The Jonathan Ross Show all about her discomfort.
"I was reading about Judi Dench, who says that she likes love scenes. I hate them. I've always hated them.
"They're embarrassing, and you have to be careful that your nose doesn't get in the way, that your lipstick doesn't get on the man's white shirt, that he doesn't squash your boobs.
"I had to do one love scene with an actor that I really disliked, and he really disliked me, and it was a nude scene, and it was not nice."
It didn't take much prompting for Joan to divulge his name. It was George Peppard in the film The Executioner.
Having to undress in front of someone you dislike at work sounds hideous. Remember that next time you're having a bad day at the office.
Madonna has moved to Portugal
QUEEN Madge has moved to Portugal to allow one of her son’s to attend a prestigious soccer school but it hasn’t been plain sailing.
Despite having one of the most recognisable names and faces in the world Madonna is finding it tricky convincing customs who she is.
She posted a picture on Instagram with the caption “When you’ve been arguing with customs all week that you really are Madonna and they still won’t release your package!”
Sleb Safari loves the thought of Madonna standing in line with everyone else at her local office, finally getting to the front and trying to make herself understood through the security glass.
Madge, she's just like the rest of us really.
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