I'LL scratch your back and… you'll turn yours on me?
I'll pat you on the back – and you'll…only respond, angrily, on the rare occasions when I question or criticise you.
Welcome to the world of the print sports journalist in 2022.
The recent lack of post-match interviews in inter-county GAA, a protest aimed at the TV audience to highlight the row over players' expenses, has obviously had an impact on other media outlets too.
Even when the Gaelic Players Association clarified that the 'media ban' was only directed at television many players and managers have still used it as an excuse not to talk.
That's fine. We still live in a democracy of sorts, even in the six counties under the corrupt control of Boris Johnson and his cronies.
I've always respected the right of players and managers not to talk to me, my colleagues, or anyone in the media. I'm always appreciate of anyone sparing their time to help me.
Most people, especially players and managers, lead busy lives. Having said that, finding five, 10, or 15 minutes shouldn't be that hard. Obviously all those minutes can mount up if interviews have to be done with various media outlets, which is why the advent of Zoom/ Microsoft Teams interviews have been such a boon.
They've saved on time and money (in terms of fuel costs and venue heating) for everyone.
In any case, if you don't want to do an interview just say so. Just say 'no'. You can be more polite than that, but I'd rather have a stark 'no' than be strung along and have my time wasted by someone pretending that they're prepared to do an interview and then avoiding me.
Why not be a grown-up and say you don't want to do an interview?
I'm still waiting for an apology from the player who agreed to do an in-person interview and then let me down.
I drove for 45 minutes only to arrive and find a message saying that he had to re-schedule due to a work commitment. Fair enough – although a 'phone call would have prevented me having to drive all that way.
I offered to wait around and do the interview later that day; he suggested a telephone interview, to which I readily agreed.
I still haven't heard a word from him.
Funnily enough, a few days later the same player did a highly-paid sponsors' event.
A couple of weeks ago I messaged some ladies footballers, politely requesting to speak to them. No reply.
This from a sport which complains about not getting equal treatment.
Manners cost nothing – unlike fuel, and time. And newsprint (the paper you may be holding now).
At the risk of sounding like Father Ted clutching the 'Golden Cleric' Award, players and managers would do well to remember this: newspapers have long supported the GAA, publicising their events, printing their sponsors' pics, praising their achievements.
Talking to TV, radio, or doing podcast may be 'sexier', more glamorous – but how much exposure do those outlets actually give to your club or county?
The absence of such co-operation can bite back.
A few years ago an Ulster county instigated a trumped-up media ban over a perceived slight.
Even when that had supposedly been smoothed over they still didn't talk.
Until, that is, they progressed further in the Championship than anyone had expected them to (including themselves).
Then they approached this paper seeking to run a competition to win one of their jerseys, with the aim of getting publicity for their sponsors.
However, their previous stubbornness was matched by my own. Overseeing the sports department at that time as the then boss was off sick, I had instigated a policy of only using old pictures of that county's players, with previous sponsors on their jerseys.
The competition did not run on these pages.
Two can play that petty little game.
Since then, access to players and managers has got even harder, in an increasingly crowded and competitive marketplace.
Counties are putting more and more content on their own websites and social media.
Thankfully, plenty of people still prefer impartial (or reasonably impartial) opinions about the players and games rather than pronouncements from the GAA equivalents of Pravda.
Thankfully, there are also lots of affable, accommodating, intelligent, pleasant players and managers who appreciate the benefits of publicity and/ or enjoy the limelight.
There's no doubt that the media does need co-operation from clubs and counties, but that has always been a two-way street. So is respect.
Fortunately for the GAA there's no summer soccer World Cup competing for attention.
Even so, the Association needs to collectively consider the value of free publicity – before it's lost.
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AT the turn of the year, I thought about the best combined team from the three (at that time) title-chasers – champions Manchester City, European champions Chelsea, and Liverpool.
The only Chelsea player who made my cut then was N'Golo Kante; he still might, such is his all-round midfield ability.
Yet ahead of the crunch clash between City and the Reds this Sunday, here's my choice:
Alisson Becker;
Trent Alexander-Armold, Virgil van Dijk, Ruben Dias, Joao Cancelo;
Kevin de Bruyne, Fabinho, Bernardo Silva;
Mo Salah, Diogo Jota, Phil Foden.
There's debate from the start, with City 'keeper Ederson rightly having many admirers, although I believe he's over-praised for his passing given how rarely he is challenged or closed down. Besides, there's no keeper better one-on-one than his Brazilian compatriot Alisson.
There are a few 'certs' in there, but it was hard to exclude the likes of Joel Matip, Andy Robertson, and Riyad Mahrez.
The alternative XI, also drawn from just Liverpool and Manchester City, is pretty special too:
Ederson;
Kyle Walker, Joel Matip, Aymeric Laporte, Andy Robertson;
Jordan Henderson, Rodri, Thiago Alcantara;
Riyad Mahrez, Sadio Mane, Raheem Sterling.
That still leaves out John Stones, Oleksandr Zinchenko, Ilkay Gundogan, Jack Grealish, Gabriel Jesus, Ibrahima Konate, Naby Keita, Bobby Firmino, and Luis Diaz.
The depth of talent at those two clubs, the best in England for four seasons now – and beyond as regards City – indicates the challenge facing the next permanent manager in charge of both those outfit's greatest rivals, Manchester United.
Which Red Devils would get into either of the top two teams?
Bruno Fernandes is a fabulous footballer, but he wouldn't fit the systems.
Cristiano Ronaldo? Maybe for the last 15-20 minutes when defences are tired.
Jadon Sancho is delivering more on his promise, but still has much room for improvement.
Paul Pogba? Too lazy, too inconsistent.
Barcelona have shown that the right manager can have a very positive effect at a huge club, but Manchester United must appoint – and acquire – very wisely this summer.
