Opinion

William Scholes: DUP hitting the back of the Brexit net with sea border OGs

William Scholes

William Scholes

William has worked at The Irish News since 2002. His areas of interest include religion and motoring.

Training sessions for Team DUP have taken on an extra intensity since it scored a flurry of own goals with the Brexit sea border. Picture by Mark Marlow
Training sessions for Team DUP have taken on an extra intensity since it scored a flurry of own goals with the Brexit sea border. Picture by Mark Marlow Training sessions for Team DUP have taken on an extra intensity since it scored a flurry of own goals with the Brexit sea border. Picture by Mark Marlow

THINKING about own goals recently, I was reminded of the Belgian footballer Stan van den Buys.

Hardly a household name, you won't find Stan in the pantheon of the sport's all-time greats alongside George Best, Johan Cruyff, Paolo Maldini, Diego Maradona, Pelé and (insert the name of whoever else you believe should be there).

That's mainly because Stan wasn't very good. Or at least he wasn't very good at the things great footballers are judged by. So why is he remembered today?

Even if you know next to nothing about football, you will understand that the fundamental aim of the game is to protect your own goal and to score more than your opponent.

Stan, on the other hand, took a different approach. He holds the record for scoring the most own goals in a single match, and his hat-trick against his Germinal Ekeren team-mates in Belgium's Jupiler League remains unsurpassed more than a quarter of a century later.

The heroic pathos of the feat seems magnified by the fact that there is a minor dispute over whether Stan was indeed responsible for the monumental third goal.

It has to be acknowledged that a tremendous sense of schadenfreude wells up whenever an opponent scores an OG; in the rich tapestry of the game there are few sights more majestic than a defender's bullet header whizzing past his own goalkeeper or the comedy defensive muddle that ends with the ball trickling over the line.

Own goals also exist in the political arena, as we know only too well in this part of the world.

In recent weeks the DUP has emphatically consolidated its lead in the NI Fantasy OG League with its Brexit sea border performances, peppering the goal of the Union with a series of flamboyant tiki-taka-style attacks.

Team DUP's game plan ought to be one of defending the Union and mounting goalscoring sorties against those who would seek to undermine the integrity of the United Kingdom.

However, while it still proudly wears the pro-Union jersey, the DUP's abysmal on-field decision-making has resulted in a series of disastrous own goals.

Things aren't helped by the sense that when placed under pressure, it tends to become a collection of individuals, akin to the warm-up acts at an amateur circus, rather than a cohesive team.

Traditionally strong on the right wing, some DUP players, including Gregory Campbell, have flirted with crossing the line on that side of the pitch.

Well-travelled showman Ian Paisley - more a messer than a Messi - continues to volley disruption.

Sammy 'Chopper' Wilson and Edwin 'Bites Yer Legs' Poots have had headline-grabbing performances too.

Meanwhile, beleaguered manager Arlene Foster has attempted a change of tactics with a five-point plan.

This seems to have no point, other than to distract its own supporters from the fact that the sea border is the DUP's fault.

Well-travelled showman Ian Paisley - more a messer than a Messi - continues to volley disruption. Beleaguered manager Arlene Foster has attempted a change of tactics with a five-point plan to distract its own supporters from the fact that the sea border is the DUP's fault

The 'plan' is not so much a revolution in the mould of the vibrant Oranje's Total Football as a revival of faded orange Total Nonsense.

Fundamentally, the DUP looked at Theresa May and decided she couldn't be trusted to deliver genuine Brexit.

Instead - and this could serve as the DUP's epitaph - it preferred to trust Boris Johnson. Imagine, for a moment, having a choice and still choosing to trust Boris Johnson.

While colourful stories about Mr Johnson are abundant, very few of them, particularly from former editors and partners, pertain to his trustworthiness and fidelity.

'Yes, trust me - I'll never put a border down the Irish Sea...'

One could ask who would be stupid enough to entrust Mr Johnson and the ensemble of - for the most part - mediocrities in this present Conservative government with the fate of that which is the guiding light of your entire political philosophy.

It's not a hard question to answer. It's there on the team sheet every time the DUP come out to play.