Opinion

Anita Robinson: Friendship is a generous gift that can be withdrawn if not reciprocated

Friendship is a precious gift that needs to be nurtured
Friendship is a precious gift that needs to be nurtured Friendship is a precious gift that needs to be nurtured

Mourn with me the demise of my address and telephone book. A thing of shreds and tatters, bandaged with yellowed Sellotape, it has finally fallen apart.

Actually, it’s been in bits for ages – spine broken, back and front covers detached and the little tabs that indicate alphabetical order missing or long obliterated with frequent handling. Now, it’s just a chaotic collection of random pages, all in the wrong order. I bought a snazzy new one – oh, maybe four years ago, but never got round to transferring the names, addresses and numbers, always postponing the shining hour I would copy them in using my best italic script. Yes, I KNOW everybody but me stores such information now in their mobile phones. Like the lilies of the field, I scroll not, neither do I text. I prefer things reassuringly retrievable in black and white on paper.

Transferring details to the new book turns out to be a lengthy and rather melancholy exercise – and I’m only as far as the ‘Mc’s’. The ragged old thing was a compendium of family, friendships, professional and social contacts, a record and reflection of every aspect of life from my twenties onwards. The task is provoking a multitude of emotions – memories, happy, sad, sometimes regretful and a host of names of tenuous and brief connections long forgotten.

Regrettably, I’m culling as I go, since anno domini has claimed most of my elderly relations and an embarrassing number of people I’ve guiltily lost touch with. That’s the thing you see – friendships fluctuate. ‘Best Friends Forever’ at ten years old rarely make it to twenty. Life’s a series of phases – school, college, work, hobbies, travel, marriage, re-location, that carry us forward, discarding the old, forging the new. Some have the fortunate knack of sustaining lifelong relationships. Others, as they acquire new friends, make the mistake of neglecting the old, though it’s an unfortunate truism that developmentally, we grow away from associations that once fulfilled all our friendship needs.

People drift into or out of one’s orbit depending on geography, circumstances, shared interests and personal empathy.

Some stand the test of time, others dwindle through neglect on the part of one or other party. Friendship must be nourished or it dies. Like a garden, it needs cultivating and frequent tending. Proximity is important, though frequent communication, even at a distance, can sustain it. It’s when one party makes all the effort and the other doesn’t that the relationship founders. Sometimes it’s simply ‘out of sight, out of mind’. In a modern much more mobile and fast-paced society we’re busy, busy, busy – with little time for each other.

Female friendship is a precious and unique commodity. A female friend is a sister in all but blood – and usually easier to get on with. Women are wonderful friends, resourceful, sympathetic, empathetic and supportive. They rally like a formidable praetorian guard in times of trouble or crisis, swooping in and taking over, organising and bossing people about, boosting one’s spirits with practical help and comfort with home-made cake. They exude a brisk kindness, offer a patient ear and don’t pass judgment until the dust settles.

If you’re lucky, there’s also the ‘critical friend’ who doesn’t let you lose the run of yourself, who grounds you with sweet reason and cold common sense when you work yourself into a state where you’d kill dead things and tells you to catch yourself on, keep a sense of proportion and stop making mountains out of molehills. This is a risky and thankless task, but a necessary one.

I have no such insight into male friendships, or what makes them tick. All I know is that the late Loving Spouse’s friends and workmates look after my car, my electrics and any other domestic gubbins that requires a man who knows what he’s doing, because of their affection and respect for him.

We sometimes forget that friendship is a generous gift that can be withdrawn if not reciprocated. Covid has turned us in upon ourselves. To all the friends I’ve neglected or lost touch with, my guilty and belated apologies. It’s my loss, not yours….