LAST Saturday was a big day in our house. We no longer count the age of our daughter in months, she is a full two years old. This feels like a momentous milestone.
She's walking, talking, screams when anyone tries to brush her hair, is flat out looking after her dolls and loves the 'big bad mouse' from The Gruffalo - and Paddington. We love him too.
Like every other parent, there are times when it feels like she was born yesterday, there are other times when it feels much longer. A global pandemic and numerous lockdowns may have contributed to that feeling.
Every day is a juggle, some can be a struggle, but we get there somehow. The giggles, smiles and the privilege of watching a little person discover the world makes it all worth it.
Where I used to have style crushes and consider what I wore to work each day, I now congratulate myself for getting dressed at all in the morning. It is a rare day where I manage to get my hair dried and apply make-up before leaving the house.
I now have parenting crushes and find myself in constant in awe of parents who make it look so easy. Who knows what their reality is, but the Instagram life looks good.
Well, I suppose it looks good to a point. Just like my reality, there is a balance to strike when it comes to social media depictions of life.
It is difficult to ignore the pressure to be the 'perfect parent' - whatever that is. From birth, new parents are expected to know exactly what to do in every situation, and can be overwhelmed with advice. The advice comes at you from all quarters, and while well intentioned, is most often unsolicited.
I have only recently started to talk about the physical birth of my daughter, and two years later, it's only now that I realise how traumatic it was. The birth alone requires significant recovery time, never mind the steep learning curve that comes after that with a little human who completely depends on you for everything.
I recently spoke to Dr Zoe Williamson about first time parenting for my radio show (Monday to Thursday at 3pm on BBC Radio Ulster...).
She told me that a very high percentage of new parents are reluctant to ask for help in the early days for fear they might be judged by others as failing in some way. Most people do it. I have done it. I still do it sometimes for fear of being perceived as weak.
I don't know why I do this but have now promised to try to stop this cycle and acknowledge that it is OK to admit that there are days when you don't have a clue about what you're doing, and ask for help.
I am a working mother, and Mummy guilt is ever present. Not a day goes by that I don't feel guilty for not having done something or other. I have tried to accept that this guilty feeling is and will be big part of my life as a parent - just as big as exhaustion and the sense that I am forever chasing my tail.
Time. There is never enough of it. What on earth did I do with it when I had so much of it. I used to have the time to do absolutely nothing if that's what I felt like: a day on the sofa, ordering pizza, watching a whole series on Netflix...
There is not a chance that I would spend a free day like that now. I'll not deny that I have had the odd day here and there where I wished for my single life back - just for one day. And then she looks up in to my face and melts me by saying something funny or cute or both.
It is incredible just how much this little person has taught me about myself. I have re-engaged with parts of life I had completely forgotten about - nature, songs, telling stories, dancing, acting the eejit.
My experience so far is that being a parent is hugely fulfilling, but it is a challenging role and non-stop. Next stop on the rollercoaster is potty training (can't wait), and the terrible twos are well underway.
So far, I'm just muddling through, and that's good enough for me.
