The New York Times has had thousands of responses from sarcastic Brits after putting out an appeal for people who have experienced a petty crime in London.
The heavy weight of social interactions with other Londoners was a regular feature of the replies, with @olibradley responding: “I asked someone how they were and they actually told me.”
“Someone held the door open for me when I was still ten feet away and then I had to run and pretend I was grateful. I was sweaty and fuming,” @harriet1marsden wrote.
Someone held the door open for me when I was still ten feet away and then I had to run and pretend I was grateful. I was sweaty and fuming
— Harriet Marsden (@harriet1marsden) December 13, 2018
“I said ‘after you’ to a woman entering a cafe and instead of saying ‘no no please, my good lady I insist, after YOU’ she went in, ordered exactly what I was going to order for lunch, and got the last one,” wrote Twitter user @ericabuist.
“I almost tutted but I am not an animal,” she said.
All very funny but this is serious: I said “after you” to a woman entering a cafe and instead of saying “no no please, my good lady I insist, after YOU” she went in, ordered exactly what I was going to order for lunch, and got the last one. I almost tutted but I am not an animal.
— Erica Buist (@ericabuist) December 13, 2018
The unspoken laws of using the London underground featured highly in the replies as well.
“Someone made eye contact with me on the tube once. The culprit is still at large, despite a massive police operation,” wrote @ralasdair.
Someone made eye contact with me on the tube once. The culprit is still at large, despite a massive police operation.
— Alasdair (@ralasdair) December 13, 2018
“Once on the Northern Line in Clapham a small group of people spontaneously sung a christmas song – council and police failed to issue ASBOs to any offenders,” replied an aghast @SamANutt.
once on the Northern Line in Clapham a small group of people spontaneously sung a christmas song – council and police failed to issue ASBOs to any offenders
— Sam Nutt (@SamANutt) December 13, 2018
And @chazpLDN tweeted: “A charlatan didn’t have his Oyster card ready this morning before getting to the front of the underground queue. Audible tutting ensued.”
A charlatan didn’t have his Oyster card ready this morning before getting to the front of the underground queue. Audible tutting ensued.
— Charles (@chazpLDN) December 13, 2018
The expense of living in the UK capital came up again and again as something which should be made illegal.
“My landlord charges us £2,000 a month in rent and a lady from the council just told me my bedroom is too small to be legally occupied,” tweeted @indiablock.
my landlord charges us £2,000 a month in rent and a lady from the council just told me my bedroom is too small to be legally occupied
— India (@indiablock) December 13, 2018
And @GarethAOwen1 wrote simply: “£6 for a pint. Daylight robbery!”
£6 for a pint. Daylight robbery!
— Gareth Owen (@GarethAOwen1) December 13, 2018
Meanwhile, @eapbee said: “The Rivoli Bar in the Ritz charged me £90 for a Negroni. Incredible scenes.”
The Rivoli Bar in the Ritz charged me £90 for a Negroni. Incredible scenes.
— Ed (@eapbee) December 13, 2018
Then there were a suspicious number of “crimes” which mirrored fictional events.
“A woman with a flying umbrella and her grubby friend accosted me and tried to shove me into a floor painting,” wrote @juliamcfarlane.
A woman with a flying umbrella and her grubby friend accosted me and tried to shove me into a floor painting
— Julia Macfarlane (@juliamacfarlane) December 13, 2018
“I was once pickpocketed by an old man and his gang of orphan children,” replied @hansmollman.
I was once pickpocketed by an old man and his gang of orphan children
— Mollie Goodfellow 🤶🏻 (@hansmollman) December 13, 2018
Naturally, there were crimes against the ritual of tea-making.
“Ordered a tea and they put the milk in first,” lamented @JimMFelton.
Ordered a tea and they put the milk in first
— James Felton (@JimMFelton) December 13, 2018
“I once was given Darjeeling when I had clearly asked for Earl Grey,” @Jackieleonard1 replied.
I once was given Darjeeling when I had clearly asked for Earl Grey.
— Jackie Leonard (@JackieLeonard01) December 13, 2018
Noting the enduring importance of queues to Brits, @Peta_Moxon tweeted: “When I worked in London someone pushed in front of me in a queue.”
When I worked in London someone pushed in front of me in a queue.
— Rabbitlady (@Peta_Moxon) December 13, 2018
And @jimxant pointed out that London’s wildlife aren’t exempt from criminal activity.
“I once saw a pigeon nick a mayonnaise sachet from an old couple on a park bench,” he reported.
I once saw a pigeon nick a mayonnaise sachet from an old couple on a park bench
— Jingle Bells, Brexit Smells (@jimxant) December 13, 2018
Neither the New York Times nor the journalist who made the appeal have responded to the overwhelming number of case studies they have received.
How many make it into the final report remains to be seen.