Football match reports normally follow a pretty standard template – a few paragraphs telling you the key moments and the goalscorers, followed by a more detailed account of the game.
But not this one. The match report on Kingstonian’s website for their match against Leatherhead was highly unusual, taking the form of a pub conversation between two fans after the game.
Leatherhead match reporthttps://t.co/yrkq5D4Cqn
— Kingstonian FC (@KingstonianFC) January 15, 2017
It starts like this: “Oi oi, Gaz. Where you been? It’s 6pm on a Saturday night and you’ve only just got here. You’re normally 3 jaegerbombs down by now…”
“Been at the Grove watching Ks ain’t I, Phil.”
“Ks? That’s not normally you’re scene, you’re more of a Streatham Rovers guy.”
“I wasn’t there for Ks, mate. That legend Jimmy Bullard is Leatherhead’s manager. I just went for a taste of that sweet Bullard banter.”
And it goes on very much in that fashion.
“Kingstonian had this wannabe-Bullard in midfield; you know – long hair, plays with a smile, Lewis Taylor he’s called; he put a free kick right in the postage stamp early doors and it put a bit of a downer on the whole things.”
“Top bins? Tekkers!”
There’s a whole section inspired by this Stewart Lee routine about Only Fools And Horses, references to a night out in Chasers and repeated use of the word “scenes”.
You basically have to read the whole thing to understand it. And even then, you may not.
The reaction seems to have been a mixture of baffled and impressed.
Marvellous, if surreal, match report from Kingstonian. https://t.co/IQPddvqcav
— Paul Carter (@paulcarterTV) January 16, 2017
@KingstonianFC can I say this is the most bizarre Ks match report ever #COYKs
— KsOllieU (@Ollie_Underwood) January 15, 2017
@KingstonianFC Superb work.
— James Coatsworth (@j_coatsworth) January 16, 2017
Sports reporters of the world: it’s time to up your game.
