CRYSTALS are supposed to heal, not harm, but what happens when one goes rogue?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that celebrities love crystals. Find a celebrity and you’ll find a crystal deep in their pocket where loose change should be.
Heidi Montag gave birth surrounded by $27,000 worth of them, Miranda Kerr keeps one in her handbag and one in her bra at all times and Kate Hudson once advised her Instagram followers to rest their pot of moisturiser on top of crystals “to add a little extra energy”.
For many a year now Sleb Safari’s favourite crystal botherer has been Heidi’s husband Spencer Pratt who is a huge fan of crystals; huge. He has his own range - Pratt Daddy Crystals - and has spoken *clears throat* at great length about his fascination.
“I am so addicted to crystals, it’s like a sickness. I’ve spent $500,000 on crystals this year,” he explained in 2010 to Life and Style.
“I checked my bank account last night, and I have $203 left… [On Valentine’s Day] we hung out with our puppies and cuddled with our crystal. It’s supposed to bring love. There’s a whole science to this — I’m not crazy”, he said, sounding…
Six years later Spencer explained to Entertainment Weekly that he had gone on a very deep dive.
“I spent thousands of dollars having a wizard coach,” was his opening gambit, before elaborating: “Being a wizard, it’s pretty heavy. Going around with a [rutilated quartz] wand, and people start looking at you weird when you’re wanding your coffee in the morning and whatever…
“Now I just love to look at them, because I’ve moved past them having powers. If they had powers, I would be Kim Kardashian right now and not Spencer.”
Nothing screams LA like wanding one’s coffee in the morning.
Spencer, Heidi, Miranda and Kate have all had healing, energy packed, experiences with crystals but Demi Lovato’s crystal stitched her up.
Demi has a one-metre high amethyst at home, with “pieces that are sharp” and accidents do happen. The night after this particular accident happened Demi was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel and explained: “...I went to bend down to pick something up and I didn’t see the amethyst, and I hit my head, and I had to get three stitches last night in my face.”
You know what will help you heal Demi? A lovely new crystal. Spencer Pratt can sort one out for you once he’s finished wanding his coffee.
Bake Off and Prince Andrew to become musicals
Sleb Safari is a huge fan of musical theatre and its ability to lift you up to soaring heights with a key change. It very much admires the can-do attitude of the women and men who write musicals but does wonder if they are a community who like to lob dares back and forth in their WhatsApp group.
How else do you explain (a) Great British Bake Off: The Musical? Sleb Safari isn’t being critical of the subject matter, far from it. Who wouldn’t want to hear a song about soggy bottoms?
And (b) Prince Andrew: The Musical? which Channel 4 is describing as a “satirical send-up of the life and times of the duke, set to a musical score”.
Bravo, brava, musical theatre community!
Jennifer Lopez and those three stunning wedding dresses
Bennifer got married, again, but this time it wasn’t in Vegas, it wasn’t after midnight and there were guests aplenty.
Jennifer Lopez wore three wedding dresses because why not and they were, in strict order, beautiful, beautiful and beautiful.
All were Ralph Lauren. The first was a turtleneck column with a skirt of ruffles made from 1,000 handkerchiefs and 500 metres of fabric and attached by hand.
The second was a chandelier-pearl dress and the third had a keyhole design and she wore an organza hood. Exquisite from start to finish.
Social Media Smut
I go past this church almost every day and can’t help but be inspired by the underlying powerful message. pic.twitter.com/xhZva2N2Xe
— Nick Mohammed (@nickmohammed) May 8, 2022
