Gemma Collins threw a platty joobs jolly

The Queen of Essex, Gemma Collins. Picture from Instagram 
Maeve Connolly

The Queen (of Essex) had a huge party last week to celebrate the platinum jubilee of the other queen.

Best believe that Gemma Collins, the GC, the very woman whose face plant on the Dancing on Ice ice got a mention in the Wagatha trial, whose mum met an alien on the train and who once fell through a trap door while announcing the winner at an awards ceremony wasn’t going to do things by half.

The Noble peace prize nominee popped on to Instagram early last Thursday morning to explain that she had pulled the party together at the last minute and had barely slept a wink in two days. 

"Good morning my loyal subjects, royal subjects... I'm not sure how it goes,” she greeted her 2.2 million Instagram followers.

"There is a huge party at the GC residence today. I am so patriotic, I love the Queen, and I'm going to do her proud today.”

Her majesty thanks you Gemma. 

"I've hardly slept for two days, I've pulled this party together at [the] last minute. But it is all coming together, it's going to be amazing.

"Happy Jubilee honeys."

 A jubilee doughnut. Picture from Gemma Collins on Instagram

Next, Gemma tried to flog some beauty products, and then she got back to the grand tour of the GC residence and gardens where there was a stage, team of pizza makers, BBQ team, staffed cocktail bar, ice cream, candy floss, sweets and popcorn stands, trestle tables heaving with more food, several bouncy castles and enough garden furniture to fill a warehouse. 

"This is where the entertainment is going to be today, we've got Phil singing, we've got a DJ - it's all coming together,” Gemma said, but without clearing up whether it was Phil Collins.

Having viewed all her Instagram footage Sleb Safari can say, without fear of contradiction, that Gemma invested heavily in balloons for this platty joobs jolly. The rule of thumb for the balloon blower upper was ‘if it’s stationary stick some balloons on it’, and that’s how her horse sculpture (which looks like fibreglass but we’ll move on swiftly) ended up festooned in hundreds of balloons in every shade of purple. The British Army's Household Division will be ripping that they didn’t think of it for Trooping the Colour.

 Gemma Collins' horse statue festooned in balloons. Picture from Gemma Collins on Instagram

Gemma hadn’t just planned the balloons, food, drinks and entertainment, she had hired portable loos for the occasion too. Dublin Airport might think about calling the GC in as a consultant.

If it took two days to set that party up it’s probably taken another two days to dismantle and deflate everything too. And somewhere over the English channel there’s a balloon arch with a plant pot attached, floating gently towards France.




Poop the wellness brand


A post shared by Poosh (@poosh)

THE news no-one was waiting for has broken and the ‘wellness’ collaboration no-one was asking for has happened - Gwyneth Paltrow and Kourtney Kardashian have joined forces to sell more over-priced nonsense to women.

To date the collab is a $75 candle. Like the world needs another scented candle. This one’s a sister candle to goop’s This Smells Like… and is “just as decadent - and cheeky”. Sleb Safari is tempted to say they should be thrown in the fire, except they’re candles and they’re meant to burn.

Gwyneth’s lifestyle empire is called goop and Kourtney’s is poosh and together they could be the mighty poop. 

Sleb Safari would very much like to see the collective might of the Kardashian/Jenners promote poop the brand. If anyone could, Kris Jenner could. And Harvard Business School’s pHD cohort would have a field day choosing their dissertation title.


Challenge Anneka is returning

Hold on to your helicopters, Challenge Anneka is coming back.

Between 1989 and 1995 Anneka Rice ran from helicopter to dune buggy, Dom Joly sized cordless phone in hand, calling in favours and lorry loads of sand, in order to complete a charitable project to deadline.

And she did it wearing stupendous jumpsuits and a huge smile. 

Channel 5 has confirmed that Challenge Anneka: Maverick will focus on “everyday heroes and deserving communities at a time when they’ve never needed help more”.

Sleb Safari has got its leg warmers and Reebok high tops at the ready and can’t wait to relive the glory years. Come on Anneka!


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