Gemma Collins and her animal shelter

Gemma Collins

SOMETIMES we don’t get the hero we deserve but the hero we need. In times of trouble, Sleb Safari often turns to the great sage of our age, reality star turned boutique owner turned national treasure, Gemma Collins.

The former The Only Way is Essex star has had a place in Sleb’s heart ever since she watched a documentary – Gemma Collins: Diva Espana – which featured Gemma having to retrieve blow-up pool furniture while her terrible ex-boyfriend was attending a boat party.

The sight of Gemma and friend Chloe Sims trying to shove oversized lilos into the back of a taxi as an unimpressed driver looked on will stay long in the memory. The ex could break her heart but there was no way Gemma was leaving without her giant infatable flamingos and unicorns. Several years on, Sleb’s cold heart has been warmed by news that Gemma’s commitment to all things animal-shaped has remained.

Relationships come and go but everyone knows that the monkey lamp you bought in B&M Bargains will last for eternity, no matter how many times your mother has ‘hinted’ that you should get rid of it. But Gemma has moved on from inflatables to more solid structures.

An Instagram video she posted last week showed off the large garden of her £1.3 million Essex mansion, complete with all the usual accoutrements of water feature, topiary trees and a full-size statue of an elephant.

The elephant, which Sleb likes to think is called Mr Trunk, looks about at home in an English garden as Jacob Rees-Mogg does in front of any TV camera. Perhaps worried that Mr Trunk will feel lonely, Gemma has now invested in another statue to keep him company. “I’ve got a new elephant on its way guys and I am so excited,” she added, while panning her camera around her country pile.

Sleb is a connoisseur of striking garden ornaments and often finds herself musing on whether to buy the sleeping dragons, angel-winged cats and lightup snails she frequently peruses online. Sadly, a recent spate of garden furniture thefts in her area has prevented her from buying the badger pushing a wheelbarrow ornament she badly craves. But Gemma shouldn’t be put off by potential thieves, who are unlikely in any case to be able to put an elephant statue into the back of a van.

With her acreage, Gemma should go the whole hog and kit herself out in a full-scale replica of the Ark, plus all its animals. If the elephants can arrive two-by-two, then the kangaroos must surely follow, as they all go into the ark for to get out of the rain. 

Johnny Depp misses out on alpaca support

Johnny Depp 

JOHNNY Depp’s defamation case against his ex-wife Amber Heard has featured weeks of unpleasant mud-slinging, including tales of Depp’s severed finger, shouting matches and drug-taking. Fans have either been packing the courtroom in Virginia or lining up outside the building in the hopes of seeing the actors.

After lengthy testimonies of disturbing evidence, with Ms Heard yet to testify, Sleb Safari has felt like retreating to a remote island and taking up goat herding. Thank goodness then for one Depp fan who had the good sense to bring along a couple of support animals.

Andrea Diaz brought her two alpacas, Dolce and Inti, in case the Pirates of the Caribbean star needed a cuddle. “I thought the alpacas might brighten his day,” she told The Washington Post.

However, she quickly realised that Depp may not actually see the animals because he enters and exits the courthouse through a gated back entrance each day. Never mind Andrea, we need all the alpaca content we can get. Let’s make Dolce and Inti the true stars that they are. Surely another Doctor Dolittle remake is on the cards? 

Twitter and the light of consciousness

Elon Musk

BUSINESS news now and to Twitter, where the worlds of politics, celebrity and that man who complains about ‘foreign-looking’ people in the CoOp collide. Billionaire spacetourist Elon Musk has bought the platform for a mere $44 billion in a takeover bid.

The company’s former CEO Jack Dorsey gave his own confusing seal of approval, tweeting: “In principle, I don’t believe anyone should own or run Twitter. “It wants to be a public good at a protocol level, not a company. “Solving for the problem of it being a company however, Elon is the singular solution I trust. “I trust his mission to extend the light of consciousness.” Say what now?

Sleb is tickled by a multi-millionaire believing that no one should own the company he helped create. And for a mere £4.40 a month she’s happy to extend the light of consciousness by reminding her neighbours that Tuesday is bin day

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