Sleb Safari: goop at Sea (you coming)
All aboard! This is your captain speaking and goop at Sea is about to set sail - but first, a word from our Celebrity Cruises Well-Being Advisor Gwyneth Paltrow.
That’s right jade egg fans, this September you can set sail around the Med on a nine-day cruise endorsed by her high goopness Ms Gwyneth Paltrow aboard a ship called Celebrity Beyond. It’s not any old cruise though, it’s an “exclusive wellness journey curated by goop”.
Gwyneth is drumming up business on Instagram with the invitation: “Care to join me and some of my favourite practitioners in the Italian Riviera and France?”
Honest answer? No. Sleb Safari tried to think of something, anything, worse but could only come up with goop at Sea with a Covid outbreak on board.
The Celebrity Cruises people are selling this thing hard too, promising that between visits to port cities in France and Italy “some of goop’s favourite practitioners will host interactive sessions to enhance your mind, body and soul”.
If you really want to *ahem* push the boat out you could book a berth on the Miami cruise which boasts a “spiritual teacher, clairvoyant intuitive” among its practitioners. As full-time as both those makey-upey jobs sound, that is one person’s ‘job description’. There will be other ‘wellness experts’ on board to tend to the “emotional, physical and spiritual needs of today’s modern traveller”. It’s a five-day cruise off the coast of Florida, Gwyn; other than indigestion tablets and sunscreen what more do people need?
Back to the Mediterranean cruise and its mention of “an exclusive goop smoothie” as part of “curated exclusive holistic wellness programming and products” to make your time at sea “even more restorative”.
If you’re thinking ‘A free smoothie? Whoopty-doo’, then you simply must embark on a mind cleanse this very instant. That exclusive smoothie is for sale at The Spa Café. Spirulina doesn’t come cheap, matey.
And please, please, please don’t go thinking Gwyneth will actually join the cruise. You will not be doing Kegel exercises together at dawn and sipping martinis at dusk. At best she’ll welcome you on board Celebrity Beyond, then hop on to a speedboat that will deliver her to the superyacht she and Beyonce are holidaying on with its staff of 12 and water slide. They’ll be tucking into Insalata Caprese on the island of Capri before you’ve even unpacked.
At worst you’ll be treated to a pre-recorded message encouraging you to embrace the quackery and be the best possible version of you. And don’t forget you can buy the exclusive goop smoothie at The Spa Café, all major credit cards accepted.
Let’s just call this thing what it is, goop at See you coming…
Anya Taylor-Joy is here to help you meditate
Struggling to meditate? Spending all 15 minutes wondering whether your breathing is unnaturally loud and if you turned the hair straighteners off?
Fret no more because Queen’s Gambit star Anya Taylor-Joy has your back.
Anya is trying to become a person who meditates and shared her own, personal top tip with The New York Times to help anyone else struggling to quieten the mind.
“Here’s a random challenge for people to try: Go on a roller coaster and try not screaming. I just did it, and you know how they snap the photograph? My friends screamed their faces off, and I looked like Yoda.
“That roller coaster ride was game-changing. Everything is moving so fast, and your only job is to keep calm — the centre of the storm. Your breathing deepens in a way you’ve never experienced before. I have never felt more calm.
“It’s a very random tip, but just give it a go.”
Thank goodness Barry’s has reopened. Here’s to a summer of Yodas on the Big Dipper.
Harrison Ford is a nice monster
Harrison Ford was sublime as Indiana Jones in The Temple of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Temple of Doom. The fourth film in the franchise, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, was watchable but that was also down to Harrison. Now there’s a fifth Indiana Jones film in the offing with Danish actor Mads Mikkelsen playing the villain. And he’d like you to know that just because Harrison’s turning 80 in July doesn’t mean he’s no longer a badass.
"It was the first time I met him, and he’s an insanely powerful person,” Mads told the Hollywood Reporter.
“Not just as an actor, but physically. I remember the first day we were shooting, it was a night shoot, then we stopped at 5 am - and then he got on his mountain bike and went biking for 50 kilometers. Harrison is a monster of a man, a very nice monster.”
Had Harrison overdone it with the coffee that night? Answers Mads, we need answers.