LET’S kick off proceedings this week with the showbiz engagement of Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly because who doesn’t love a big day out that ends with the bride’s drunkle singing Wagon Wheel?
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are at the Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton end of the intensity spectrum and their Instagram posts announcing their engagement shed light on why these two kooky kids are so well suited.
Megan set the scene.
"In July of 2020 we sat under this banyan tree. We asked for magic,” she explained.
“We were oblivious to the pain we would face together in such a short, frenetic period of time.”
The couple were also “unaware of the work and sacrifices” ahead, simply “intoxicated” by love “and the karma”. Which must explain their predilection for matching outfits and accessories.
"Somehow a year and a half later, having walked through hell together, and having laughed more than I ever imagined possible, he asked me to marry him."
And then she hit a home run.
"And just as in every lifetime before this one, and as in every lifetime that will follow it, I said yes…and then we drank each other’s blood 1.11.22.”
Did she maybe type ‘bubbly’ and her phone auto corrected it to ‘blood’?
Her husband-to-be was equally as extra with his narrative.
"Yes, in this life and every life… beneath the same branches we fell in love under, I brought her back to ask her to marry me.
"I know tradition is one ring, but I designed it with Stephen Webster to be two: the emerald (her birth stone) and the diamond (my birth stone) set on two magnetic bands of thorns that draw together as two halves of the same soul forming the obscure heart that is our love. 1-11-2022."
No-one has a spiritual or chemical connection as deep, as tortured, as intense as these two, ok? Theirs is “the darkest fairytale” and they’ve inked it on to each other’s skin so Sleb Safari doesn’t want to hear one cynical peep out of you.
Here’s hoping he decides to adopt her surname and becomes Machine Gun Fox.
The only glitch Sleb Safari can see is that they may have peaked too soon with the ‘drinking each other’s blood to celebrate our engagement’ caper
How do you top that on the day you exchange vows? Do your guests even want to see you top that? Here’s hoping there’s a vet on standby.
Lady Gaga and her pet flies
SPARE a thought for Lady Gaga who has shed more light on the “psychological difficulty” she experienced after playing the part of Patrizia Reggiani in House of Gucci.
Gaga has previously said she wasn’t imitating, but “becoming” Patrizia and now she’s told W magazine that she was convinced Patrizia had sent a swarm of flies to follow her around.
Asked if she had been sad to leave the character behind after 18 months Lady Gaga said: “On the last day of filming, I was on the balcony of my apartment in Rome, and I was blasting Dean Martin singing Mambo Italiano, and I had a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.
“I was Patrizia. But I knew I had to say goodbye to her: Large swarms of flies kept following me around, and I truly began to believe that she had sent them. I was ready to let her go.”
Are you sure they weren’t attracted to the meat dress you wore to the 2010 VMAs which must be in a sorry state of decay by now?
Be more Taryn De Vere
Taryn de Vere set herself a style challenge to dress up as a different household product every day, to make January more “joyful”.
She started on January 1 with the tweet: “My style challenge for Jan is to dress inspired by something in my house each day. Today it's sink unblocker.”
Today it’s sink unblocker? You have to love her.
Taryn lives in Donegal and is quite clearly a genius. So far, the toilet cleaner on January 7 is Sleb Safari’s favourite but it would happily accept an entire 12 months of this.
