Sleb Safari: An asteroid oil burner for Christmas? It could only be the goop gift guide

Gwyneth Paltrow has released her now infamous goop gift guide
Maeve Connolly

In a tradition as recent as elf on the shelf and Starbucks’ Christmas drinks being available in Ireland, Gwyneth Paltrow bestows upon us her annual goop gift guide for Christmas giving. It’s what the little baby Jesus would want, had he been born in Beverly Hills rather than a manger.

Putting aside Gwyneth’s preference for quackery over medicine and scientific fact, the gift guide is a gift in itself. Who could forget last year’s leather bag for carrying a watermelon that was, quelle surprise, price upon request?

The 2021 guide is chockablock full of Gwynethisms. Right out of the gate Sleb Safari spotted a $10,500 Chanel sled which will work out at $5,250 per use this winter but ironically you will look like you’re sliding down that big hill near your house on a bin lid that you pimped on the cheap with a can of gold spray paint.

 The sled by Chanel

Hot on the sled’s heels is an asteroid oil burner which on closer inspection is not a contraption that burns oil squeezed from asteroids. More’s the pity.

 An asteroid oil burner will set you back $150. Warning, the oil is not from real asteroids

The ‘forward to your significant other’ gift list includes $400 cashmere bloomers and a rose plant that comes in at $565. Be careful not to catch those bloomers on a thorn, darling! 

Elsewhere you’ll find a $195 porcelain dish in the shape of a croissant and a picnic basket that holds two wine glasses and a bottle of wine yet costs $7,550, as well as a pair of champagne bowls inspired by one King Louis XVI had made in the shape of Marie-Antoinette’s breast. What an image. Goop’s are white porcelain on the outside, golden on the inside, and handmade in Austria. Oh to be a careers’ teacher in Vienna.

 A croissant shaped tin

Foliage fans might enjoy a “professional indoor living wall installation”. Sleb Safari does not want to sneer at anyone’s 9-5 but this is a couple of leafy plants in pots, attached to your wall. It looks lovely but, rather than pay “from $265”, you could achieve similar yourself for a fraction of the price.

 Cashmere bloomers

Also of interest is a ‘moon intentions notebook’ which presumably is where the moon stores her to-do lists and the Pin for her credit card.

Sprinkled throughout the goop lists are getaways and holidays that are salt in the wound of a pandemic population. There’s a mirrored tree house in Sweden, a floating eco-luxe suite that looks like heaven on the high seas, a cabin in the Catskills, a week of painting and pasta eating in Tuscany and a trip to see Rajasthani tigers with “an outfit dedicated to the conservation and restoration of the local wilderness”. To each and every one of those Sleb Safari says yes please and where does it send the cheque? 

In a sea of inexplicables Sleb Safari spotted a calamari dress ($435) that only has two arms. What use is that to a calamari with a Christmas party to go to? Do better next year goop.

 The calamari dress


Paris Hilton married her twin flame

Paris Hilton married her twin flame on November 11 and has been sharing a steady deluge of photographs.

Sleb Safari very much enjoyed the fact that on day one Paris only shared pictures of herself and it was day two before we saw husband Carter Reum.

Paris had said she would wear 10 dresses across three days of celebrations and so far Sleb Safari has seen three full-length white dresses from day one and they are all beautiful. The actual wedding dress was by Oscar de la Renta with Grace Kelly as the inspiration. 


A post shared by Paris Hilton (@parishilton)

Paris and Carter chose to get married on November 11 because 11/11 holds special significance.

“11:11 has always been my favorite time of day. It’s my reminder to make a wish and be open to miracles,” Paris told Vogue.

“This date is special to Carter and I — it represents our love story, which both of us knew was meant to be.”

Sleb Safari hopes these twin flames burn bright for years to come. 


Hark the Herald Christmas klaxon

SOUND the Christmas klaxon because trees are starting to appear on celebrity Instagram feeds.

Rylan kicked things off by putting up one of his six trees. Perhaps he’s planning one a week from now until Christmas.

“Don't judge, I've done one," was how he introduced the very tall, thin and well turned out tree. Perhaps it’s Christmas trees and not pets that turn into their owners.

 The first of Rylan's six Christmas trees. Picture from Rylan on Instagram


Richard Madeley has decided on his I'm A Celebrity camp role

I’m A Celebrity started last night and we have three weeks of celebrity shenanigans to look forward to.

Before he entered the Welsh jungle Richard Madeley had already decided what his role was going to be, that of "cook and the interviewer".

"I will ask questions in camp. Unless you are curious, you don’t learn about people,” he told The Express.

"I love finding out about people’s lives."

Sleb Safari has watched chatty Richard on the telly over the years and it’s fair to say his campmates are going to go hungry.

Judy Finnigan is sure going to miss Richard Madeley around the house

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