Sleb Safari: Bennifer's Oscars-themed wedding imagined

Jennifer Lopez attended the Met Gala with Ben Affleck earlier this month. Picture by Evan Agostini/Invision/AP
Maeve Connolly

LET’S kick off today with an exclusive story about the $60 million, six-day wedding being planned by Jennifer Lopez, queen of the high pony, and Ben Affleck, king of Boston. Heat magazine has all the goss because it’s been speaking to an “insider close to the pair” who is breathless with nuptial news.

Sleb Safari, on the other hand, has it on no authority at all that unicorns will deliver the wedding invitations and a dodo will act as ring bearer.

Jennifer and Ben called off their wedding in 2003 due to “excessive media attention”, explaining at the time that “when we found ourselves seriously contemplating hiring three separate decoy brides at three different locations, we realized that something was awry”. They’re going to be super chill about this story in Heat magazine though.

So, what can this insider tell us about Bennifer’s Big Day: The Reboot. Everything as it turns out.

Read more: J.Lo and A-Rod - A retrospective

“They’ve both said they want no expense spared and are looking at a six-day party. It will have everything: an A-list guest list with all their friends, and loved ones, including Matt Damon and Ellen DeGeneres,” the source tells Heat.

Six days of festivities with a day of travelling on either side. That’s eight days. Sleb Safari’s not sure it wants to use up that much holiday leave tbh. But wait, Mary J Blige has been asked “to sing Jen down the aisle”. Maybe Sleb Safari could manage eight days if Jen’s going to sashay down the aisle to No More Drama.

The insider continues: “And, of course, there will also be a sky-high budget for food, drink and flowers. Oprah has even offered her estate in Montecito as a venue.” That seals the deal. Oprah would be an excellent host, treating everyone the same, whether they’re A list or not on the list. “You get a car. You get a car. You get a car. You get a car.”

As if reading from a teenage girl’s diary, the chatty member of the Bennifer entourage says the couple feels that “getting back together after so long was meant to be and they want to honour that with a huge celebration”.

“They want their big day to truly reflect their relationship, which they feel should go down in the history books as one of the greatest showbiz love stories ever told.”

But if they don’t take Oprah up on her offer, where might they get hitched? Well, there are “several multi-million dollar venues” on the table, including the Getty Villa in Malibu and an $85m home in LA they’re keen to buy.

Despite having played a wedding planner Jennifer is taking no chances and has commissioned three wedding planners. And, whisper it, she’s already having dress fittings.

The chatty insider concluded that “it’s going to be a major event like the Oscars and a true Hollywood spectacle like no other”.

An Oscars theme. Great idea. Make your guests sit through a reallllllllly long ceremony, give prizes to a fraction of them, have a strict time limit on speeches and watch “friends, and loved ones, including Matt Damon and Ellen DeGeneres” demolish the buffet after a month of eating only yoghurt. This is going to be one heck of a bash.

Next week: The couple’s hors d’oeuvre dilemma. Crostini or bruschetta?

Read more:

Nicole Richie's hair burning birthday bash

SPARE a thought for Nicole Richie whose hair caught fire as she was blowing out the candles on her 40th birthday cake.

And not caught fire as in ‘started to smoulder’, there were proper flames and her hair was alight in a way that would cause most people to scream.

Nicole posted the video on Instagram and the man in charge of her barnet, Gregory Russell, commented: “STOP!!! AGAIN?!?!”, and Nicole cheerily replied: “I’ll start a Pinterest board for new haircuts. Start thinking of cute curly bobs.”

Sleb Safari has two thoughts on the matter. One, what does Gregory mean by again? How often does Nicole set her hair on fire? And two? That’s hot.

Emmys Best Dressed

Sleb Safari is handing the Emmys best dressed prize to Michaela Cole (winner of the outstanding writing Emmy for her series I May Destroy You) and Kaley Cuoco (who was nominated in the lead actress category for The Flight Attendant) for their beautiful, chartreuse outfits with matching rather than contrasting heels. Runners up are the Schitt's Creek cast who were exquisite in four strong, statement colours.

Michaela Coel. Picture by Chris Pizzello, AP

Kaley Cuoco. Picture by Chris Pizzello, AP

 The cast of Schitt's Creek


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