Michael Gove: Dance disaster darling
ONE of the immutable laws of 21st century television is that no public figure can learn any skill (cooking, sewing, ballroom dancing, finding cheap antiques) without an expert present to tell them how they're doing it all wrong.
This rule applies even when the public figure is not actually on TV but is dancing on his own in an Aberdeen nightclub at 3am after enjoying some 'refreshments' in the pub downstairs.
Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, may not have graced these pages before but his unique dance stylings, as filmed by other revellers at O'Neill's Bohemia nightclub, looked to be nothing less than a shameless bid to get on Strictly Come Dancing.
If Mr Gove's former party colleague Ann Widdecombe can win damningly faint praise from the Strictly judges purely for awkwardly moving her limbs and dressing in a costume reminiscent of Big Bird from Sesame Street then surely he can too.
So it was with some delight that Sleb Safari noted Mr Gove's distinctive 'flicky wrist' moves hadn't escaped the notice of Strictly judge and part-time panto dame Craig Revel Horwood.
Revel Horwood gave the 54-year-old 10 out of 10 for "enjoying himself" but only three for technical ability - which puts him slightly ahead of Widdecombe but much lower than former Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls's alarming 2016 Gangnam Style routine which Sleb Safari is still trying to erase from her memory.
Hilariously, Revel Horwood attempted to give Mr Gove some tips which amounted to the Irish Mammy refrain of 'don't make a show of yourself'.
"If you are going out to a nightclub at some ungodly hour in the morning, 1.30 in the morning... and you get filmed doing this sort of dancing, then it is your own fault, quite frankly," Craig opined on The Jeremy Vine Show.
"I would say he should be a little bit more technical if you are going to be in public doing it. At least rehearse it at home, I would say."
Whom amongst us hasn't gone to a pub in a suit, drank on their own, headed to a nightclub at 1.30am and danced in the hope that no one was watching?
Sleb Safari's favourite aspect of this story is that the pub Mr Gove was drinking in was O'Neill's - an Irish bar known for showing GAA and Irish rugby games and also the former workplace of a friend.
According to the friend, who cannot be named for legal reasons, patrons of O'Neill's used to frequent a kebab shop nearby which was run by a Lionel Richie impersonator from Libya who liked jumping on the counter during impromptu performances of Dancing on the Ceiling and All Night Long (All Night).
No word has reached us yet on whether Mr Gove did get a kebab after his nightclub visit but a quick scan of the lyrics to Dancing on the Ceiling shows they are eerily prescient.
"I say/ What is happening here/ Something's going on that's not quite clear/ Somebody turn on the lights, yeah/ We're going to have a party/ With the Chancellor of the Duchy".
Model's braincare beverage brainwave
MORE drinking news now, this time of the non-alcoholic kind.
US supermodel Bella Hadid has launched her own brand of 'braincare beverage', Kin Euphorics, with her friend Jen Batchelor.
Full of herbal ingredients, Hadid claimed the beverage is "the first drink to sit boldly at the intersection of feeling good & living well".
Other bold claims include: "People universally will benefit from Kin."
"Once you try it, you just know."
Take that water. You're no good to anyone.
Instagram adverts for the drink show Hadid posing on horseback with a comically large can of the stuff - which is how Sleb Safari will demand it is served to her once/if it becomes available on this side of the Atlantic.
Ronan Keating: Del Boy fan?
RONAN Keating was always Sleb Safari's favourite member of Boyzone.
Gay Byrne's demand for him to "identify yourself" during the band's memorably terrible performance on the Late Late Show in 1993 is still the greatest three seconds of television ever broadcast in Ireland.
Ronan seemed a gauche young fella from Swords then, either overawed by the possibility of fame or alarmed by Louis Walsh's omnipresence.
And he's now revealed his conversation skills come straight from the Del Boy school of sophistication.
Remembering the time he attempted to impress a photographer during the height of Boyzone's fame, he got his 'bain maries' mixed up with his 'au contraires Rodney'.
"I wanted him to think I was cool and he says, 'Hey Ronan what do you think of this room?' and I said, 'Yeah I like it'.
"He said, 'Any ideas for what we can do a photo on?' and I said, 'Yeah maybe a photo on the mangetout over there,' and he said, 'I think you mean the chaise longue?' and I thought, 'Oh god this couldn't be any worse'."
Sleb Safari would like to remind Ronan of his Late Late appearance and point out that if he could keep a straight face while Shane Lynch thrusted to camera clad only in a pair of dungarees then he could get through anything.
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@rochellehumes A face I love to see