The Sleb Safari celebrity awards of 2015

Kermit and Miss Piggy in happier times. Sleb Safari is holding out for a reunion

CHRISTMAS is a time of overindulgence, whether that’s turkey, Milk Tray, Bailey’s, television or time with family so Sleb Safari hopes it finds you hale and hearty after sharing a stress-free and happy Christmas with the people or person who means most to you.

And what better way to transition from Christmas to new year than with a retrospective of 2015's celebrity shenanigans.

There have been break ups, make ups, the safe delivery of heirs to celebrity thrones and a sprinkling of bad behaviour and Sleb Safari has an armful of awards to match every occasion.

Most casual revelation of mind boggling celebrity information award

Winner: Russell Crowe

The actor dropped into conversation with the Guardian newspaper the fact that Michael Jackson used to prank call him constantly “for two or three years”.

“I never met him, never shook his hand, but he found out the name I stayed in hotels under, so it didn’t matter where I was, he’d ring up, do this kind of thing, like you did when you were 10, you know. ‘Is Mr Wall there? Is Mrs Wall there? Are there any Walls there? Then what’s holding the roof up? Ha ha.’.”

Storm in a teacup award

Winner: Ariana Grande

The pint-sized singer got herself into a vat of trouble when she was caught on camera licking a donut and muttering “I hate America” in a donut store. She explained it away as a one-woman protest against America’s growing obesity problem. The storm in a teacup took seven long days to blow over.

They’ve broken up? But they can’t award

Winners: Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy

This was one break up that no-one saw coming. Sleb Safari is still hoping for a reconciliation.

Runners up:- Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner.

Most blatant attempt to get famous award

Winner: the woman who claimed Mila Kunis had stolen her pet chicken when they were children together in Ukraine.

This woman wanted $5,000 in compensation for emotional trauma she suffered when Doggie (the chicken) was stolen.

Worst film idea ever award

Winner: ‘Nsnyc and Backstreet Boys.

The boybands announced they were collaborating on a post-apocalyptic zombie western film. JJ Abrams must be quaking in his boots.

Strangest parenting behaviour award

Winner: Rod Stewart

Kimberley Stewawrt gave Sleb Safari nightmares with her stories about her dad’s unusual parenting style.

“If one of our dogs pooped on his nice carpets he’d put the poop on our pillow at night. But we always wanted to tell him things.”

Sleb Safari knows what it would have told Rod.

Most inventive storytelling award

Winner: Grazia magazine for its claim that Gwyneth Paltrow was giving her boyfriend’s home a Goop-over

Gwyneth was said to have hired a “de-clutterer” to help her aesthetically overhaul her boyfriend’s home and threw out a “chunky table she found ‘overbearing’”.

Barmiest story award

Winner: National Enquirer for its story about Kim Kardashian begging Amal Clooney for a job as her legal assistant.

The magazine had it on good authority that Kim was desperately trying to befriend the human rights barrister but Amal’s husband (an actor apparently) put the kibosh on it.

Happy new year y'all. Here's to 2016.


Cage Returns Dinosaur Skull 

And now for something we can all relate to... actor Nicolas Cage has agreed to return a 67 million-year-old Tyrannosaurus bataar skull after it emerged that the fossil had been stolen from the Gobi Desert and smuggled into the US. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Cage bought the skull for $276,000 after winning a bidding war against Leonardo DiCaprio at a 2007 auction.

The dinosaur skull, which is 45 inches long, will now be returned to the Mongolian government and Cage won't face criminal charges as was unaware of the skull's provenance when he bought it.

The actor collects what Sleb Safari shall charitably refer to as unusual things and they include two albino king cobras, a variety of shrunken heads, an octopus, a shark, a pyramid tomb in a New Orleans cemetery and a Lamborghini that belonged to the Shah of Iran.

He also reportedly owns castles in England and Germany and a private island in the Bahamas but Sleb Safari wouldn't put those purchases in the unusual category. Those are fine examples of some sensible shopping. Cage's accountant must have had a quiet word with him after he bought that second albino cobra.


Danny Dyer on Trump

DANNY Dyer, the man responsible for Sleb Safari's favourite tweet (“Can’t believe it’s been nearly 11 years since them slags smashed into the twin towers it still freaks my nut out to this day”), has turned his attention to controversial US presidential candidate Donald Trump and offered the kind of astute analysis we have come to expect from him.

“Is it me or is this geezer completely off his strange looking nut,” Dyer tweeted. On the money as always.


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