Hello and welcome back to the Library of Showbiz Injuries. There’s tea in the pot and you can hang your wet coat on the back of the door.

MONDAY again chums and no matter how bad your morning it’s highly unlikely that in your haste to get ready and out the door you swallowed something you really, really shouldn’t, á la Kirstie Allsopp.

Now that the hoohah about Kim Kardashian and the Ripley’s believe it or not dress - that’s to say do you believe she damaged Marilyn Monroe’s dress or not - has died down, scrutiny has turned to ‘the hold’ she has over boyfriend Pete Davidson.

What to do on the day your ex is getting married. Should you watch a box set with a KFC 14-piece party bucket for company? Plan a fun day with friends? Or livestream yourself breaking into her house and trying to gatecrash the wedding? 

Just as our ancestors celebrated the start of summer with ritual Beltane bonfires and feasting, so we celebrate Love Island, when a group of well-meaning ejeets, freshly waxed and buffed to a high sheen, line up for our entertainment.

The Queen (of Essex) had a huge party last week to celebrate the platinum jubilee of the other queen.

Cataloguing Brooklyn Beckham’s tattoos is a job Sleb Safari takes very seriously indeed. 

TO Cornwall this week where Vogue magazine has apologised profusely to a small pub that shares its name and which it threatened with legal action.

VANESSA Hudgens has a gift. Until now we’d all thought it was her ability to sing, dance, act and make millions in Hollywood. It’s a gift most people would embrace and one which would facilitate a very early retirement at, say, age 30.