Sleb Safari: If it gets any hotter we'll be microwaving our armpits

Would you microwave your armpits if it meant an end to perspiring?
Maeve Connolly

WOULD you microwave your armpits to stop sweating? That's the question Sleb Safari has been asking people in a straw poll after reading about a new treatment.

People can be funny about microwaves. There are those who won't microwave milk. Others will attempt to dry damp laundry in it. Word to the wise: this is dangerous. And does not work. Sleb Safari slings any and every food and liquid in there, drawing the line at fish, obv. Armpits, however...

According to The Times, the perspiration procedure costs £1,500 and nukes the sweat glands, rendering your armpits sweat free for life.

Retired dermatologist Anthony Chu came up with it. Sleb Safari likes to imagine it was the work of a rainy bank holiday weekend.

Anthony offers up a vivid simile to describe his armpits, post microwaving.

"They felt like when an orange has gone rotten under the skin: not painful, but squishy, if you can imagine that. It's very strange."

Asides from rendering your armpits squishy, what else had the microwaving done Anthony?

"...the sweat glands were fried, like when you put a ready meal in the microwave for too long: totally desiccated and destroyed."

What is with all the food imagery? Was Anthony hungry when he gave this interview?

Sleb Safari doesn't fancy turning its sweat glands into a shrivelled up supermarket lasagne. It can certainly see the benefit of the procedure for those who live with excessive sweating and even for people who want it for cosmetic reasons.

And now that we're experiencing the kind of summer that we usually have to get on an aeroplane to source, Sleb Safari's straw poll revealed that plenty of people wouldn't want the full 'ready meal in the microwave for too long' experience but would accept a zapping of their underarms on the 60-second setting ie: the effects would last as long as this heatwave.

We're just not used to sustained summer, proper summer, in any shape or form. You have to feel for the people working in kitchens and healthcare, on roofs and roads.

Our behaviour at home takes a left turn in the heat. As the temperature creeps up we progress from emptying the laundry basket to washing absolutely anything from duvets to winter coats because it's coded in our DNA not to waste precious sunshine.

We convince ourselves that the sea is warm enough to swim in, that alcohol units don't count in the sunshine and a bowl of ice cream is an acceptable dinner.

We check our phone and call out the temperature at least six times a day and don't even care if anyone's listening. We repeat 'it's like being on holiday' even more often and agree heartily whenever someone says 'sure isn't Ireland as beautiful as anywhere else in the sunshine?'

And that, friends, is what makes a sunny summer at home so flipping brilliant.

Stavanger is tops for museums

Sally Phillips

THREE cheers for Sally Phillips and her love of a quirky museum.

Asked by The Sunday Times for the name of the best museum she had ever visited Sally didn't beat around the bush.

"The herring canning museum in Stavanger in Norway," she cheerily announced.

"It's a fully interactive museum where there is a cupboard full of smoking herring and men wearing herring smoking outfits. We only went as a joke, but by the time we came out we were all silent and respectful."

Take that New York; who's laughing now London? Stavanger is where it's at.

Jean Paul Gaultier on the origins of Madonna's conical bra

Jean Paul Gaultier

And so to designer Jean Paul Gaultier, purveyor of couture, speaker of Franglais and creator of some truly gorgeous scents.

One of Jean Paul's best known fashion creations is Madonna's conical bra corset and JP has shed light on the origins of the iconic look.

It all began when he got a teddy bear as a child and began styling its hair and putting his grandmother's make up on it.

"And I made a conical bra for it: it was the first conical bra, even before Madonna's.

"I grew up on television, not books, and I'd also seen this programme that showed you could cut a circle out of a circle to make a skirt, so I made a hole in one of my grandmother's lace mats and turned it into a skirt for the bear."

So while JP was creating bespoke couture for his teddy you were hacking the hair of your Girl's World and applying crayon for eye shadow. Why Madonna hasn't sought your services is a mystery.

Social Media Smut

Rosamund Pike is bringing all the looks to Cannes this year. These two outfits are exquisite


A post shared by Rosamund Pike (@mspike)


A post shared by Rosamund Pike (@mspike)

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