Sleb Safari: Don't buy a house, buy an apartment on a residential superyacht instead

Don't bother buying a house, snap up an apartment in a residential superyacht instead
Maeve Connolly

SLEB Safari owes you an apology. In May, with wild abandon and naked arrogance, it trumpeted that it had found your new home office, in the shape of Steven Spielberg's superyacht, on the market for $160 million.

Sleb Safari is sorry for insulting you, your intelligence and your bank balance. OF COURSE you weren't going to settle for an 85-metre long vessel with four decks, a 28-strong crew and a fuel tank that can hold enough superyacht-juice to cross the Atlantic.

Why did Sleb Safari think that one swimming pool, one cinema room, one baby grand piano and one bar with Guinness on draft would even rouse a flicker of interest in you?

Please accept Sleb Safari's most sincere mea culpa.

What you want, nay need, is an apartment on a 'residential vessel' which is being built right this minute and will be the largest superyacht in the world.

The asking price for an apartment starts at £8m and purchase is by invitation or referral only but what that buys you is the opportunity to move into a bubble of like-minded people and sail the seven seas for the rest of your days, never again having a real world encounter.

There is only one other residential superyacht in existence but this one will trump it, with 38 fully customisable, luxury apartments spread over six decks, a 24-hour concierge service - because how else would you live? - a beach club with water sport facilities and a 10,000 bottle wine cellar.

According to the blurb, the vessel will provide residents with "the intimacy of a private yacht alongside the chance to network in a vibrant community of like-minded owners".

There is more to this floating cul-de-sac than meets the eye; while you're vibrantly networking at the beach club, a team of scientists will be conducting marine research on this dual-purpose vessel.

It's a confusing picture. On one hand there's the super rich, snuggling in the lap of luxury, and on the other hand you have scientists aboard (but not in the multi-million pound apartments you must understand) trying to save the planet one water sample at a time. It sounds like the plot to an absolutely awful film.

Either a billionaire will be found dead wearing nothing but flippers or the top scientist, driven mad by scurvy, eats all the papaya while the vessel is still days from land, causing the collapse of onboard civilization. It's got Adam Sandler written all over it.

Sleb Safari will gladly accept a tour of this floating social experiment if anyone is offering or referring but can tell you that the one place it wants to live, where it really, really wants to live and work is the Spice Girls bus.

The Spice Bus Airbnb on the Isle of Wight

The double decker from their classic 1997 film Spice World is now an Airbnb parked up on the Isle of Wight and it's more in line with Sleb Safari's budget.

It doesn't have a wine cellar, or a concierge or an on-board beach club, or provide opportunities to network, but it is beside the beach and if Sleb Safari wants to swim, chat or have a glass of wine there's an entire island community to do it with.

And Sleb Safari can always wave at you from the top deck as you sail past. We're going to be so happy in our new homes.

Mr Motivator just never stops

Mr Motivator

AND so to Mr Motivator, that Lycra-clad burst of 90s breakfast TV energy who has a bumbag collection that spans the globe (400 in Jamaica, 100 in England, fact fans).

Show Sleb Safari someone who didn't start their mornings spooning cereal into their mouth while watching Mr Motivator marching on the spot and Sleb Safari will yell "Get wicked" in their face.

Mr Motivator has been explaining how he stays as fit as a fiddle as he approaches 70.

"I have to do my age in press-ups every day, and it's tough because I'm 69 this year. But I'm going to stick with it. Can you imagine when I'm 85?"

Yes, Sleb Safari can very much picture you at 85 Mr Motivator; still vibrating with energy, still wearing mis-matching leg warmers and shoe laces, still being you and it very much looks forward to it.

Rihanna gets carded and turned away from a bar

Sympathies this week to the bouncer at a New York bar who turned Rihanna away because she didn't have ID.

Rihanna, of all people. How did the bouncer not recognise her? Could he not have Googled her? She was with her boyfriend, A$AP Rocky, and people were filming the whole thing in amusement and bemusement.

The bouncer was doing his job - no ID, no entry - but he's never going to live this one down.

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