MY HUSBAND left me five years ago to move in with another woman. It was a total shock, because we had been together for 16 years and I thought he loved me. We had even been talking about starting a business together.
I have not started any new relationships, nor have I sought to get a divorce. It has not been an easy few years, but I have stayed healthy and positive. We stayed in touch for the first few months but haven’t exchanged any messages since then.
However, I found out through social media recently that life has not treated him so well. It seems he’s had a few mental health and depression issues, which has meant he’s struggled to hold onto his job. I’ve also heard that his new relationship may not be as solid as it once was. On top of this, his younger brother died recently and it has affected him badly. All of which gives me hope that he will see sense and come back to me.
My cousin thinks I am wasting my time and should look elsewhere for love. However, I have always believed that marriage is a lifelong commitment and, as I still love him, I have been (and still am) happy to wait for him.
Do you think couples can get back together after a long separation like this?
PK
FIONA SAYS: It’s possible, but it doesn’t happen very often. My worry with your particular situation is that you’ve invested five years of your life in the expectation that your marriage can be revived. This, all on the back of not a single indication from your estranged husband that this is what he wants. In fact, you’ve had no contact with him for over four years.
Now, to make matters worse, you’ve had your hopes raised higher still by hearsay on social media that could very easily be inaccurate. I don’t want to cause you further distress, but can you not see how illogical this is?
I think your cousin is right to encourage you to look elsewhere. If you feel you can’t do this without at least an attempt to rescue your marriage, I suggest you find a way to message you husband, assuming that it’s even possible.
Then, ask a straightforward question along the lines of: ‘Do you think we can get back together?’ His response will, most likely, not be what you want, which might explain why you haven’t forced the issue in the past.
It’s also likely to upset you, however it’s the only way that you will really know his intentions, and even in the unlikely event that he says it’s possible, can you really believe him? He’s shown he’s capable of leaving once, what’s to stop him doing it again?
If you have no way to contact him, please take this as a sign that the time has come to move on and formally seek a divorce. These days you don’t have to involve a lawyer unless you need to, perhaps for financial reasons, but as you’ve been living separate lives for so long, I imagine this doesn’t apply. You can find all the details of how to go about it online at the UK Government website (gov.uk) – just search under ‘Divorce’ and all the information you need is there.
I really would encourage you to take your cousin’s advice and make a fresh start.
OUR ELDEST SON HAS MOVED HOME AND IT’S GETTING ME DOWN
I GOT married when I was only 16. At the time, I was pregnant, and my parents were not keen on the father and said he’d probably leave me at the first hurdle. I am happy to say they were wrong and we’ve been together for 28 years. We’ve had three children, all of whom had left home, and we were enjoying our time alone together – that is until my eldest son moved back after a falling out with his girlfriend.
It was only supposed to be short-term until he found somewhere else, but he’s now been with us for almost nine months. I have dropped a few hints and asked how his flat-hunt is progressing, but this just seems to make him angry and then he accuses me of trying to force him out.
Please don’t get me wrong, I love him to bits and don’t want to see him homeless, but at the same time I am getting fed up with the extra work that he creates. You’d think that one extra person wouldn’t make that much difference but somehow, he’s doubled the time needed for cooking, cleaning and washing. It’s getting me down and I resent the fact that I seem to be the one doing all the extra housework, even though I have a full-time job.
I have discussed it with my husband and, while he accepts that it’s made life more difficult, he likes having his son at home again. So, if I keep pushing, not only will my son resent it but I might just upset my husband too. Now what do I do?
LJ
FIONA SAYS: Is it the extra work, or loss of time alone with your husband that’s upsetting you more? If it’s the former, a simple solution could be reached by getting your husband and son to do more about the house. If you have been doing everything for your son, it might explain some of his reluctance to move out. Also, it might throw some light on why his relationship failed, especially if he was as work-shy around the house with his girlfriend as he is with you.
Speak with them both and make it clear that you are no longer prepared to do everything and hold down a job. If your son is to stay, then it must be on the understanding that he and his father share more of the household chores. It shouldn’t be difficult to put in place a rota for these and, if they object, simply withdraw your labour.
It shouldn’t take too long for hunger or a pile-up of dirty clothes to make them realise just how much you do, which will hopefully bring them around. Once they are pulling their weight, things ought to improve.
However, if it’s the loss of time with your husband that’s the issue, then it becomes more problematic. Less time spent on chores will certainly leave you free to enjoy more time with your husband. However, it probably won’t give you back the freedom and privacy you once had to do whatever you wanted at home.
For this to happen, you’d have to arrange for your son to be out on certain nights of the week. It’s a practical solution but it would lack spontaneity. One final point, if your son is working and continues to stay with you, he should be paying rent or contributing to household bills.
I’M IN LOVE WITH A TV STAR
THIS MIGHT sound foolish to many people, but I have genuinely fallen in love with an actor in a TV police show. I am 39 and probably should know better, but I can’t help my feelings.
I wrote to him via the TV channel and was delighted when I got a positive reply. It thanked me for my interest but suggested that my feelings would probably fade in time, but the problem is they haven’t. If anything, I feel more strongly about him now than I did last season.
I have written to him frequently over the past six months but haven’t had any more replies. I’m sure that if I could just spend a few minutes with him, I could convince him that I am the right person for him. We’d be so good together as I really do love him.
HV
FIONA SAYS: I think I need to be quite blunt here, you can’t possibly love someone that you don’t know. The feelings you have are for a character that this man plays, not the man himself. He’s an actor and, however attractive or genuine his character appears to be, in reality, he is a different person.
The letter you received was not positive – it was a kind attempt to stop things from developing further. It was most probably written not by the actor himself but by his agent or whoever deals with his fan mail. Sadly, far from gently putting you off (as I’m sure this letter was intended to do), it’s raised your hopes to the point that you seem to have developed an obsession.
If you are not careful, it could land you in trouble, especially if the actor decides your constant attention is harassment or stalking. This could so easily get out of hand, so please stop writing letters and do all you can to forget about him.
If you struggle to do this, speak to your GP about counselling help or find a local counsellor through the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). This obsession has to stop before it becomes harmful and you really need to look for love amongst people you can actually talk to and get to know.
MONEY STRUGGLES ARE GETTING TOO MUCH
I’M A single parent with two young children, aged eight and six. My boyfriend left me just weeks after my second child was born and I have struggled to make ends meet ever since. Chasing maintenance from him has been a nightmare, largely because he’s out of work so often.
This improved a bit two years ago, when I got a part-time job that fitted in around my children. However, I was made redundant last August and have been unable to find another job. Because of this I have run up big arrears on my housing association rent and other bills.
I’ve tried to manage, but I feel like I am going under. I am so worried about my children and how they will cope if we are made homeless. I feel such a failure and feel like giving up.
EJ
FIONA SAYS: I am so sorry you find yourself in this position, and unfortunately, it’s all too common just now. Please don’t give up though – help is available. It’s not always easy to access but there are also organisations that can assist with this.
As a first step please contact Gingerbread (gingerbread.org.uk), a charity for single parents that offers information and advice through a free helpline and a web chat service. Their advisors can help you navigate the benefits system, which it sounds as if you are clearly in need of. Then I suggest you contact the National Debtline (nationaldebtline.org) to put in place a debt management plan.
Finally, you are really not a failure. Raising children isn’t easy for couples, so any single parent that does it is a hero in my book.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
