MY wife died earlier this year after a short fight with pancreatic cancer. She’d always been so full of life and it came a real shock when she was diagnosed, especially when they told us that there was nothing they could do to treat it.
She didn’t let it slow her down though. She carried on doing all the things she enjoyed for as long as she could and never once gave way to despair or anger. She was strong and brave right to the end – far braver than me. I wish I could be more like her, but it’s hard.
My son and his wife helped for a couple of weeks after her death, but they had to return to the States because of work commitments. Other than them I have no other family. Now that I am my own, everything I see, touch or hear reminds me of her and makes my stomach lurch with the knowledge that I will never see her again.
Everyone I see at work thinks I am handling it really well, but the truth is I feel like I am going under. For the most part, I wander through each day in a daze, unable to deal with even the simplest of tasks. At other times, I get so angry I could scream. It’s been three months since her death and I try to put a brave face on it, but underneath I feel alone and without hope.
Yesterday I got the first Christmas card of the year and it was addressed to us both. I suppose I should have expected this but it still reduced me to tears. As we get closer to Christmas this is only going to get worse. How the hell can anyone expect me to be merry when my wife has just died? How long am I going to feel like this?
PH
FIONA SAYS: I am so sorry for your loss. Coping with the death of a loved one is tough, and I wish I could give you an assurance that after six months or so, you’ll feel over it. Sadly, grief doesn’t work that way, each of us deals with it in a different way and over a different timescale. In your case, it is still very early days, and your wife’s illness was sudden and unexpected.
What’s important is not to put unreasonable expectations on yourself – let it take as long as it needs. And please don’t feel that you need to put a brave face on it throughout this process. If you feel the need to scream or cry, do so.
Also, please don’t attempt to tough this out on your own. I note that you don’t have any other immediate family, but do you have any good friends that you could reach out to?
I’m not suggesting this will necessarily help you come to terms with your grief, that’s better served by counselling. However, simply chatting with a trusted friend will give you companionship and an opportunity to drop the brave face for a while and just be yourself.
I mentioned counselling above and it’s clear from your letter that you’ve not had this. Please consider contacting Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) as the organisation offers grief counselling throughout the Christmas period. The Support Line is open seven days a week and will even be open on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day, and on Boxing Day (and all other Bank Holidays). You can find further details about their operating hours on their website, as well as other resources that could be helpful for you.
SHOULD I CALL OFF THE WEDDING?
I AM due to get married next spring but, as the date gets closer, I wonder more and more if I am doing the right thing. My fiancé is a wonderful man and I love him to bits.
Six months ago, he accepted a new job offer from a company that’s a good three-hour drive away as it was too good an opportunity to pass up.
At first, he was happy to spend anywhere up to six hours a day in the car, however it soon became clear that this wouldn’t work as it was just too exhausting. In the end, we agreed the best thing for him to do was leave really early on Monday morning, stay in a company flat near his job, and come home late on Friday night.
He’s been doing this for the past four months and I already hate what it’s doing to our relationship. The main problem is I only see him at weekends. On Friday night I am really happy to see him and would love to go out or something, but he’s usually far too tired. Saturday and Sunday fly by and by Sunday night he’s getting back into work mode and I start to get grumpy and resentful.
I can’t help it, but I miss him so much during the week. All I seem to do is count off the days until he comes home again. I know this job means a lot to him and it gives us a lot of financial security, however I am also not so sure that I can live this way for too much longer. Should I just call off the wedding?
LH
FIONA SAYS: Unless there’s something else worrying you that you haven’t told me about your relationship, calling off the wedding might be a bit of an overreaction here.
Could it be possible that this is simply a case of pre-wedding jitters? Many people get bouts of cold feet in the run up to a wedding – and that’s a natural reaction. It’s a major life decision and if it fails, it’s likely to be both painful and expensive. But I think it sounds more likely that your issue is with your fiancé’s job, rather than him.
Have you explained to him how unhappy you are with the current arrangement? It’s possible he’s struggling with it too and would welcome the chance to explore alternatives. If he is happy with it as it is though, and doesn’t want to give up the job, you will need to find a way to come to terms with it.
Key to that will be filling your time while he is away. This might be through work, a hobby, further studying or perhaps volunteering in some way. It doesn’t matter what this is just as long as it gives you a sense of purpose and contact with other people. Hopefully this will be all that you need, but if you still feel resentful or lonely after this, then perhaps it is time for a more serious talk and re-think with your fiancé.
Explain that you’ve tried to meet him halfway by filling your time while he is away but it’s just not working for you.
Make sure he understands that you still love him and that it’s the job you resent, not him. It will then be a question of what’s more important to him, you or the job.
CAN’T TELL FAMILY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND
I’M 14 and have a boyfriend at school that my parents don’t know about. He is 15 and I want to be with him all the time. Most days after school, I spend time with him and then let my parents think that I have just been with friends. I feel bad about lying to them, but they are strict, and I just know that they won’t approve of him.
I’ve met his family and they were really welcoming. He hasn’t yet mentioned seeing my family but, if he does, I don’t know how I will get around that. I’d hate him to think I am ashamed of him. I am so confused.
FV
FIONA SAYS: Your parents must know that you will eventually explore relationships, and it’s perfectly normal for 14-year-olds to start doing this. No matter how strict they are, lying to them could be dangerous and damaging.
What if you had an accident or they did, or you were ill and they had no idea where you were? Can you see how your parents, not knowing where you are, would have a problem? Also, continued lying might damage the trust between you. Sooner or later the truth will come out, and it would be better coming from you than through someone else.
You don’t need to make a big drama about it, just start dropping hints that this boy is walking you home regularly and the penny will soon drop. Once things are out in the open, I am sure things will improve.
HOW CAN I LET PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MY ALLERGIES?
I HAVE a few major health problems and a severe allergy to peanuts and penicillin. After a recent bike collision, a race steward said that it’s probably a good idea to wear something or carry something that details my health issues, in case I am ever in a more serious accident.
She showed me a bracelet but didn’t say where she got it from. Is this something that’s only available through medical professionals?
SM
FIONA SAYS: She was probably referring to Medic Alert (medicalert.org.uk). This is a membership-based organisation that provides things like bracelets or necklaces engraved with key medical information and emergency contact details, designed for this very such thing.
In addition, these items can also have a unique reference number that identifies you and enables medical professionals to access your complete medical record.
There is an annual fee for this and, in view of your serious issues, it’s probably a good idea.
Alternatively, some jewellers will sell both necklaces and bracelets that are marked with a serpent and staff – the recognised symbol that doctors know to look at. These should contain a strip of paper on which you can write down your details.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
