WHEN my mother-in-law could no longer cope on her own, I readily agreed last year that she could move in with us.
She’s always been good to me over the years, and it felt like the right way to repay that support.
She’s now very frail indeed and needs someone around all the time to keep an eye on her, especially as she has dementia. A district nurse comes in twice a day to get her up and wash her, then again at night to put her to bed. I do everything else, including helping her use the toilet during the day.
I try to stay upbeat for her, but I am struggling. The constant worry about her and the drawn-out assessment process is taking its toll. I also find myself growing increasingly frustrated about not being able to do the things I enjoy as much as I could before. I don’t mean to be sound selfish, but I also wish my husband and I could have the place to ourselves once in a while.
I made the mistake of mentioning this to my husband last week and he got angry, saying there is no way that he is putting his mother into care. Now I feel really guilty, on top of just tired all the time. What’s more, there doesn’t seem to be any end in sight, as my mother-in-law is only 75 and could live for years yet.
S. Y.
FIONA SAYS: ALL CARERS NEED BREAKS
Please don’t feel guilty. The feelings you describe will be familiar to anybody caring for someone at home. You’ve taken on the difficult, responsible task of looking after a family member and you’ve done a wonderful job so far.
However, nobody can do this continuously without some sort of physical and emotional break. And if you try, no matter how much you admire your mother-in-law, you’ll only grow to resent it, and probably damage your own health in the process too.
You need to re-charge your batteries occasionally, so please don’t feel guilty about wanting some time to yourself or to be with your husband. Talk with him again and explain that you are not looking to put his mother into care, but you do need a break. If necessary, show him my reply to your letter.
Once he acknowledges this, grab every opportunity to simply get out of the house whenever someone trustworthy is available to look after her. It doesn’t matter what you do – a short walk or coffee with a friend or neighbour – just as long as you can set aside the responsibility for a while.
Then I suggest you find out about the possibility of your mother-in-law being admitted to a care home temporarily, so that you can have a holiday with your husband. Alternatively, do you have any other family members who could stay with her while you are away? Finally, please contact Carers UK (carersuk.org). This membership organisation provides support and guidance for carers as well as a directory of local support centres and respite services.
BEING PROMOTED HAS JUST MADE ME STRESSED
I WORK for a big multinational company. I’ve always enjoyed working for them and have been prepared to go the extra mile in doing a good job. Someone must have noticed this, because they promoted me two months ago.
My new job means I now manage over 20 people and must meet demanding performance targets for my department each month.
I always thought I wanted this level of responsibility, but now that I’ve got it, I wonder if I have made a mistake in accepting the job. I have never managed people before and it’s very stressful, and I often feel well out of my depth. Most of the people I work with have known me for some time, but that was always as a colleague. Now that I am their boss, something has changed, and not really for the better.
We don’t have a laugh like we used to, and they look to me for all the answers when things go wrong, and basically, I find it hard to manage them. Some have been with the company much longer than me and I feel awkward asking them to do things. It’s no better after work if a group go out for drinks and people who I might have called almost friends before, now behave differently; they don’t seem as relaxed, so I have stopped going.
I know I probably should have expected something like this to happen, but I wish I knew how to handle it better.
If I ask my boss for help, she might think I can’t cope and give the job to someone else, which would be really embarrassing. But in some ways, I might feel a little happier and a lot less stressed.
PL
FIONA SAYS: As far as I can tell from your email, you’ve never held a managerial role before nor had any managerial training.
Also, you’ve only been in the new job for a couple of months, so it’s not surprising that you feel out of your depth right now.
It’s tempting to think that managing people is easy, all you need to do is listen, communicate, motivate, acknowledge success and lead by example. That’s a lot easier said than done though, as you’ve found. People have different ambitions and attitudes to work, and no single approach will work for everyone.
Clearly, something must change, as simply carrying on as you have been will not work. Eventually the stress will get to you and your health will suffer. It’s sad that colleagues who were friends no longer feel as comfortable with you, but that probably reflects more on them than on you.
Management training could help you to better deal with all this and, in time, give you more confidence in your interactions with your team members. As a large multi-national your company may offer this in-house, if not, a good variety of management courses can be found online.
It would probably be a good idea to tell your boss what you are doing, especially if the training is to be in-house.
Depending on your relationship with her, this might also be an opportunity to confess that you have been struggling a bit. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that, simply state instead that you want to become a better manager and do a good job for the company. Finally, please remember that your employer must have seen something in you that convinced them you could do this job.
WHY CAN’T I STOP SAYING SORRY?
WHY do I keep saying sorry for things when it’s not my fault? I have always done it, even when I was at school.
If someone bumps into me, out pops “sorry”. If a waiter brings me the wrong food or drink, out it pops again, “sorry I didn’t order this”.
Last week I found myself saying sorry to a stranger in a supermarket queue, because the lady in front was taking so long packing her goods. Why do I take the blame all the time? What’s wrong with me and how do I stop it?
AR
FIONA SAYS: Over-apologising is typically the result of either low self-esteem, a need to continually people-please to avoid conflict, or just plain habit. It may seem harmless, but it’s really quite toxic, as constant acceptance of blame tends to undermine confidence and self-worth.
As to how to stop it, you have already started this process by acknowledging that you have an issue. The next time you feel the urge to say sorry, pause a moment and ask yourself do you really need to apologise.
A self-help book on assertiveness might also help – there are many options such as Please Yourself: How To Stop People-Pleasing And Transform The Way You Live, by Emma Reed Turrell. I’m sure you could find plenty of others. There are even courses you could watch, some of which are free on YouTube.
People who have got used to thinking you’ll always agree to their demands may tell you you’re being aggressive if you stand up to them. But being assertive isn’t aggressive, so stick to your guns and I’m sure you’ll feel a whole lot better about yourself before too long.
WHY DOESN’T MY BOYFRIEND WANT TO HOLD HANDS?
MY BOYFRIEND is a deeply committed Christian and finds it hard to talk to me openly about his feelings. I know he feels that intimacy should be saved for marriage, but he seems to find any physical contact difficult. I respect his beliefs although I don’t share them, and he knows this, but do you think this is why he is holding back?
We have been going out for two years now, but even holding his hand in public feels awkward – although he isn’t so bad when we are alone. Sometimes I think I should just call it off, but I do care about him.
FV
FIONA SAYS: At a guess, perhaps your boyfriend feels he will not be able to control himself if he allows himself to become physically close to you. Or perhaps he has no interest in physical intimacy, or feels shy and uncomfortable holding hands in public.
You’ve been together for two years – so whatever his motivation, the important thing is that you are both able to be open with one another. You may be happy with a limited physical relationship, but I suspect not, otherwise this wouldn’t be an issue for you. Overcoming his deep-rooted shyness won’t be easy, but if you want this relationship to go anywhere, the pair of you need to start talking to each other.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
