Life

Ask Fiona: Affair with my friend’s husband was a big mistake

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of reader dilemmas...

You need to accept that this new man might not be who you thought he was
You need to accept that this new man might not be who you thought he was You need to accept that this new man might not be who you thought he was

I HAVE made a complete mess of my life over the past two years. One of my good friends has been married to a man for over 12 years and told me that, for much of that time, he had a string of affairs. She always said she ought to leave him, but didn’t want to for the sake of the children.

I was, and still am, very sorry for her and vowed I would never let a man do this to me. Well, my vow didn’t last. Not only did I start an affair two years ago, but I did with this very same man. As I write this, I can’t believe how unbelievably stupid it must sound. Long story short, he left his wife to be with me, and I left my husband, taking our children with me.

In doing so, I lost a lifelong friend and destroyed my marriage. My husband is still very angry – he hardly looks at me or says a word when he collects the children. For their part, they miss their father, and I can tell they are upset, even though they try to hide it.

I have been living with this new man for almost 18 months now and I wonder what on earth I ever saw in him. He does nothing to help with the family and the house, his argument being they are not his kids, so why should he. And to cap it all, I am convinced he is already having another affair. It now feels like I am stuck in a nightmare of my own making, and I wish I could just turn back time. I left a good, loving and trustworthy man to be with this selfish person and I hate myself for doing so. Do you think it’s possible for me to turn back the clock and go back to the way things used to be?

KE

FIONA SAYS: You’ve hurt so many people over the past two years that it’s hard to see how this particular genie can ever go back in the bottle. I am sure this is a painful lesson, and I am sorry it is making you feel so bad. It’s for this reason that I think you’ll be better off without this other man in your life.

Being a single parent may not sound appealing, but it would remove the stress of coping with his behaviour and his continuing affairs. Let’s face it – he’s not providing much in the way of emotional and practical support anyway.

Steeping away from him might also send a message to your husband that you realise you’ve made a mistake. At an appropriate moment, you could even say to him that you are sorry for what you’ve done and ask if there is any possibility of a second chance. If he’s a forgiving man, he may agree – but do not be surprised if he rebuffs this approach, you have probably hurt him deeply.

If he does agree to try again then I would strongly encourage you to go for counselling – there is a lot that needs to be said and got out of the way. If you stand any chance at all of rebuilding your lives together, there are things that need to be talked about and resolved.

If a reconciliation is not possible, then you will have to learn to cope with the problems of living on your own with children, at least for now. I think, whatever happens and whatever is decided, you might find it helpful to speak to a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk) – whether this is to help with a reconciliation, help you to learn to cope alone, or at the very least help you identify what it was that led you to have the affair in the first place. Whether you end up single or back with you husband, it’s something you want to avoid repeating. Readers in Scotland can contact Relationships Scotland (relationships-scotland.org.uk).

SHOULD I MOVE IN WITH HIM?

FOUR months ago, I met a great man through an online dating site. We hit it off immediately and have spent nearly all our time together since then. Out of the blue the other day, he said he loves me and asked me to marry him. He also asked me to give up my rented flat.

He said he understood if I felt this was rushing things and suggested I might prefer to move in with him instead, until I was certain about him.

I am very tempted by his offer. We have both been alone for some time – his wife died 10 years ago, and I divorced my husband six years ago for cheating on me. Also, as we are both in our 60s, so time is not on our side.

However, I am a bit worried – if it doesn’t work out, I would have nowhere to live. He owns his place so it’s not logical for him to move in with me, and as he says, why pay rent when you don’t need to.

I am sure he is genuine, so why am I having these doubts? My daughter thinks I am being foolish for hesitating, but is she right?

AW

FIONA SAYS: It’s certainly not foolish to be cautious. After all, four months is not a long time to really get to know someone and make life-changing decisions.

While you say time is not on your side, you are only in your 60s – not your 80s – so if you feel you need more time, do say so. If he genuinely loves you, he should be prepared to wait.

Until that time, it makes sense not to make any big decisions about your life or your flat. In this context, please don’t feel that moving in with him right now is necessarily the only option, however.

It may seem an odd suggestion to him, but could you suggest that he move in with you, if you’re prepared to take that step and it’s a realistic possibility – and he could, if he wanted to, arrange a short-term tenant for his place? Yes, you’d still be paying rent on your property, but you wouldn’t have to give up your tenancy before you feel confident to do so.

It would certainly be easier for you, as you won’t then have the problem of trying to find a completely new rental property with a new tenancy, if for some reason circumstances changed.

Another option would be to simply alternate spending time in one another’s homes. It will no doubt be more expensive in the short-term but will enable you to get to know each other more deeply until you’re really ready to commit to the move. Whatever arrangements you put in place, I hope it works out for you.

SHOULD I BUY THIS TREATMENT ONLINE?

I’M 59 and have suffered for years with intermittent bouts of stomach upset and diarrhoea. It’s probably irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). When I visited my son in Canada last month, he told me about a new product that helped his wife get over it.

I mentioned this to a chemist here in the UK who said she’d never heard of it. Do you think it would be safe to buy it on the internet? I really want to try this product, as I have other health issues and IBS just seems to make everything else feel worse.

GC

FIONA SAYS: I can’t refer to the product by name, but I suggest you try your chemist again and explain what it is for. It’s possible it is known by a different name here in the UK. However, before you do this, I think it’s important that you talk with your GP.

You are already taking medications for your other conditions, and your doctor can advise you of any possible dangerous interactions with this product. They may also want to investigate your stomach symptoms again, and perhaps can offer more advice.

Finally, I can’t give you any advice about buying products like this online, other than please be very, very careful. A lot of counterfeit treatments and supplements are sold online, many will be ineffective, and some may even be dangerous. Caution is advised.

HOW DO I DONATE MONEY?

MY grandfather died recently and left me a sizeable amount of money. I feel I should share some of my good fortune by making a charity donation.

My first thought was to give it to a charity that might have been important to my grandfather, but I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t know him that well, so can’t. The truth is, I have no idea who to donate to or how I go about it.

LS

FIONA SAYS: The charity sector is huge and there is probably an organisation to cover every possible health and social issue you can think of. So, what are the things that matter to you? Make a list of these then prioritise them.

Would you prefer to support at a local, national or international level? How much will you give? Generally, fewer larger donations generally have more impact than lots of small ones. Then I suggest you contact the Charities Aid Foundation (cafonline.org) for a free downloadable guide to giving. You could also do some research on smaller local causes.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.