Life

Ask Fiona: My friend’s fiance is making me uncomfortable

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her advice to a young woman who is being made to feel uncomfortable around her friend’s fiancé; and a woman dealing with her husband’s affair

You should not be made to feel uncomfortable by anyone when babysitting for your friend
You should not be made to feel uncomfortable by anyone when babysitting for your friend You should not be made to feel uncomfortable by anyone when babysitting for your friend

WHILE I’m at college, I’ve been doing a bit of part-time childminding for a good friend. She has a local job and when she moved away from her parents, she needed someone to look after her daughter. I help when I can, and at other times she drops her off with her mother.

She is engaged and hopes to get married soon. Her fiancé has a key to her flat and often pops in when I am looking after the little girl. When he first did it, he said he was just collecting something, but he now seems to drop in every other day and it is making me uncomfortable. I mentioned this to my friend, but she feels it’s important he gets to know his future step-daughter and seemed unconcerned.

However, he’s now started making passes at me, and last week deliberately rubbed himself against me as we passed in the hall. I made it clear that I wasn’t happy, but he just made out it was a mistake and laughed it off. I am now afraid that this situation is just going to escalate. I don’t know what to do for the best.

I love looking after my friend’s daughter and get on really well with her. If I quit, I will upset my friend and she will probably have to give up her job, as her mum can’t do all the childminding.

Also, what excuse do I give? Do I say her fiancé has been making moves on me? Whatever I do it seems I am going to hurt my friend, but I really don’t feel safe being around this creep any more.

ST

FIONA SAYS: If you feel unsafe then this situation must change. Either you leave, or your friend asks her fiancé not to visit while you are there.

If you feel safe to do so, you could tell him to his face that you are not happy with him visiting while you are there, and that if he continues to do so, you will leave. Make it clear that you are conscious of how difficult that would make life for your friend, but that you feel he is giving you no option. Could somebody else help you with this? If he still persists, then do please speak with your friend again and say that you would prefer that he not pop in while you are looking after her daughter. If she’s asks why, simply repeat what you have already told her; that it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If she again says it’s important that he bonds with her daughter, ask why this needs to be while you are there childminding during the day. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate if he did this while she was there with him? If she feels she can’t do this, then you have no option other than to say you can’t childmind any more. Make it clear that doing this is hard and you hope that it won’t affect your friendship.

However, faced with the reality of losing her childminder, she might begin to suspect that something else is at play here. Whether you tell her about him making passes at you is a trickier problem, and hinges on how honest you want to be with her. If you tell her the unvarnished truth, she might resent what this implies about her fiancé, or even get angry with you. There is a real possibility that this could affect your friendship, as well as scupper her engagement. Given this, a small white lie might spare her feelings. That said, she is clearly a good friend and trusts you enough to look after her child. Would you really be happy letting her marry someone who is clearly taking steps to cheat on her (with her friends) even before they are married?

HOW CAN I TRUST MY HUSBAND AFTER WORK AFFAIR?

MY HUSBAND told me recently that he’d had an affair with a work colleague last year. I was shocked and devastated, and still am. It was particularly hurtful news because I have been really struggling over the past six months to recover from a major operation. I was also probably clinically depressed following the death of my sister, and this has just made it worse.

After I had got over the initial shock, he promised me it would never happen again. Apparently, it happened when they were both away on the same training course. Thinking back on it, he did seem a bit odd when he came home after the course. He’s assured me this person has since left the company and moved overseas. He’s said he wants to make our marriage work again and is prepared to really work at it, though he’s also admitted that his feelings towards me are uncertain.

I would like nothing more than for our marriage to go back to the way it was at the beginning. He has been a good father and provided a good home for us, but it’s hard to just accept that he is being truthful. He’s betrayed his family and me in particular, so how can I trust him again?

I am angry at what he has done but I still love him. I feel confused and hurt, and right now I can’t see a way forward. I wish I could stop crying and that this whole situation would just go away. Can we come back from this?

AJ

FIONA SAYS: Many couples do come back from an affair, but it requires considerable commitment from both parties. Your husband must acknowledge that he has hurt and betrayed you; he must then work doubly hard to restore your trust. He may also have to come to terms with a lot of guilt. For your part, you’ll have to find a way to forgive him, though you are never likely to forget what he has done.

It will also require honesty from you both to identify and talk through what might have gone wrong in the past or acted as a trigger for the affair. What you uncover shouldn’t be used as an excuse for what he did, rather it should act as pointer to help you identify ways to prevent it from happening again. This process won’t be easy, nor will it be quick, especially if you are depressed. If you haven’t already done so, please talk to your GP about possible treatments and support.

Finally, to avoid this becoming a blame game, I suggest you consider some sort of relationship counselling. Emotions can run high in reconciliations like this, and a mediator is a useful pressure release valve. Please consider contacting Relate (relate.org.uk), which has several counselling options available. You’ve got some serious talking ahead of you and you’ll need all the guidance and support you can get.

SO SCARED TO GET MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS

MY doctor messaged me a week ago that she needs me to come back in and see her following some recent blood tests and a stool sample. This has really frightened me because I am sure he is going to say that I have cancer. I have avoided going so far, as I am just so wound up and scared.

But my sister thinks I should just do it, because if something is wrong, it’s better to catch and treat it early. I worry about this constantly and can’t sleep either. What should I do?

PN

FIONA SAYS: Your sister is right – you’ve nothing to gain by not contacting your doctor. Not knowing what the issue is, or may not be, is making you sick with worry and affecting your sleep. And even if something is wrong (and I do mean IF), you are increasing the chances of it turning into something a lot more serious by not getting an early diagnosis and treatment.

I know this must be scary for you, but please speak to or see you doctor. The sooner you know what’s really going on, the sooner you can put it behind you or take steps to deal with it.

AM I TO BLAME FOR BOYFRIEND’S VIOLENCE?

OVER the past year, my partner and I have split up four times after some horrendous rows that ended with him hitting me each time. He says it’s because I make him so angry. I accept that I can be a difficult woman sometimes and we do argue about many things, but does that excuse him hitting me?

I have moved out after each time, even though he has begged me to stay.

However, he has persuaded me to come back after a few days, promising it won’t happen again and asking me to forgive him. The last time he did it was only three days ago, and I am currently staying with a friend. He’s been sending me constant texts saying he’s changed and asking me to come home.

I don’t know what to do for the best. Is it possible that I am causing him to behave like this?

KN

FIONA SAYS: Nothing, absolutely nothing, gives him the right to hit you. That’s assault, pure and simple. So please don’t accept for a moment his assertion that you are to blame somehow. Abusers will often find ways to brainwash their victims into thinking it’s their fault. It is NOT your fault.

The reason he hits you is because he cannot control his own temper, and until he acknowledges this and gets help, I suspect he will not change. If you want to give him another chance, it must be on this basis. If he won’t accept this or hits you again, then you need to think seriously about whether this relationship is right for you.

For support and advice, I suggest you contact Refuge (refuge.org.uk). This organisation offers a freephone helpline, online email and chat support, as well as operating a network of local support groups and refuges for anyone experiencing domestic abuse.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.